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Argus Hamilton

Stories by Argus

Argus Hamilton: Cold front hits Hollywood, movie execs have to keep hands in own pants

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Weather Channel reports a record-breaking cold front swooped into Southern California this week, prompting frost warnings to orange growers.

Argus Hamilton: George Washington, the father of Spring Break

Beverly Hills — God Bless America, and how’s everybody? George Washington’s Mount Vernon plantation will host a ceremony honoring the Founding Father’s life on President’s Day.

Argus Hamilton: Trump looking to be recognized during March Madness

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump proclaimed Black History Month Thursday, recognizing the contributions of African-Americans to our nation.

Argus Hamilton: Minnesotans will pay anything to be in a heated dome

BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The New England Patriots play the Philadelphia Eagles in the Super Bowl in Minnesota’s new state-of-the-art indoor stadium in Minneapolis Sunday.

Argus Hamilton: Museum offers Trump gold toilet

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Guggenheim Museum turned down President Trump’s request to borrow a Van Gogh for the White House but offered Trump their solid gold toilet instead.

Argus Hamilton: Arctic wind makes its way south while statues are still up

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Weather Channel reported that an Arctic cold front sent the nation into a deep freeze this past week, setting record-low temperature readings across America.

Argus Hamilton: Only woman who said ‘yes’ to Weinstein ends up with half

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Hollywood Reporter said Thursday Harvey Weinstein and his wife Georgianna Chapman have reached a final agreement on their divorce settlement.

Argus Hamilton: Looking back with a laugh

Our week of the funniest jokes of 2017 continues, with part two of our annual Year-in-Review.

Argus Hamilton: Predict Trump will win, lose 10 pounds

Happy New Year’s Eve, everybody, and God bless America.

Argus Hamilton: Trump tells Snow White to lose ten pounds

BEVERLY HILLS--Merry Christmas Eve, everybody, and God bless America.

Argus Hamilton: President Trump has Aladdin deported

BEVERLY HILLS—Merry Christmas Eve, everybody, and God bless America. Disney World’s Hall of Presidents reopened exhibit includes a Trump robot.

Argus Hamilton: Roy Moore fails to see ‘Me, Too’ sticker on horse

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Alabama’s Judge Roy Moore claimed voter fraud in his narrow Senate race loss Tuesday and demanded a recount.

Argus Hamilton: Heisman Trophy winner able to keep hands to himself

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Oklahoma quarterback Baker Mayfield won the Heisman Trophy Saturday.

Argus Hamilton: George Stephanopoulos to be replaced with a eunuch

God bless America, and how’s everybody? CBS fired CBS Morning News host Charlie Rose Monday for sexual misconduct with women following lurid accusations against him.

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Argus Hamilton: Kim Jung Un, only politician who can’t be sued for sexual harassment

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Alaskans were told to stock up in case they are attacked by Kim Jung Un’s nukes Friday.

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Argus Hamilton: Inappropriately groped by someone willing to settle

The Hollywood Reporter noted the avalanche of accusers naming their powerful sex harassers on Twitter.

Argus Hamilton: New categories at Oscars to reveal sexual misconduct

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Hollywood tales of sexual misconduct multiplied as more victims came forward Thursday.

Argus Hamilton: Women settle, welcome inappropriate touching

God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Hollywood Reporter listed a growing number of producers, newsmen and even a former president named by actresses as sex harassers.

Argus Hamilton: NFL player seeks professional help

God bless America, and how’s everybody? NFL owners and players met in New York Tuesday and struck a deal on the national anthem protests. T

Argus Hamilton: Most expensive pick-up line

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Ford Motors announced Thursday that the company is entering the luxury truck market.

Argus Hamilton: Blame ISIS for donuts

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Argus Hamilton: O.J. stayed in shape by standing for judge

God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from the Nevada Lovelock Prison Monday morning.

Argus Hamilton: College opposite of kidnapping

God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Princeton Review released its annual Top Party Schools list of American universities and Tulane, West Virginia, Wisconsin and Colorado led the list.

Argus Hamilton: Nature needs to accept Hillary’s loss

BEVERLY HILLS—God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Argus Hamilton: Hurricane Harvey cleans Rebel statues

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Comedy Store in West Hollywood is holding a fundraiser for Houston flood victims which I’ll host tonight in our four-hundred-seat Main Room.

Argus Hamilton: Lotto winnings will turn people into Trump-like jerk

God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Powerball Lottery was won by a woman in Massachusetts on Wednesday.

Argus Hamilton: White suit means free chicken

God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump backed the Confederate statues Tuesday and Democrats claimed he’s lost the public trust for good.

Argus Hamilton: Solar eclipse - The one time we can see missiles coming and going

Astronomy Magazine warns people to wear dark glasses for the solar eclipse next week. Don’t miss it.

Argus Hamilton: Grateful to University of Oklahoma and Betty Ford Center

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Alabama was rated number-one in the pre-season football poll Tuesday with the usual football powers filling out the Top Ten.

Argus Hamilton: Melania could win Nobel by hiding Donald’s phone

Melania Trump was reported Thursday to be going on a visit to Britain in August where she’d meet with Prince Harry at Buckingham Palace.

Argus Hamilton: No vacation for senators. They blame ‘outsider’.

God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump demanded the U.S. Senate postpone their vacation until they are able to fulfill their promise to repeal Obamacare and replace it.

Column: Dems seeing Russia from everywhere

Sarah Palin sued the New York Times for defamation for connecting her to the shooting of Gabby Giffords. She’s finally enjoying the last laugh. Sarah Palin became every Democrat’s punchline after she said she can see Russia from her house, now Democrats are seeing Russia from everywhere.

Argus Hamilton: No bombing of North Korea due to Trump’s investments

God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump had to stay in a house in Hamburg after the State Department forgot to book a hotel.

Column: Zombies in L.A. walk, eat meat

AMC channel announced that its hit zombie drama The Walking Dead will be back for season eight and premiere in the month of October. The terrifying setting takes place in post-Apocalypse Los Angeles.  Zombies do two things which people in Los Angeles would never do, walk and eat meat.

Argus Hamilton: Feminists need to jump into the murder game

God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Economist released a preview of FBI statistics detailing the murder rate in America’s fifty largest cities Monday, yielding one-sided results.

Argus Hamilton: Pelosi demands baseball be banned

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Congress went into bipartisan repair mode following a crazed gunman’s firing at Republican lawmakers at baseball practice Wednesday.

Argus Hamilton: Comey rips Trump, America is great again

Wall Street bars held Happy Hours at nine in the morning Thursday for wealthy Democrats to watch Comey rip Trump.

Argus Hamilton: Hidden talent, better driver than Tiger Woods

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Psychology Today published a study showing that talents you never knew you had can pop up later in life.

Argus Hamilton: Trump bans himself from entering the country

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Harvard released a study Sunday showing eighty percent of President Trump’s press coverage is negative.

Argus Hamilton: Next Bond film to be named Orangefinger

President Trump flies off to the Middle East today like he’s been run out of town by the media, the Democrats, and by a new Special Counsel to look into his ties to Russia.

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Argus Hamilton: Statue removed, Democrats made mistake

Happy Mother’s Day, everybody, and God bless America.

Argus Hamilton: Americans starting what it was like being ruled by a mad English king

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Donald Trump killed Obamacare, signed a religious liberty order and crushed a U.S. Australia dinner speech Thursday.

ARGUS HAMILTON: Diet Coke and Mentos, a better nuclear program than North Korea’s

North Korea’s dictator Kim Jung Un resumed his threats to annihilate America with a nuclear attack if the U.S. Navy shoots down his missiles.

Column: I too, have decided to run for president

Senator Elizabeth Warren was reported Thursday to be soliciting donations for a presidential run in four years. I too have decided to run for president, just to read all the dirt and scandal and debauchery the media would dig up about my past. I think it’d be nice to piece together my Twenties.

Argus Hamilton: Anytime two or more Methodists are gathered a chicken must die

BEVERLY HILLS —Happy Saturday, everybody, and God bless America. Easter Sunday will be celebrated across the nation Sunday morning starting with sunrise Passion Plays followed by packed church services.

Argus Hamilton: Rickles and Trump, equal insult opportunists

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

ARGUS HAMILTON: Canadians always kneel for bottle openers

God bless America, and how’s everybody? NFL free-agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick remained unsigned Friday, sparking stories he’s been blacklisted for kneeling during the National Anthem.

ARGUS HAMILTON: Twitter is next step from town drunk

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Ivanka Trump took a job as White House advisor complete with a West Wing office and a top security clearance.

Americans believe half of Americans have lost thier minds

President Trump pressed his charge that Barack Obama wiretapped him as Democrats looked in vain for evidence of Trump-Russian collusion Wednesday.

Column: Gym goer places water where Pringles should go

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Los Angeles cops shot a belligerent gym member who was waving around electric hair clippers outside a twenty-four hour fitness center after he’d been kicked out.