Cher gave an interview Friday in which she complained about her age and threatened to leave the country if Trump gets elected.

The Today Show reported a problem called Shrink-Flation at grocery stores in which the prices increase and at the same time, food portions are smaller in the packages.

Disney announced Monday it will continue to cut costs as it looks to recover from the billions of dollars it’s losing from its streaming services and box office movie bombs.

Elon Musk announced Saturday he is going to fly to Israel this week and visit imperiled towns located near the Gaza border and meet with Israeli leaders

A Fox News poll showed 61% of American families tried to avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving. The top reasons the poll listed for family fights were changing the TV channel and cheating at board games. For those of you who couldn’t be with family ...

Thanksgiving brought families together in tense times not alleviated by a comedian at the table Thursday. My date told me not to joke about politics at her liberal Democratic family’s dinner and just bring some wine. Imagine ...

Cambridge released a study on generational wealth in the U.S. that found baby boomers possess an inordinate amount of wealth compared to younger generations.

The Fox News poll showed Donald Trump leading Joe Biden by four points if the presidential election were held today. It just never ends. Some of you want a Democrat elected our next president, while some of you want to elect a Republican, I want to ask King Charles to forgive us and take us back.

NBC Dateline with Lester Holt drew an 84% viewer-approval rating for its deep dive into criminal behavior.

NBC News hosted a Republican Party presidential candidates’ debate in Miami on Wednesday night.

The National Retail Federation forecast a record $308 billion in online shopping this holiday season. From my experience, make sure to double-check your order.

The Comedy Store in West Hollywood presented me with a birthday cake onstage Wednesday night during our sold-out show in the Main Room. It’s the only day I reflect on what I’ve learned in my life. I don’t think I’m getting smarter as I get older, I just think I’ve run out of stupid things to do.

Billboard magazine detailed the work by Paul McCartney to get the Beatles last song “Now and Then” produced and orchestrated then finally released Friday.

The Farm Bureau released its annual cost of Thanksgiving Dinner Monday, reporting the feast with all its trimmings will cost 20% more than it did last year. I’ve chosen to rough it. ...

The Betty Ford Center will celebrate its 41st anniversary this weekend in Rancho Mirage at the Omni Hotel with a big reunion. It so happens I got sober there 37 years ago today. ...

Halloween is celebrated tonight in West Hollywood with their annual parade on Santa Monica Boulevard. You would think this year 2023 has been scary enough. Why should people go out to the theater and spend 10 bucks to see a horror movie when they can watch it on the news for free at home?

California Gov. Gavin Newsom made a visit to Beijing Tuesday to meet China’s President Xi and exchange mutual praises.

The Philadelphia Phillies lost Game Seven to Arizona and got eliminated in the playoffs in front of their home fans Tuesday. The city has the surliest fans in sports. When Philadelphia fans have no baseball, basketball or NFL football games to attend, they go to the airport and boo the safe landings.

U.S. Rep Matt Gaetz said he has no regrets about throwing the Speakership into limbo to get rid of Kevin McCarthy. Conservatives say Kevin preaches a hard line then capitulates and approves more spending. If they ever name a building after Kevin McCarthy it’s too bad there’s already a Waffle House.

Justin Timberlake threatened to sue Britney Spears if her forthcoming memoir, The Woman in Me, which comes out Tuesday, claims that Justin got her pregnant back when they were teenagers. Brittney informed her fans Friday she will only read part her of audio book. The rest will be lip-synched.

The Marist Poll shows Trump and Biden are running neck-and-neck for the 2024 presidential race, plus major gains by Bobby Kennedy if he’s included.

Russia threatened a nuclear war with Britain Friday while China made overtures to Iran which is getting weapons from North Korea to funnel to Hamas.

British Prime Minister Rishi Sunak dispatched the Royal Navy to back Israel and he asked Egypt to take in Palestinian refugees.

National Lampoon movie star Chevy Chase was interviewed on Marc Maron’s popular podcast, and Chevy cited the demise of TV comedy since his legendary cast premiered on SNL in 1975.

CBS Sports reporters Jim Nantz was first to report Taylor Swift skipped the Kansas City Chiefs away game against the Minnesota Vikings Sunday. However Taylor Swift said she’s going to bang the drum at the Chiefs stadium before Thursday’s game. It sounds like Travis Kelce has a new nickname.

GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz sent Congress into chaos by effecting the overthrow of Speaker McCarthy with a new rule that allows one member to call for a no-confidence vote. Each Speaker will now last about as long as a Taylor Swift relationship. Congress has a new motto: If it ain’t broke, break it.

The NBC News poll reported that inflation is the No. 1 concern among voters nationwide Monday.

Virginia candidate Susanna Gibson ripped the media for reporting on sex videos she shot with her husband in requested angles for campaign donations. It’s no surprise. ...

The GOP candidates participated in a second-tier debate Thursday at the Reagan Library. They remain miles behind Trump. An average of the national polls shows Ron DeSantis is polling around 12% and tied with Nikki Haley, with Chris Christie polling at 2%, tied with skim milk.

The GOP candidates fought it out in a debate at the Reagan Library Wednesday. The country’s mind is elsewhere. Last Sunday Chris Christie was shown on TV sitting in the owner’s box at the Dallas Cowboys game, and now everyone on social media wants to know which Cowboy Chris is dating.

The Washington Post warned that the U.S. government is headed for a shutdown Oct. 1 due to Republicans forcing a reckoning on spending. The national debt is piling up at a dizzying speed. ...

Russia cut oil production, lifting prices Friday as oil profits poured into Russia banks. Last year the U.S. cut off Russian oil imports as McDonald’s, Pizza Hut, KFC and Coke exited Russia. Thanks to President Biden’s boycott, Russians are healthier and wealthier than they’ve ever been in their history.

Daily Variety reported the strike by the Writers Guild of America against Hollywood producers may be settled Friday. During the strike, I figured out a way to get paid as a writer by making a YouTube video expressing my support for writers making no money for a hundred days. Just hit Subscribe.

The Hollywood Reporter reported that striking members of the Writers Guild met with producers Friday to try to reach a deal. Fortunately for the studios, action movie scripts need no writers, they often write themselves. ...

Mexican UFO expert Jamie Suarran went before Mexico’s Senate along with two glass-encased mummies purportedly space aliens Tuesday.

The White House Counsel’s office sent out a memo to all the major media outlets on Wednesday demanding that they demonize the House GOP efforts to impeach Biden. Democracy is on life support. Democrats believe Republicans are just using the impeachment to get around our rigged election system.

The Texas Longhorns upset Alabama in the first big college game Saturday and the NFL season finally got underway on Sunday. You could feel the entire nation exhaling in relief. At last ...

The Wall Street Journal reports a slowdown in home building due to high commodity prices and shortages of land and skilled labor. Lumber is pushing the cost of home building through the roof. ...

Fox News reports Special Counsel David Weiss will indict Hunter Biden in three weeks for lying about drug use on his gun application. MSNBC later reported his lawyer is proceeding as if his plea deal ...

Donald Trump reported making $10 million in sales on t-shirts and coffee cups bearing his mug shot. In the mug shot, Trump’s face is wearing a furious scowl intent on revenge. It’s the exact same face I make when I go to McDonald’s and they tell me the ice cream machine is broken.

A Pentagon whistleblower testified in Congress this year the U.S. is in secret possession of downed UFO space craft and alien remains. I’d like to state publicly that if a UFO swoops down and takes me away to another galaxy before the 2024 presidential election, it’s not an abduction. It’s a rescue mission.

Donald Trump accused Rupert Murdoch of being a globalist and said Fox News is promoting Ron DeSantis’s candidacy. The Donald’s campaign is capitalizing hugely on his prosecutions. Every evening at all the Trump hotels, the maid turns down your bed and leaves an Indict Mint on your pillow.

Bob Barker died in L.A. Saturday, 20 years after he retired from a 50-year run hosting game shows including The Price is Right. Bob Barker died at the age of 99 and nine months, just three months shy of 100. ...

The House Oversight Committee launched a probe of Atlanta DA Fanny Willis for coordinating political prosecutions with Special Counsel Jack Smith. Indeed the Progressives have a modified view of free speech.

Rich Men North of Richmond, a song by Oliver Anthony, reached number one on the charts. It’s become an anthem of the dispossessed. I think Oliver Anthony could be a modern day Bob Dylan, not for singing songs about the trials of the underclass, ...

California Gov. Gavin Newsom put Southern California under a state of emergency ahead of the flooding and wind damage. On Sunday, Los Angeles residents experienced what I like to call Donald Trump Weather: 77 and Stormy.

I hate it when the cashier feels the need to hold my money up to the light to see if it’s real. It makes me want to inform her that if I could make counterfeit money, I wouldn’t be at the Dollar Tree.

Netflix drew protests for casting Protestant Bradley Cooper to play composer Leonard Bernstein and having him wear a large fake nose, weeks after Netflix cast a black actress to play King George III’s wife Charlotte. It gets worse. Hunter Biden and I are both up for the lead in the Billy Graham Story.

University of Texas epidemiologist Dr. Katelyn Jetelaina urged PBS listeners Thursday to mask up at home, at work and on the road to keep guarding against COVID. If you are STILL wearing a mask while you are driving alone, you do not need that Biden in 2024 sticker ...

The New York Post reported the Mega Millions lottery winning ticket was sold in Florida to one person who is set to collect the jackpot amount of $1.5 billion.

Donald Trump erupted when he was informed the Special Counsel seized Trump’s tweets with a warrant months ago to try to use his free speech against him.

President Biden faced calls on CNN to step aside in 2024 as evidence of his secret business deals mounted while Trump fielded his third indictment. I think both men deserve more sympathy due to the challenges they face. ...

Special Counsel Jack Smith indicted Donald Trump Tuesday in what’s sure to be a free speech landmark case. GOP pundits keep saying it’s unprecedented in American history, but it’s happened before. Donald Trump is the second U.S. president to be impeached and indicted for humiliating Hillary.

The FBI reports a spike in L.A. home burglaries is leaving suburban residents reluctant to leave their homes for fear of being ransacked. One summer in college, I sold home security alarms door-to-door, and I became very good at it. If no one was home, I’d just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

Washington Gov. Jay Inslee declared a planet climate emergency Friday and called Donald Trump a knucklehead for doubting this religion. These people are hilarious. At every Thanksgiving dinner in Seattle, nobody gets pie until you go around the table ...

President Biden hosted a civil rights commemoration at the White House Tuesday and gave a talk on climate change. Joe’s such a joy to watch. The same day President Biden sent his condolences on the death of Sinead O’Connor and thanked her for her 35 years of service on the Supreme Court.

Hunter Biden looked concerned as he left the Delaware federal courthouse Wednesday after his judge refused to accept the plea deal for income tax evasion and a gun felony charge.

Variety reported the Barbie movie and the Oppenheimer movie about the inventor of the atomic bomb opened Friday. The Barbie Doll was first introduced in Japan and by coincidence, so was the atomic bomb. In Japan’s version ...

The White House reported Thursday President Biden will begin wearing sneakers and boarding Air Force One on lower-level stairs to avoid more nasty, embarrassing spills.

The Huffington Post published an article about the decline in dinner table etiquette and manners in everyday American life and especially at restaurants. We can all do a little better. Right now I’m trying to perfect the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just took the White House tour.

The Weather Channel reported record high temperatures from Southern California to the Deep South last weekend as millions of Americans endured triple-digit heat. On Sunday, every good preacher opened his sermon ...

The Secret Service announced Thursday that the FBI’s investigation into the cocaine left in the White House was unable to pinpoint one suspect. At least they removed the bag of coke from the West Wing door before Biden trips over it. Disney on Ice just added a new act billed as Hunter Skates Again!

Yesterday I got a warning on my FB page not to accept any friend requests from Hormel Foods, it might be Spam.

A United Nations global conference on technology meeting in Geneva last week was addressed by Artificial Intelligence humanoid robots. The robots said they know a way to run the world better than humans can. ...

The New York Post reports that the U.S. government is gearing up to share information about the purported reality of UFOs, which a Pentagon whistleblower recently confirmed. It could end 75 years of speculation. So I guess the only mystery left in aviation is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Paris was rocked by riots Saturday in which 3,000 people were arrested, 1,000 buildings damaged and 700 police officers injured. Five hundred refugees just arrived by luxury yachts on the shores of Dover, England. They were Frenchmen seeking asylum from the migrants.

The Women of the View ripped the GOP presidential field Friday. They accuse Indo Americans Nikki Haley and Vivek Ramaswamy, African American Tim Scott, and Cuban American Frances Suarez of being white supremacists....

The National Retail Federation says 86% of Americans will celebrate July Fourth and spend $100 each on food, drinks and fireworks. Be careful, they make those fireworks in China. The good thing about making defective fireworks is, nobody points the finger at you.

President Biden launched his Bidenomics economic program in a Chicago speech Wednesday then couldn’t remember onstage what Bidenomics is.

The White House got clobbered by two bad polls last week saying 70% of the country thinks Joe Biden is too old to be president and the same number thinks the country is headed in the wrong direction. Stop complaining ...

The New York Post reported online dating sites are booming now that single people are willing to go out again with the pandemic in the distant rear view mirror.

A Queens College in Belfast study about narcissism found that narcissists might infuriate other people with their self-centeredness and absence of shame but they’re happier and far less depressed.

President Biden was in California Monday to enjoy presidential campaign fundraisers hosted by Microsoft and Linked-In executives. Right now the Golden State is in a surly mood. ...

New Yorkers watched transfixed as local news showed video of a knife fight to the death in the middle of a street in Manhattan.

The Wall Street Journal reported that U.S. officials finally admitted that COVID was caused by an accident in China’s Wuhan Lab and spread from there. It’s a great relief to me. For three years, I’ve wondered if the pandemic was all my fault because I didn’t forward that e-mail to 10 other people.

Forbes reports Las Vegas is having a record year in gambling revenue from the slots, tables and sports books.

The Justice Department indicted Donald Trump Thursday over classified documents which were scooped up in the FBI’s raid on Mar-a-Lago last August.

Consumer Goods reported Tuesday that fortified health food sales reached $40 billion last year while natural health food sales reached $63 billion.

President Joe Biden’s sexual assault accuser, Tara Reade, moved to Moscow on Friday for what she claims is her personal safety. It appears now that to become president of the United States, you must be 35 years old, a U.S. citizen and previously accused of sexual assault. ...

Donald Trump went storming through Iowa Thursday shaking hands and thoroughly enjoying himself with the locals as he campaigned for president. The studio audience went wild at his televised Iowa town hall. At one point, Trump was winning new voters faster than the FBI could get their names.

The Hollywood Reporter announced Tuesday that Al Pacino will become a father at age 82 one month after Robert DeNiro became a father at 79. The public’s reaction has been unanimously congratulatory and supportive. Expect Biden and Trump any day now to announce they are dads again.

The Weather Channel warned people on the Eastern Seaboard who were heading to the beach on Memorial Day about the numerous recent shark sightings.

The White House negotiators and House Speaker McCarthy fought the clock Thursday to try to keep the country from running out of money. I’d feel a lot more secure if my bank did a better job of keeping its ATMs filled with cash. I tried four of them today and they all read Insufficient Funds.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis posted a video declaring his candidacy for the GOP nomination for president of the United States on Wednesday and declared war on the woke cancel culture. The country may be turning his way. I just saw where Camp LeJeune public water sales surpassed Bud Light.

The Durham Report was released prompting Congress to probe the FBI.

The BBC posted stunning bright and detailed new digital photos of the Titanic on the ocean floor on Tuesday. It reminds me that life is all about perspective.

UCLA tech engineers introduced AI soccer-playing robots they created that can pursue the ball, kick the ball toward the goal and defend the goal.

University of Toronto Professor Jordan Peterson ignited a big uproar by refusing to use gender neutral pronouns on campus. The Left wants to eliminate any term that denotes gender. From now on the terms Mr. President and First Lady will be replaced ...

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas spoke to reporters Wednesday with Title 42 running out and blamed the border crisis on Congress. Reality is irrelevant here. You can’t accuse the Biden Administration of gaslighting since they’re the ones trying to convert everything to electricity.

Glamour magazine ran an article advising single women on how to tell if your prospective mate is a workaholic, and gave tips on how to be in a relationship with a workaholic.

Johnny Cash was saluted in the Progressive Friday citing his radical care for society’s underdogs in the 1969 live recording of his best-selling album “Live from Folsom Prison.” This nation has come a long way since that landmark event. ...

Tucker Carlson’s e-mails during the U.S. Capitol riot were leaked on Tuesday, likely by Deep State monitors to discredit him. Tucker was turning the country against the Ukraine war and Big Pharma’s COVID vaccine con, so he had to go.

Steven Spielberg stood up for Hollywood’s heritage last week by insisting that old movies should not be edited for TV to satisfy the Cancel Culture warriors.

The Hollywood Bowl was jam-packed Saturday night with movie stars, and longtime friends and music fans to pay tribute to the great Willie Nelson on his 90th birthday. It’s nearly impossible for his friends to get him the right birthday gift. ...

The St. Louis Post Dispatch said Anheuser-Busch executives met with beer distributors to assure them all marketing from now on will be vetted from the top.

Fox News’ 92-year-old CEO Rupert Murdoch ordered Tucker Carlson fired, causing Fox stock to crash $980 million in value Monday, three days after he paid Dominion $787 million to settle a libel lawsuit. And to cap it off, Rupert’s much-younger fiancée just called off the marriage. He must have passed the physical.

Democratic Congresswoman Rosa DeLauro called for gender equity in car safety testing Friday in House hearings. She actually demanded that half of the crash dummies used be female crash dummies. The difference is...

The L.A. Museum is displaying patent medicine ads in the 1890s including ads for Cocaine Cough Drops, Coca Wine, Opium Cough Syrup, and for Bayer’s Heroin. We were so high the 1890s we conquered Cuba, Puerto Rico and the Philippines in one month. Never say we can’t win a war on drugs.

Canadian archaeologists in Egypt uncovered ancient graffiti on the walls of the Temple of Isis. It proves today’s culture isn’t that different from the pharaoh’s culture. Babies in ancient Egypt didn’t know that one day their daddy would become a mummy, and neither did the Kardashians.

President Biden twice last week indicated that he is planning to announce that he’s running for re-election for president soon. Polls say it would end up being Biden then age 82 vs. Donald Trump then age 78. Any debate between Trump and Biden should be held in the balcony of the Muppet Theater.

The Sons of Confederate Veterans took possession of Fort Sumter in Charleston Harbor to mark the start of the Civil War Thursday. Its legacy comes to mind every time I’m introduced onstage at the Comedy Store. I take great pride in being the only Confederate statue today that’s being brought UP.

President Biden was a big hit in Ireland Wednesday. The Irish Catholic president saw Protestant Belfast, toured castles in Ireland that were owned by English lords and he met with England’s prime minister who is Pakistani.

Anheuser-Busch courted customer outrage and boycott by celebrating Transgender Rights Day by placing transgender woman activist Dylan Mulvaney’s image on Bud Light beer cans ...

Augusta National is center of the sporting world today for final round of the Masters and it’s the classiest event in the world of sports. The TV announcers are given strict rules. You call the gallery the patrons, you call the rough the second cut, and you don’t say it’s stormy, her name is Stephanie Clifford.

Pope Francis hosts Good Friday services in Rome today for Roman Catholics worldwide. We are also in the Muslim holiday of Ramadan while Wednesday was the first night of Passover for Jews. And Sunday marks the Protestant Holiest of Holies, the final round of the Masters at Augusta National.

Donald Trump’s indictment was ripped by conservative legal experts Friday and glorified by pundits on the Left. In a nod to Holy Week, MSNBC crucifies Trump every morning and every afternoon Fox News raises him from the dead. ...

Donald Trump was indicted by the New York grand jury Thursday over the hush money payment to a porn star. The fact that his supporters are raising money for Trump’s legal defense hints that the former president is falling on hard times. Last month I stayed at a Trump hotel and they stole MY towels.

Modern Health advised Baby Boomers to take up vigorous exercise to maintain health and extend our lives. However consider the argument for sloth. The inventor of the Stairmaster died at 54, the inventor of gymnastics died at 57 and the inventor of opium died at the age of 116, during an earthquake.

Donald Trump faces possible indictment in New York today for a hush money payment to the porn star. Back in 1999 Bill Clinton paid Paula Jones $850,000 to shut up and go away and in 2016 Donald Trump paid Stormy Daniels $130,000 ...

Donald Trump’s grand jury recessed a second straight day Thursday as the case against him for his hush money payment to a porn star seemed to falter. This does show that billionaire womanizers always get the first draft pick.

Las Vegas hotels were reported Tuesday setting up legal consumption lounges for pot smokers to keep them out of the casinos and off the streets. It was reported Tuesday that Las Vegas hotels on the Strip were having a real cannabis problem. They’re getting clobbered at the All You Can Eat Buffets.

St. Patrick’s Day celebrations were held nationwide Friday honoring the accomplishments of the Irish people, their culture, their contributions to literature, and their passion for self-determination in Ireland. Nevertheless, I feel compelled to point out ...

The Silicon Valley Bank’s failure was blamed on the combination of higher interest rates and the bank’s woke business practices. Yesterday in Beverly Hills I got out of a traffic ticket by pretending that I’m woke. The cop asked me why I ran through a red light and I told him it’s 2023, I don’t see color.

St. Patrick’s Day Parades are held today, a precious day for Irish Catholic Americans. My direct ancestor Lord James Hamilton founded Northern Ireland for King James I in 1606 and flooded County Ulster with British Protestants. In college I dedicated my life to causing as much trouble as he did.

Silicon Valley Bank was shut down by federal regulators Fridays after depositors pulled $42 billion dollars out of the bank in one day. It spooked even Big Bank customers like me.

Academy Awards producers are reported worried the ceremony will draw low ratings due to stars using the stage as a political platform in the past. I hope Oscar night spotlights glamour and movie magic and not political issues. Hollywood should stick to doing what it does best, cocaine and each other.

The Walt Disney Company released the trailer for the upcoming action adventure Peter Pan and Wendy based on J.M. Barrie’s classic 1904 English stage hit. Naturally Disney changed everything to make it acceptable to today’s woke culture. They gave Tinker Bell a plus-sized sister named Taco Bell.

Senior Living reports retirement communities in Palm Springs now offer Baby Boomers enclosed gated neighborhoods with golf courses, pools, tennis courts, clubhouses with billiard rooms, gyms and card rooms. They’d better give it to us. ...

The U.S. government on Thursday allowed Taiwan to purchase F-16’s from Lockheed Martin and missiles from Raytheon, in a grand day for the defense industry. The same day, China’s navy sent three warships into Taiwanese territorial waters. China assured Taiwan they were just weather warships.

Tom Brady was reported by Radar Online Tuesday to have decided to spend the next year before he becomes an NFL sportscaster performing stand-up comedy. However the bar is set pretty high for Brady. Everyone agrees he needs at least three more concussions to be as funny as Terry Bradshaw.

Prescott Interior Designs of Atlanta told Yahoo News people should change their toilet seats every five years.

Cocaine Bear opened Friday in the true 1985 story of a bear that ate 70 pounds of cocaine from a bag in the woods.

The Treasury Department released Congressional Budget Office statistics revealing that federal revenue this year will top $4 trillion dollars, mostly from income taxes and payroll taxes.

Tiger Woods played well over the weekend in the Los Angeles Open sponsored by Genesis, the parent company of Hyundai. It was a challenge for the legendary golfer.

President’s Day celebrates George Washington and Abraham Lincoln while Americans prepare to choose again between Donald Trump and Joe Biden.

Hollywood legendary movie star Raquel Welch died after a short illness in L.A. Wednesday at age eighty-two. When all the guys my age were back in high school, we fantasized about having sex with Raquel Welch.

White House spokesman John Kirby offhandedly revealed that a second approaching object was quickly shot down out of the sky over Alaska Friday. And it was shot down for good reason. ...

The Super Bowl is played today between the Philadelphia Eagles and Kansas City Chiefs at State Farm Stadium in Phoenix. It costs $6 million for a 30-second commercial. ...

The Hollywood Reporter said Sunday’s Grammy Awards on CBS drew very low ratings, with the post-show buzz centered on revulsion over a devil-worship number and Madonna’s plastic surgery. Madonna blamed ageism and sexism ...

President Biden will deliver his State of the Union tonight before a joint session of the House and Senate gathered in the House Chamber in the U.S. Capitol. Biden will open by declaring the State of the Union is strong, and there’s evidence Joe is right. ...

Jay Leno got a standing ovation Sunday after he crashed and fell off his motorcycle a month after he caught fire while working under his car. Jay is now watched more closely than a Pennsylvania groundhog when walks onstage. If he falls down the steps everyone will know he’s running for president.

This year Bill Murray was in Florida telling cameras here we are at Tom Brady’s retirement again.

Supermarket News reports shortages of tinned fish, and lettuce, dwindling beef supplies, and even a champagne shortage, along with the egg shortage causing poultry products to skyrocket. I finally heard on the news why we’re having an egg shortage. ...

The very possibility of a shutdown raised alarms in Washington. Government workers will have to stop not working.

It’s noteworthy that Colonel Sanders never stored his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices in a garage. That’s why it’s still a secret.

The Los Angeles Times reports the second man to step foot on the moon, NASA’s legendary Buzz Aldrin married a much younger woman on his 93rd birthday Saturday in a ceremony in Beverly Hills. ...

So far, I’m blessed to be having a good year financially. Just two more payments and those dozen eggs are mine.

Billboard quoted Cardi B denouncing the soaring price of groceries in Los Angeles supermarkets Tuesday, prompting economists to say her quote shows inflation is beginning to hit the rich.

Fox News cited an intelligence report Thursday saying UFO sightings have surged in the past two years in the U.S. CNN, NBC and ABC reported there were 400 sightings of UFOs in the U.S. last week. ...

The Centers for Disease Control reported a massive outbreak of bird flu in the United States has left 47 million chickens dead or dying, resulting in shortages.

President Biden this week promised to work with both the GOP House and the Democratic Senate in order to achieve common-sense solutions to the problems facing Americans today. For instance, it’s been five minutes now and they’ve plugged it back in. That should clear up all the problems at the FAA.

Barney’s Beanery owner Lauren Taines offered me a dinner for being the last bar I drank at before getting sober Nov. 3, 1986. I remember a bartender shouted out, asking does anyone knows CPR so I yelled, I know ALL the letters of the alphabet! ...

Welcome to part five of our annual look at the Year in Jokes.

Here's part four of our annual look at the Year in Jokes.

The World Health Organization reported 15 million new cases of COVID in the first week of the year when Omicron infections peaked. Scientists say it’s far from over and prepare for new variants. I’m starting to think I’m responsible for this pandemic ...

Buffalo warmed up Thursday ending the city’s weeklong record blizzard home shutdown. During the shutdown, the cable news showed a Buffalo man trudging his way through six feet of snow and clearing a path barehanded. His wife had just told him we’re out of bacon and there’s only one beer left.

The Comedy Store is sending me down to San Diego on New Year’s Eve to perform at the Comedy Store La Jolla on its 45th anniversary. It’s always my richest crowd of the year.

Travel and Leisure forecast that 47% of Americans will travel this month for winter vacations and for Christmas and holiday celebrations with family. Santa Claus has a new helper this year. This Christmas, Kanye West will be going from house to house to make your drunk uncle seem OK.

As we share our homes with relatives and loved ones, we are reminded of that first Christmas scene. After a couple of days the place starts to smell like a stable.

The Weather Channel reported a winter storm crossed the nation Wednesday as blizzards buried the Midwest and hailstorms pounded the South.

The FBI scrambled to explain Friday why 80 agents monitor and advise Twitter on what posts to censor. I just canceled my home alarm system and I put up a Trump 2024 sign on my front lawn ...

The Hallmark Channel began releasing Christmas movies last week starting with Christmas Class Reunion followed by The Most Colorful Time of the Year. But you can’t set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow isn’t magical in the South and it always leads to a fight at the Piggly Wiggly.

The Saudi-sponsored LIV Tour will hold a tournament next year at Cedar Crest Country Club in Broken Arrow, outside Tulsa. There are doubts about the oil-rich kingdom that is rigidly conservative and religiously fundamental getting involved in golf, but the Saudis said they refuse to judge Oklahoma.

The White House took heat Friday for trading a Russian arms dealer for a WNBA star and BLM activist.

I think it’s time we replace the Border Patrol with doctors’ receptionists. Let’s see how many illegals get past them!

Fox Business Channel interviewed economists this week who warn that falling real estate prices ensure that a recession next year is all but certain. I’d say the recession is definitely here already and there’s proof. Last night in Arkansas, the guy who owns WalMart was seen shopping at WalMart.

Business Week published a survey on texting which revealed 81% of Americans text regularly, with over six billion texts sent daily.

Travel and Leisure forecast that 47% of Americans will travel this month for winter vacations and for Christmas and holiday celebrations with family.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West agreed on his child support payments Wednesday and finalized their divorce settlement.

The White House faces a split Congress this year with a possible tie in the Senate and a thin GOP margin in the House. It’s like that everywhere. In the World Cup Friday, the U.S. and England played to a 0-0 tie, but we won’t know the final score till Arizona finishes counting the goals in early December.

I may have put up a few too many Christmas lights. An airplane just tried to land in my back yard.

Beverly Hills will turn on its downtown Christmas lights tonight, drawing shoppers from all over the world to the retail stores on Rodeo Drive. You never know which celebrities you might spot while you’re shopping.

The Transportation Department forecast huge Thanksgiving Week travel with the heaviest traffic in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles. It’s a wonderful life. Also in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles, ...

Donald Trump announced for president in 2024 at a rally at Mar-a-Lago Tuesday. It didn’t whip up the excitement he wanted. So to re-capture frenzied voter enthusiasm, Trump is thinking about taking his campaign slogan Make America Great Again and changing it to I Have Taylor Swift Tickets.

Tom Brady was sued by Crypto investors Thursday for a TV commercial he shot on a golf course in which he vouched that Crypto is a safe investment.

Peyton Manning emceed the fifty-sixth Country Music Association Awards ceremony Wednesday which aired live on ABC-TV from the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. A great country music lyric stays with you forever. My new favorite ballad is By the Time I Get to Phoenix, They’ll Still Be Counting.

The National Retail Federation predicted $960 billion dollars in Christmas season retail sales this year, which is a 6% rise over last year’s total retail sales.

The Wall Street Journal cited mid-term election exit polls showing how the candidates used issues like abortion and crime to divide the country and get elected. ...

Elon Musk took over Twitter last week sparking hopes that he will install new policies to end the Cancel Culture’s control over free speech on the social media platform. As expected...

The World Series continuing this weekend between the Houston Astros and Philadelphia Phillies was highlighted on Tuesday by a combined no-hitter by five Astros pitchers.

President Biden addressed the nation on political violence Wednesday and tried to link the U.S. Capitol riot to that attack on Paul Pelosi.

Progressive Grocer magazine states Thanksgiving turkeys will cost 50% more this year at grocery stores. It boggles my mind how the American Colonists had to hunt for their food every day when they arrived here. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.

West Hollywood hosts the annual Halloween parade in which people dressed in a million ghoulish costumes will walk Santa Monica Boulevard. It’s a fun night for all.

Politico reported a Democrat is leading in the Georgia Senate race along with the surprise news that a Democrat is leading for Oklahoma governor.

The Wall Street Journal quoted a survey on social media usage in the U.S. which found that 302 million Americans are on social media now. That’s 90%. The most used is Facebook. When I die I want my tombstone to have free Wi-Fi, that way people will visit me more often.

The Tropicana Hotel was nice enough to give me chips to play in the casino between shows last week.

Daily Variety says movie studios are counting on Halloween movies to rescue the studios from this year’s box office slump. The scariest movie of all is the nightly news.

An SMS survey found that Americans now text more than they make phone calls, email or video chat. Group texts can take you hostage. The best thing to do when you get stuck in a group text is ...

The National Parks Service is considering closing the National Mall Wednesday as part of the Joe Biden team’s plan to ward off protest mobs ahead of time. All I can say is, thank God President Trump brought so many U.S. troops home from around the world. We need them for the Inauguration.

God Bless America, and how's everybody?

God Bless America, and how's everybody?

HOLLYWOOD – God Bless America, and how's everybody?

Welcome back to parts five and six of our annual Year in Jokes.

Welcome back to parts three and four of our annual Year in Jokes.

Welcome to the end of the year! It’s time for our annual look at the year in jokes. Here are part's one and two:

President Trump vetoed the Defense Bill and demanded Congress give $2,000 in Covid relief, not $600. Now Democrats side with Trump on relief and Republicans hope they can work with Biden on defense.

The White House reported Moderna obtained FDA approval for its COVID vaccine, along with Pfizer’s, both now in distribution, prompting resistance to inoculation due to conspiracy theories. ...

Congress came under huge pressure Thursday to give more relief for businesses hit hardest by Covid. AMC Movie Theaters said they need seven hundred and fifty million dollars in order to survive 2021.

The Weather Channel tracked the first major winter snowstorm heading across the country all this week. The Eastern Seaboard was forecast to receive 18-24 inches of snow on Friday....

The House of Representatives passed a bill legalizing marijuana that may not pass the Senate but indicated that federal marijuana laws won’t be enforced against states that legalize weed.

God Bless America, and how's everybody?

The Supreme Court last week dealt a blow to New York restrictions on religious services while California churches had a similar win. Religious ritual is a part of my life. Each morning when I wake up, I immediately turn on cable news to see which chapter of Revelation we will be doing today.

Great Britain became the first country to approve Pfizer’s COVID vaccine Monday and quickly distributed 40 million vials of the vaccine to health care workers and to seniors throughout the kingdom. However, there is one urinary side effect ...

The Hollywood Christmas Parade sponsored by Stovetop Stuffing had to be canceled Sunday due to Covid. A movie star always sits in the lead convertible. This year Katherine Heigl had been selected as the Grand Marshal because only Stovetop has been in more turkeys than Katherine Heigl.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God Bless America.

Thanksgiving Week is predicted by the Department of Transportation to be the first big travel holiday this year. It’s wiser for some to stay home.

President Trump appeared set in his new policy of ignoring the media as reporters noted the president has not answered a single question since Election Day.

The Masters Invitational stages its final round Sunday at the famed Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia.

The White House legal team launched a widespread investigation into mail-in voter fraud and miscounting of votes in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Nevada and Arizona.

The Comedy Store is nice enough to throw me a birthday party tonight to mark my sixty-ninth spin around the sun today, always a time to reflect.

Los Angeles talk radio stations were flooded with calls Wednesday from listeners who say they couldn’t bear to watch cable news on Election Night due to all the tension and anger.

The Comedy Store lost appeals for in-club shows so we must perform to a patio crowd through a bullet-proof showroom window. So I rehearse every day to bank tellers.

The Beverly Hills City Council set up flashing No Trick or Treating street signs for Halloween Night, canceling the house-to-house candy grab.

The World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Tampa Bay Rays got underway on Tuesday night at a ballpark in Arlington. Every year, before Game One I always love the patriotic pre-game pageantry. On Tuesday, the CEO of Twitter was on hand to throw out the First Amendment.

The Hollywood Reporter reports film executives were in meetings all week to guess what kind of movies to make when the lockdowns end. People always love a good crime story.

The New York Post published emails from Hunter Biden’s computer showing Joe Biden met with Hunter’s Ukrainian benefactor while Joe was vice president. ...

A Portland professor is under fire for his new book defending British Colonialism and the U.S. conquest of the West. History doesn’t tell you what will happen, it warns you what can happen.

The New York Post reported a vigil marked John Lennon’s eightieth birthday Friday night at the New York City doorway where he was slain.

The Hollywood Reporter reported the TV ratings for the presidential debate Tuesday night and Nielsen reports that 73 million viewers tuned in. There is one consensus. ...

Cosmopolitan ran a survey showing Millennial women are increasingly drawn to dating older men.

Psychology Today reported a survey which found that the Corona Virus pandemic in the past six months has resulted in isolation, self-obsession and irritability.

Psychology Today published a nationwide survey which finds that Americans are more cynical about the future than at any time in the past eighty years. Last week a reporter asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize he meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.

CDC Director Robert Redfield testified to the Senate Appropriations Committees Wednesday about progress on a COVID vaccine and cure.

Hall of Fame trainer Bob Baffert claimed his record-tying sixth Kentucky Derby win Saturday when Authentic outraced Tiz-the-Law wire-to-wire on NBC. I didn’t see the race, I read about it later. If I wanted to watch a bunch of horses’ asses running around in circles, I’d tune in to C-SPAN.

Labor Day Weekend is here, which every four years marks the official start of the presidential campaign. The holiday itself brings out the Democrat in me. I’m spending all weekend wearing a miniature blue flag pinned to my shirt, which marks me as Safe from being set up by a beauty salon.

The NFL will print End Racism in giant lettering in stadium end zones this fall. Both parties applaud the idea of ending racism

The Wall Street Journal reports polls show a wildly fluctuating race with sixty-five days left to go before the election. Friday, the first presidential preference poll came out after Americans had seen both Joe Biden’s and Donald Trump’s convention speeches. Queen Elizabeth got a huge bounce.

President Trump expressed anger over all the looting and burning and property destruction in Kenosha, Wisconsin, Tuesday and got the governor to call out the Guard.

The Rolling Stones vowed to sue President Trump to force him to stop playing their songs at his campaign events. He gives them a lot of publicity. The Surgeon General’s new tobacco warning reads that for every cigarette you smoke, God takes one hour away from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

The Democratic Convention gaveled to a close Thursday after inspiring many of us. I think I might run for president, if only so I could...

The CDC began classifying Baby Boomers as Covid risks Sunday. People ask me if I’m afraid of the virus. I survived atomic bomb testing, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Beatlemania, six years of college beer, cocaine in the ‘70s, rehabs in the 80s and forty-four years of L.A. women, so no, I’m good.

Facebook was accused of taking down any critical jokes about Kamala Harris as misogynistic and verbally predatory and politically incorrect Wednesday.

The PGA Championship was held over the weekend at Harding Park in San Francisco where the Tour staged its first major championship of the season, with no fans allowed on the course.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti threatened Wednesday to shut off water and power to homes that host parties. Not to be outdone, New York Mayor DeBlasio set up checkpoints to enter Manhattan. You know the world sucks when the best news in the last six months is that at least the explosion wasn’t nuclear.

God Bless America, and how's everybody? The Wall Street Journal reported the Gallup poll which says 84% of Americans blame the media for the nation’s bitter divisions. But every year in August there is a proven and happy way to release all the tension. This is National Clown Week, so arm yourselves and shoot to kill.

President Trump ignited establishment alarm Thursday suggesting that Election Day could be delayed. I think the left must be legally blind. Saturday Night Live wasted five years using Alec Baldwin as its Trump impersonator, when Gary Busey was right in front of their eyes the entire time.

Ellen DeGeneres’s talk show career is in jeopardy as Warner Brothers is investigating charges on social media against her production company. Former employees posted she was abusive to her staff in a toxic work environment. If that’s true, her next logical career move would be Congress.

The Major League Baseball season got underway Thursday when the Washington Nationals hosted the New York Yankees in the season opener in Washington. Millions of television viewers tuned in to enjoy the pre-game ceremony. Dr. Fauci was on hand to throw out the First Amendment.

God Bless America, and how's everybody? The White House press conference Wednesday opened with some welcome and long-hoped-for news from the pharmaceutical industry. We knew it had to happen eventually. Baby Boomers at Pfizer Lab finally invented the vaccine for COVID-19, after giving up trying to figure out how to go on Zoom.

Dr. Fauci lashed back at a White House Task Force member Thursday who’d said Fauci was wrong about everything. New debates rage over school openings and sports resumptions amid shutdowns. I just cleaned my TV screen with anti-virus wipes and lost CNN, MSNBC and Fox News.

WalMart announced a new policy effective nationwide Wednesday requiring every customer entering the store to be wearing a face mask. Reaction was swift. A lot of Americans are quite insulted that WalMart, who doesn’t care if your butt is covered, is telling you that your face has to be.

The U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision on Thursday ruling that Eastern Oklahoma by signed treaty is still Indian Territory.

Arizona and Texas reported huge spikes in Covid infections Tuesday, setting off a panic south of the border.

John Wayne Airport in Orange County might be re-named due to a remark he made supporting white supremacy in a Playboy interview 50 years ago. It’s been John Wayne Airport for 40 years. ...

Liberty College will celebrate the Fourth of July by posting a detailed explanation and history of the Constitution and the reason behind each Article and each Amendment.

The Dixie Chicks dropped Dixie from their name so as not to offend anyone with the reference to the Confederacy. They’ll just be The Chicks, and only offend feminists. Also, to please the mob, AC/DC will be New Binary, Green Day will be The Green New Deal and The Police will be Defunded.

Warner Brothers in Hollywood announced last week its Looney Tunes Cartoon show on HBO Max will no longer show cartoon characters firing guns. The studio ruled that all guns are out. ...

The Hollywood Reporter warns that cable news hysteria could lead to viewer fatigue and lower ratings. All year long, the news has been nothing but Covid-19, shutdown, police brutality, rioting, and Black Lives Matter. Am I the only one who’s still fighting the scourge of plastic drinking straws?

President Trump holds a rally in Tulsa Saturday where a million people applied to attend but only 20,000 can get in. Expect a volcanic reaction against COVID shutdowns, riots, looting and monument desecration. America hasn’t lost all its marbles, but there’s definitely a hole in the bag.

President Trump took criticism from the media and Democrats Monday for scheduling a huge rally Saturday. The CDC concurred, saying the 20,000 attendees at the Trump rally in Tulsa are in danger from the spread of COVID-19. However, they said the 40,000 protesters will be completely safe.

The American Medical Journal says plastic surgeons are doing big business since re-opening due to pent-up demand.

The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood is planning to re-open next weekend and resume our stand-up comedy shows. I’ve tried to stay cheerful during the shutdown. ...

An L.A. city official who slashed the Los Angeles Police Department budget Monday was found to have a private security force guarding her house. The idea was first tried back in the Sixties. The first person ever to defund the police was Andy Griffith, when he limited Barney Fife to one bullet.

God Bless America, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported Santa Ana breezes blew off the Imperial Desert into Southern California, heralding a new normal in our local weather. I’m so lulled by home confinement it took me by surprise. I can’t believe it’s riot season already and I still have my Covid season decorations up.

Ring magazine reports that Mike Tyson is looking to make a comeback at age fifty and wants a rematch with old foe Evander Holyfield.

The San Diego Union says that drug seizures are way up at the U.S.-Mexican border with help from the Mexican Army.

Los Angeles police began citing joggers and walkers who refused to wear facial covering while jogging or walking in public.

USA Today reports parents are worried about a possible lack of summer activities deemed safe enough for children and teenagers to enjoy. The outbreak has canceled church youth camps back in my home state of Oklahoma.

Los Angeles voters stunned pundits in the special election Tuesday when GOP candidate Mike Garcia upset a Democrat in a U.S. House race. It says a lot. Who knew that all you had to do was close down the beaches for a couple of months and L.A. would start electing Republicans to Congress.

Dr. Fauci went into self-quarantine last week, however he went on Skype from home to threaten to recommend closing down the 2020 sports seasons. He’s now threatening the sacred religion of college football. I say we open the country now before Oklahoma has to play Texas this fall on Zoom.

The National Restaurant Association vowed to help members create promotions to lure people back into eating out again. Hooters announced Friday it would give out free wings to moms on Mother’s Day.

President Trump will be targeted by a new House committee claiming he betrayed America by late actions on Covid-19. No one feels more betrayed lately than Generation X...

President Trump was optimistic Thursday, reporting progress in the war on COVID-19. We’re attacking the virus from three angles. Pfizer is working on a treatment, Oxford is working on a vaccine, and Trump just called Hillary to tell her he’s heard the virus is going to testify against her.

Willie Nelson went on social media last week to thank all his fans for their best wishes when he celebrated his 87th birthday.

NBC News reported the mayor of Las Vegas is getting backing from the Wynn Hotel after she revealed plans to re-open the city in mid- May. The city is confident it can handle any threat from the virus. The difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas is, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

President Trump’s convicted former lawyer Michael Cohen was one of thousands of prisoners freed due to the COVID-19 scare. The virus resulted in a feeling of forgiveness across the land. Any day, I expect to see a public health commercial in which O.J. Simpson assures us that gloves work.

The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood remained closed for the thirtieth day Sunday, however the club has me performing an online topical comedy monologue each night on You Tube.

The White House reported mobile testing is available to determine immunity from the coronavirus with testing facilities now set up in all 50 states. Baby Boomers flocked to the test ...

A Chicago federal judge denied R. Kelly’s request for release from jail over his fear of COVID-19 Tuesday. It’s to protect all the witnesses to his behavior.

The New York Post says a Bengal Tiger in the Bronx Zoo in New York developed a dry cough over the weekend which prompted zoo veterinarians and epidemiologists to give the tiger a medical exam. The big cat tested positive for corona virus. Great, now I have to keep six feet away from tigers.

President Trump spoke solemnly to the American people at a press conference Tuesday and he laid out the sacrifices it will take to defeat the virus

Major League Baseball postponed the season scheduled to start this week due to Corona Virus that crossed the ocean to the U.S. from China this year.

President Trump continued calling the pandemic the virus rather than the Chinese virus this week. Trump said even though it started in Wuhan, he doesn’t want Chinese-Americans to feel stigmatized. Every country in the world has the Corona Virus now, but China got it right off the bat.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin expressed confidence a relief bill for business and workers is doable Tuesday.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters he wishes departing quarterback Tom Brady the best.

Ralph’s supermarket in Santa Monica reportedly made a $1 million in one day Thursday when customers panicked over the COVID-19 scare.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The National Institute of Health Director Dr. Anthony Fauci addressed Congress Thursday and warned that Corona Virus will spread before it begins to wane.

Psychology Today said it takes people about a week to recover from losing an hour of Sunday sleep due to the clock switch for Daylight Saving Time.

The Comedy Store tonight will mark my forty-fourth year of performing at the world capital of comedy.

Wall Street staged a historic rally Monday after China reported Coronavirus is receding after scaring the whole world.

The Rolling Stones website announced that the group’s 2020 North American tour will begin in San Diego’s baseball stadium in May. They should be guarded by the CDC. If the Corona Virus gets into the dressing room and infects Keith Richards, the virus could mutate and live forever.

Harvey Weinstein was convicted on one rape charge in New York Monday and taken off to jail to await sentencing.

Michael Bloomberg dove into a piranha tank in Las Vegas Wednesday when Mike joined the Democratic debate against five battle-hardened candidates.

Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign leaked to Drudge Report Friday he wants Hillary Clinton to be his running mate should he get the Democratic nomination.

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show aired live from Madison Square Garden on Monday and Tuesday in New York.

Chris Matthews and James Carville sounded the alarm to fellow Democrats Monday about big government socialists.

President Trump took a victory lap Wednesday at the National Prayer Breakfast and a White House gathering of Republican lawmakers that stood by him during impeachment.

The Anglican Communion met in England and voted to suspend the U.S. Episcopal Church for sanctioning gay marriage.

The Super Bowl will include an interview with President Trump before the game.

The New York Times weighed in on the Democratic presidential race Thursday by giving out their endorsement just 10 days before the Iowa caucuses.

Fox News switched to regular programming Wednesday with updates on the Senate trial after terrible ratings during the first day of full coverage.

Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers blamed Sunday’s playoff loss to the 49ers on not having home field advantage.

Duchess Meghan began her Canadian publicity barrage Tuesday by sailing across Vancouver Sound to visit a women’s shelter.

Drake University hosted the debate between the dwindling numbers of Democratic candidates Tuesday in Iowa.

Graceland in Memphis had a vigil Wednesday to mark the eighty-fifth anniversary of the birth of Elvis Presley.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Golden Globe Awards were highlighted by Ricky Gervais’ blistering and hilarious anti-PC opening monologue. It didn’t go unnoticed in Washington. Ricky Gervais could be impeached and removed from show business for attacking Hollywood without first obtaining Congressional approval.

Joe Scarborough ripped the Democratic candidates for their debate performances Friday for wandering so far left they are being mocked. There’s a new debates drinking game that’s sweeping the nation.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Here’s a taste of of our annual Year in Jokes. The New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft was charged with hiring prostitutes at an Asian massage parlor in Florida. During his team’s post-Super Bowl scandal two years ago when they were accused of deflating footballs, Kraft stated that nobody played with his balls. Well, now there’s video.

Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Comedy Motion Picture, which was set in the world-changing year of 1969.

The Titanic II is set to sail from England to New York next April.

Southern California mountains were under a frost alert Monday as a cold front from Alaska roared into L.A.

The Bob Hope Foundation and Trust donated sixty years of his stand-up comedy monologues from his radio shows, his TV shows and his USO show performances to the Smithsonian Museum in the nation’s capital.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Politico reported that Harris Polling ran a national poll of Democratic voters asking who they support for president. The list included Hillary and John Kerry. Hillary won with 21%, followed by Biden with 20%, Bernie at 12%, Liz at 10%, and Kerry just lucky the race wasn’t held at Santa Anita.

The New York Times anointed 16-year-old Swedish eco-warrior Greta Thunberg the hero this planet needs as she sailed to a climate change conference in Spain today.

WalMart opened its doors at six o’clock on Thanksgiving Day, kicking off Black Friday retail sales.

The National Retail Federation reported that Americans this year will spend over $1 trillion dollars on Christmas.

The Sporting News released its rankings of the one hundred and fifty greatest college football players of all time Thursday.

San Francisco’s new District Attorney declared he will allow the residents of San Francisco to pee anywhere they like any time they like without any fear of being prosecuted.

Thanksgiving Week is predicted to be the busiest travel week in history both on the road and in the air by the Transportation Department Wednesday.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The National Retail Federation predicted Americans will spend $465 billion dollars on Christmas gifts this year. It starts with the Black Friday melee. WalMart announced it will be closed on Thanksgiving Day until six o’clock, so that both cashiers can be with their families.

The Nutcracker Suite will play in Hollywood at the Dolby Theater starting early in December this year.

God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Beverly Hills Courthouse put up its Nativity Scene on the lawn Monday, which is annually a major tourist attraction despite hostility to the display by locals. The other night a smart aleck asked me what Jesus’ full name was. So I dropped a bowling ball on his foot and he got all three right.

Carrie Fisher: A Life on the Edge is a new biography of the greatly-beloved “Star Wars” legend who died two years ago after a wild Hollywood life.

California firefighters battled wildfires in Wine Country and below the Getty Center museum Sunday as rolling power blackouts were ordered statewide to reduce the fire danger.

The NBC station in Dallas apologized for endangering public safety when they refused to cut into the Dallas Cowboys’ game Sunday to warn of arriving tornadoes.

The Sooner Schooner pioneer wagon crashed after an Oklahoma touchdown Saturday.

New York former mayor and Bloomberg News founder Michael Bloomberg revealed Tuesday he may join the Democratic race for president.

North Carolina police arrested three workers at a senior living home for staging a Fight Club for dementia patients Monday.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones stood by his coach who got the team penalized Sunday for swearing at an NFL referee over a bad call. It’s worse in the NBA.

God bless America, and how’s everybody?  USA Today reports a Georgia high school suspended a teacher Friday for telling her students that boys who display the Confederate flag will someday grow up to marry their sisters. I applaud the suspension. I think it’s about time the US education system took a stand against revealing spoilers.

President Trump went nuts over the Biden family’s Ukraine deal Tuesday while Hunter’s ex-wife said he’s a coke addict.

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Publisher’s Weekly reports Demi Moore’s tell-all autobiography is a huge best-seller in which the star recounts her movie career, her love life, and her married life. It’s sad how Demi Moore’s book revealed that Ashton Kutcher cheated on her. I thought she would’ve raised him better than that.

The Hollywood Reporter reports the studios will roll out lots of Halloween movies next month and Hulu will be steaming horror movies as well.

Rush Limbaugh on the radio Thursday defended smoking e-cigarettes, pointing out it is simply vaporized nicotine.

Kentucky Fried Chicken introduced its new KFC Chicken and Donuts Dinner Wednesday.

Psychology Today published a study which monitored the amount of alcohol that James Bond drinks and how often he drinks during the six decades of Bond movies.

President Trump expressed confidence Thursday in Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s ability to get England out of the European Union and into a free trade deal with the United States.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Hollywood Reporter published an article on Friday on plans by celebrities to influence the 2020 presidential election on TV, in the movies, at awards shows and on social media.

Hurricane Dorian washed ashore 16 bricks of cocaine worth over $400,000 sealed inside delivery packets onto the beach in Florida on Tuesday.

The Weather Channel tracked Hurricane Dorian Thursday as it missed Puerto Rico heading up to the Eastern Seaboard.

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?      President Trump took Air Force One to France on Friday to meet with the Group of Seven industrial leaders in the resort of Biarritz. Trump has three agenda items on his plate. He wants to talk them into fair trade deals, remind them of their NATO dues and make an offer on Normandy.

The Labor Department says U.S. workers did not take hundreds of millions of August vacation days owed to them in order to stay on the job.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New England Patriots open the defense of their Super Bowl title with the season-opening game against the Pittsburgh Steelers September 8th. Under owner Robert Kraft, the Patriots have won six Super Bowl rings. Last week, Joe Biden phoned Kraft and congratulated him on his sex ring.

President Trump campaigned in Pennsylvania on Monday while Bernie, Liz and Biden tore it up in Iowa.

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how›s everybody?  The Wall Street Journal reports that bankruptcies are on the rise across America this summer with many upscale lifestyles in jeopardy. One trait the Americans inherited from the British is the determination to keep up appearances.

Victoria’s Secret hired its first transgender catalogue model Friday, the same day Netflix added a transgender character to Rocko’s Modern Life.

The Baltimore Sun reported Saturday that four Baltimore Orioles fans were kicked out of the team’s Camden Yards stadium on Friday night for unfurling a pro-Trump banner in the bleachers.

Detroit hosted round two of the Democratic presidential candidates’ debates this week with TV pundits split over who won.

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Jerry Seinfeld, now appearing on “Comedians in Cars Having Coffee”, ripped longtime nemesis Bobcat Goldthwait on the air, as neither one thinks the other’s material is even bearable. America has a unique way of letting the world know which jokes we will tolerate and which jokes we won’t. We let the voters decide.

Robert Mueller drew disappointed reviews from Democrats for his testimony before Congress on Wednesday.

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New York Times ignited a controversy Monday by saying the NASA Mercury, Gemini and Apollo missions to put a man on the moon in the late 1960s was a racist endeavor. That’s an easy point for leftists to argue. By the time Michael Jackson performed the Moonwalk, even HE was white.

“Framing John DeLorean” is a film about the creator of the Delorean car made famous in “Back to the Future.”

The Weather Channel reports the return of the Santa Ana breezes to Southern California this week baking Los Angeles in triple-digit temperatures.

The U.S. Women’s soccer team was showered by a confetti parade on the Canyon of Heroes in New York on Wednesday after winning the World Cup.

Los Angeles withstood 2,000 aftershocks over the weekend from the two earthquakes that hit last weekend.

President Trump hosted a spectacular fireworks show at the Lincoln Memorial underlined by an Army tank parade and flyovers.

Politico reports the Democratic presidential candidates are fanning across Iowa to campaign at July Fourth events tomorrow.

The History Channel aired a special about the stories behind all the White House furnishings Friday.

The Weather Channel reports high pressure maintaining its grip on the country today, sending temperature readings into the triple digits from Southern California all the way to the Carolinas. You can tell summer has finally arrived. WalMart and Target just put out their Christmas decorations.

Donald of Orange kicked off his 2020 campaign in Orlando, prompting Creepy Joe, Bolshevik Bernie, Elizabeth Wahoo Warren and Mayor Pete to vow to defeat him.

The National Retail Federation reported Americans spent a record $18 billion on Father’s Day gifts, including clothing, gifts and cards.

The Weather Channel reported the annual Santa Ana Winds arrived in Southern California this week, turning the L.A. Basin and the San Fernando Valley into dry-heat ovens.

The Weather Channel reported the Santa Ana winds arrived in Southern California on Monday, baking Los Angeles in 100-degree heat.

President Trump returned from England to face an overlooked domestic crisis.

God bless America, and how’s everybody? Buckingham Palace was the setting for Queen Elizabeth’s state dinner for President Trump and first lady Melania on Monday.

American Heritage historians published an article saying that the citizens of the United States are more divided politically today than at any time since the Civil War. Partisan rage is palpable. The latest poll shows that 50 percent of Americans think the other 50 percent have lost their minds.

The Weather Channel reported torrential rainstorms pounding the Southwest after last week’s string of tornadoes. Thousands of square miles are now under water.

Woodstock’s 50th anniversary concert was likely canceled as backers fled the baby boomer vanity project. We’ve changed in 50 years.

NBA officials expressed concern over lower TV ratings in the NBA playoffs this year.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won a ruling from his Florida judge that blocked airing a video of him receiving oral sex from an Asian prostitute, leading to a likely dismissal of all charges.

Alyssa Milano protested a Georgia abortion law on Friday by demanding that every woman in the U.S. go on a sex strike against men until women retrieve what Milano calls their reproductive rights.

Prince Harry and Meghan named their baby boy Archie Harrison Mountbatten Windsor.

St. Luke’s Methodist Church in OKC will host a fundraiser where I’ll perform Thursday for the First Step rehab.

The Kentucky Derby is run on Saturday at Churchill Downs in Louisville, Kentucky.

Game of Thrones riveted many of the nation’s TV viewers Sunday airing on HBO as well as streaming on Amazon.

Hillary Clinton announced that she read the Mueller Report and that crimes were committed in 2016. It seems a little early for her to turn state’s evidence. No one will say Hillary declaring Trump belongs in prison is like the pot calling the kettle black, for fear of being linked to Kate Smith.

Ukrainians elected comedian Volodymyr Zelensky president by a huge majority Sunday. Do not EVER doubt America’s ability to positively influence the world. ...

Queen Elizabeth and the Royal Family attended Good Friday services at the St. George Chapel in Windsor Castle. I may be the easiest-grace Anglican you ever knew. I believe whole heartedly that Jesus died to save me from my sins and I would hate to give him nothing to do up there.

President Trump sent out tweets during the Masters on Sunday as he rooted for his buddy Tiger Woods to win. Afterwards Tiger got a nice tweet from Trump. He never let his marriage-wrecking mistresses interfere with his golf game or his rise to the top, and neither did Woods.

Lori Loughlin got a harsh lecture from the judge for bribing her daughter’s way into USC.

The American Heart Association will hold Heart Walks in cities this summer to promote heart health.

The History Channel will air a four-part series on the life of Jesus. I’m glad he lived when he did. If Jesus offered to feed the 5,000 with six loaves of bread and 12 fishes today, the crowd would demand to know if the bread was gluten-free and if the fish had been tested for mercury.

The New York Post said the FBI labeled its college admissions scandal bust Operation Varsity Blues.

House Democrats revealed plans to introduce gun control legislation in this session of Congress on Friday, believing that the time is politically right.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un sat across a table from President Trump before their meeting as reporters looked on. The U.S. media stayed in character.

The Academy Awards were held on Sunday at the Nokia Theater in Hollywood on Hollywood Boulevard.

Focus on the Family called on Americans to commit to a renewal of family time together away from social media to help ease family tensions caused by isolation.

The Los Angeles Times weighed in on Sunday’s Oscars, declaring that “Black Panther” deserves to win the Oscar for best motion picture.

George Washington will be honored on Presidents Day in speeches and in festivities at Mount Vernon.

Virginia’s governorship looks up for grabs after a cascade of scandals by the state leaders last week.

L.A. Rams Coach Sean McVay was praised for admitting to reporters he got out-coached in the Super Bowl.

The New England Patriots won their eighth Super Bowl Sunday, holding the L.A. Rams to three points.

The Chicago Daily News said the Polar Vortex completely froze the Chicago River and turned Lake Michigan into a glacier last week.

President Trump plans to give a president’s annual message to the nation anyway after Nancy Pelosi disinvited him from the House Chamber.

President Trump canceled Nancy Pelosi’s scheduled flight to Afghanistan aboard a U.S. military jet Thursday, citing the need to reduce government services due to the shutdown. It hit her hard.

President Trump invited House and Senate Democrats to the White House to discuss a deal to end the shutdown Wednesday but nobody showed up.

President Trump told a convention of farmers Monday he’ll see that vetted farm workers and household help can cross the U.S. border back and forth easily.

President Trump stormed out of a brief White House meeting with Democrats Wednesday that failed to settle the government shutdown.

The Comedy Store hosted a synagogue for our Very Jewish Christmas show Tuesday. Beverly Hills is where Jewish people live in Spanish houses, drive German cars and eat Chinese.

Welcome to the latest part of our week in review of the past year, 2018 in jokes.

Thousands of young men in California say they used to be a Christian, but they say they’re much happier now as Christine.

The Comedy Store in La Jolla is hosting my annual New Year’s show Monday.

The Central American caravan of migrants stood at the border Thursday and made a proffer to the U.S. authorities at the border and in the White House.

Men’s Health published a study aimed at Baby Boomer men that said if we exercise daily, eat healthy, and don’t smoke or drink alcohol it will add ten years to our lives.

The Department of Transportation said a record number of people will travel to be with family and friends over the holidays.

The Central American caravan of migrants stood at the border Thursday and made a proffer to the U.S. authorities at the border and in the White House.

The Las Vegas Walk of Stars honored the late comedian Don Rickles. His death last year drew a nice eulogy from President Trump.

PETA said using phrases like killing two birds with one stone is akin to using racist, sexist, homophobic language. It gets worse.

George HW Bush was flown to Washington for his funeral today at the National Cathedral.

President Trump’s old lawyer Michael Cohen pled guilty to Congress Thursday.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Department of Transportation said 60 million people traveled on Thanksgiving, which is a record.

The Department of Transportation said sixty million people traveled on Thanksgiving, which is a record. Staying in L.A. just wasn’t as fun for me this year.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti was back in front of the TV cameras on Thursday after his arrest in Los Angeles.

Fox News did a story on a new hot-selling stuffed doll called Trumpy Bear for children which wears a MAGA cap comes with a U.S. flag. The cute little thing even talks.

The Powerball Lottery paid off a huge jackpot winner in Iowa Monday. As the jackpot grows, we all fantasize about what we’d do if we won it.

The Department of Transportation warned Tuesday this year’s Thanksgiving Weekend travel volume will be the heaviest in U.S. history.

BEVERLY HILLS--God Bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump announced Thursday he’s sending fifteen thousand troops to the border to halt the Guatemalan caravan that’s trudging north through Mexico now.

West Hollywood hosted the nation’s largest and most festive Halloween Parade on Wednesday with one million revelers strolling on Santa Monica Boulevard.

A Brut Cosmetics poll shows Americans take more showers and use more deodorant than any country in the world.

The New York Police announced they will work with the FBI to track down who sent a 10th package made to look like a bomb to Democrats on Thursday.

The Washington Post ripped President Trump for calling Stormy Daniels a Horse Face, saying his obnoxious statements and brusque behavior set a bad example.

USA Today reported that Americans spent two hundred thirty-four billion dollars last year on alcoholic beverages. Booze gets the party going.

Stormy Daniels’s defamation of character lawsuit against President Trump was dismissed by the federal judge in Manhattan Monday.

Homeland Security announced everyone with a cell phone would receive a text from President Trump Wednesday as a national test of the new Emergency Broadcast System

Brett Kavanaugh’s Senate testimony included letters from female classmate friends on Thursday saying he never engaged in any drunken misbehavior.

Tiger Woods roared to his first victory in five years Sunday at the Tour Championship. A good swing never leaves you.

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Brett Kavanaugh must tell the Senate about his sex behavior at a high school party he didn’t attend Monday. It’s crazy.

Christianity Today published an article about the latest Bible translations and compared their scriptures to standard texts. They take a few liberties.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Judge Brett Kavanaugh in his opening statement to his Senate confirmation hearing Tuesday said he is optimistic.

The Hollywood Reporter listed last-minute changes in the fall network TV lineups, bumping the premieres of some new TV shows to January. Some of the new additions have hit written all over them. NBC just picked up the McCain funeral for 22 episodes for the 2018-19 season.

Arizona Sen. John McCain died Saturday following a yearlong struggle with brain cancer, which finally took down the tempestuous Republican and war hero. He had a visceral dislike for President Trump. Imagine McCain’s fury when he gets to heaven and it’s decorated like Mar-a-Lago.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? NBC News reports President Trump is considering a proposal by Blackwater Security founder Erik Prince to privatize the Afghanistan war using U.S. mercenaries who report to the president.

Motown’s Aretha Franklin died after a long illness Thursday at home in Detroit.

The FBI fired agent Peter Stzrok in the wake of the investigation into his partisan behavior in 2016 while he was investigating both Hillary and Trump.

All in the Family’s Norman Lear agreed to create new sitcoms for CBS saying as a committed liberal he feels a lot like Dr. Frankenstein right now. That’s because people always wondered what would happen if you gave Archie Bunker a billion dollars and now we know. He’s in the White House.

President Trump is taking a few weeks off on a golf vacation at his Trump National Golf Club which he owns in Bedminster, New Jersey. A few years ago, Trump revealed future plans to build a cemetery for himself alongside the 18th fairway there. That’s one sure way to finish six-under.

God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Comedy Store Tonight starring Argus Hamilton debuted on You Tube on Tuesday night before a terrific studio audience.

The Episcopal Church and its daughter Methodist Church moved closer to a full communion with a joint committee’s proposal to the each church’s next convention.

President Trump was criticized by nutritionists last weekend for setting a bad example with his love of Big Macs and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Shark Week begins tonight on the Discovery Channel with amazing video of shark life.

Joe Biden encouraged Ukrainians to vote in their upcoming parliamentary elections this coming month. He offered U.S. millions to help Ukraine as long as Ukrainian leaders tackle corruption. Let's face it, if anything will stop corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.