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Argus Hamilton

Stories by Argus

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The National Parks Service is considering closing the National Mall Wednesday as part of the Joe Biden team’s plan to ward off protest mobs ahead of time. All I can say is, thank God President Trump brought so many U.S. troops home from around the world. We need them for the Inauguration.

By Argus Hamilton January 17, 2021
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God Bless America, and how's everybody?

By Argus Hamilton January 15, 2021
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God Bless America, and how's everybody?

By Argus Hamilton January 10, 2021
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Welcome back to parts five and six of our annual Year in Jokes.

By Argus Hamilton January 1, 2021
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Welcome back to parts three and four of our annual Year in Jokes.

By Argus Hamilton December 31, 2020
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Welcome to the end of the year! It’s time for our annual look at the year in jokes. Here are part's one and two:

By Argus Hamilton December 29, 2020
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President Trump vetoed the Defense Bill and demanded Congress give $2,000 in Covid relief, not $600. Now Democrats side with Trump on relief and Republicans hope they can work with Biden on defense.

By Argus Hamilton December 27, 2020
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The White House reported Moderna obtained FDA approval for its COVID vaccine, along with Pfizer’s, both now in distribution, prompting resistance to inoculation due to conspiracy theories. ...

By Argus Hamilton December 26, 2020
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Congress came under huge pressure Thursday to give more relief for businesses hit hardest by Covid. AMC Movie Theaters said they need seven hundred and fifty million dollars in order to survive 2021.

By Argus Hamilton December 21, 2020
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The Weather Channel tracked the first major winter snowstorm heading across the country all this week. The Eastern Seaboard was forecast to receive 18-24 inches of snow on Friday....

By Argus Hamilton December 18, 2020
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The House of Representatives passed a bill legalizing marijuana that may not pass the Senate but indicated that federal marijuana laws won’t be enforced against states that legalize weed.

By Argus Hamilton December 13, 2020
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God Bless America, and how's everybody?

By Argus Hamilton December 11, 2020
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The Supreme Court last week dealt a blow to New York restrictions on religious services while California churches had a similar win. Religious ritual is a part of my life. Each morning when I wake up, I immediately turn on cable news to see which chapter of Revelation we will be doing today.

By Argus Hamilton December 6, 2020
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Great Britain became the first country to approve Pfizer’s COVID vaccine Monday and quickly distributed 40 million vials of the vaccine to health care workers and to seniors throughout the kingdom. However, there is one urinary side effect ...

By Argus Hamilton December 4, 2020
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The Hollywood Christmas Parade sponsored by Stovetop Stuffing had to be canceled Sunday due to Covid. A movie star always sits in the lead convertible. This year Katherine Heigl had been selected as the Grand Marshal because only Stovetop has been in more turkeys than Katherine Heigl.

By Argus Hamilton November 29, 2020
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Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God Bless America.

By Argus Hamilton November 27, 2020
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Thanksgiving Week is predicted by the Department of Transportation to be the first big travel holiday this year. It’s wiser for some to stay home.

By Argus Hamilton November 23, 2020
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President Trump appeared set in his new policy of ignoring the media as reporters noted the president has not answered a single question since Election Day.

By Argus Hamilton November 20, 2020
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The White House legal team launched a widespread investigation into mail-in voter fraud and miscounting of votes in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Nevada and Arizona.

By Argus Hamilton November 13, 2020
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The Comedy Store is nice enough to throw me a birthday party tonight to mark my sixty-ninth spin around the sun today, always a time to reflect.

By Argus Hamilton November 8, 2020
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Los Angeles talk radio stations were flooded with calls Wednesday from listeners who say they couldn’t bear to watch cable news on Election Night due to all the tension and anger.

By Argus Hamilton November 6, 2020
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The Comedy Store lost appeals for in-club shows so we must perform to a patio crowd through a bullet-proof showroom window. So I rehearse every day to bank tellers.

By Argus Hamilton November 2, 2020
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The Beverly Hills City Council set up flashing No Trick or Treating street signs for Halloween Night, canceling the house-to-house candy grab.

By Argus Hamilton October 30, 2020
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The World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Tampa Bay Rays got underway on Tuesday night at a ballpark in Arlington. Every year, before Game One I always love the patriotic pre-game pageantry. On Tuesday, the CEO of Twitter was on hand to throw out the First Amendment.

By Argus Hamilton October 23, 2020
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The Hollywood Reporter reports film executives were in meetings all week to guess what kind of movies to make when the lockdowns end. People always love a good crime story.

By Argus Hamilton October 18, 2020
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The New York Post published emails from Hunter Biden’s computer showing Joe Biden met with Hunter’s Ukrainian benefactor while Joe was vice president. ...

By Argus Hamilton October 16, 2020
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A Portland professor is under fire for his new book defending British Colonialism and the U.S. conquest of the West. History doesn’t tell you what will happen, it warns you what can happen.

By Argus Hamilton October 11, 2020
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The Hollywood Reporter reported the TV ratings for the presidential debate Tuesday night and Nielsen reports that 73 million viewers tuned in. There is one consensus. ...

By Argus Hamilton October 2, 2020
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Cosmopolitan ran a survey showing Millennial women are increasingly drawn to dating older men.

By Argus Hamilton September 27, 2020
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Psychology Today reported a survey which found that the Corona Virus pandemic in the past six months has resulted in isolation, self-obsession and irritability.

By Argus Hamilton September 25, 2020
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Psychology Today published a nationwide survey which finds that Americans are more cynical about the future than at any time in the past eighty years. Last week a reporter asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize he meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

By Argus Hamilton September 20, 2020
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CDC Director Robert Redfield testified to the Senate Appropriations Committees Wednesday about progress on a COVID vaccine and cure.

By Argus Hamilton September 18, 2020
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Hall of Fame trainer Bob Baffert claimed his record-tying sixth Kentucky Derby win Saturday when Authentic outraced Tiz-the-Law wire-to-wire on NBC. I didn’t see the race, I read about it later. If I wanted to watch a bunch of horses’ asses running around in circles, I’d tune in to C-SPAN.

By Argus Hamilton September 9, 2020
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Labor Day Weekend is here, which every four years marks the official start of the presidential campaign. The holiday itself brings out the Democrat in me. I’m spending all weekend wearing a miniature blue flag pinned to my shirt, which marks me as Safe from being set up by a beauty salon.

By Argus Hamilton September 6, 2020
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The NFL will print End Racism in giant lettering in stadium end zones this fall. Both parties applaud the idea of ending racism

By Argus Hamilton September 4, 2020
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The Wall Street Journal reports polls show a wildly fluctuating race with sixty-five days left to go before the election. Friday, the first presidential preference poll came out after Americans had seen both Joe Biden’s and Donald Trump’s convention speeches. Queen Elizabeth got a huge bounce.

By Argus Hamilton August 30, 2020
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President Trump expressed anger over all the looting and burning and property destruction in Kenosha, Wisconsin, Tuesday and got the governor to call out the Guard.

By Argus Hamilton August 28, 2020
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The Rolling Stones vowed to sue President Trump to force him to stop playing their songs at his campaign events. He gives them a lot of publicity. The Surgeon General’s new tobacco warning reads that for every cigarette you smoke, God takes one hour away from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

By Argus Hamilton August 23, 2020
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The Democratic Convention gaveled to a close Thursday after inspiring many of us. I think I might run for president, if only so I could...

By Argus Hamilton August 21, 2020
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The CDC began classifying Baby Boomers as Covid risks Sunday. People ask me if I’m afraid of the virus. I survived atomic bomb testing, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Beatlemania, six years of college beer, cocaine in the ‘70s, rehabs in the 80s and forty-four years of L.A. women, so no, I’m good.

By Argus Hamilton August 16, 2020
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Facebook was accused of taking down any critical jokes about Kamala Harris as misogynistic and verbally predatory and politically incorrect Wednesday.

By Argus Hamilton August 14, 2020
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The PGA Championship was held over the weekend at Harding Park in San Francisco where the Tour staged its first major championship of the season, with no fans allowed on the course.

By Argus Hamilton August 11, 2020
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L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti threatened Wednesday to shut off water and power to homes that host parties. Not to be outdone, New York Mayor DeBlasio set up checkpoints to enter Manhattan. You know the world sucks when the best news in the last six months is that at least the explosion wasn’t nuclear.

By Argus Hamilton August 9, 2020
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God Bless America, and how's everybody? The Wall Street Journal reported the Gallup poll which says 84% of Americans blame the media for the nation’s bitter divisions. But every year in August there is a proven and happy way to release all the tension. This is National Clown Week, so arm yourselves and shoot to kill.

By Argus Hamilton August 7, 2020
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President Trump ignited establishment alarm Thursday suggesting that Election Day could be delayed. I think the left must be legally blind. Saturday Night Live wasted five years using Alec Baldwin as its Trump impersonator, when Gary Busey was right in front of their eyes the entire time.

By Argus Hamilton August 2, 2020
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Ellen DeGeneres’s talk show career is in jeopardy as Warner Brothers is investigating charges on social media against her production company. Former employees posted she was abusive to her staff in a toxic work environment. If that’s true, her next logical career move would be Congress.

By Argus Hamilton July 31, 2020
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The Major League Baseball season got underway Thursday when the Washington Nationals hosted the New York Yankees in the season opener in Washington. Millions of television viewers tuned in to enjoy the pre-game ceremony. Dr. Fauci was on hand to throw out the First Amendment.

By Argus Hamilton July 26, 2020
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God Bless America, and how's everybody? The White House press conference Wednesday opened with some welcome and long-hoped-for news from the pharmaceutical industry. We knew it had to happen eventually. Baby Boomers at Pfizer Lab finally invented the vaccine for COVID-19, after giving up trying to figure out how to go on Zoom.

By Argus Hamilton July 24, 2020
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Dr. Fauci lashed back at a White House Task Force member Thursday who’d said Fauci was wrong about everything. New debates rage over school openings and sports resumptions amid shutdowns. I just cleaned my TV screen with anti-virus wipes and lost CNN, MSNBC and Fox News.

By Argus Hamilton July 19, 2020
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WalMart announced a new policy effective nationwide Wednesday requiring every customer entering the store to be wearing a face mask. Reaction was swift. A lot of Americans are quite insulted that WalMart, who doesn’t care if your butt is covered, is telling you that your face has to be.

By Argus Hamilton July 17, 2020

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