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Jay Leno got a standing ovation Sunday after he crashed and fell off his motorcycle a month after he caught fire while working under his car. Jay is now watched more closely than a Pennsylvania groundhog when walks onstage. If he falls down the steps everyone will know he’s running for president.
This year Bill Murray was in Florida telling cameras here we are at Tom Brady’s retirement again.
Supermarket News reports shortages of tinned fish, and lettuce, dwindling beef supplies, and even a champagne shortage, along with the egg shortage causing poultry products to skyrocket. I finally heard on the news why we’re having an egg shortage. ...
The very possibility of a shutdown raised alarms in Washington. Government workers will have to stop not working.
It’s noteworthy that Colonel Sanders never stored his secret blend of 11 herbs and spices in a garage. That’s why it’s still a secret.
The Los Angeles Times reports the second man to step foot on the moon, NASA’s legendary Buzz Aldrin married a much younger woman on his 93rd birthday Saturday in a ceremony in Beverly Hills. ...
So far, I’m blessed to be having a good year financially. Just two more payments and those dozen eggs are mine.
Billboard quoted Cardi B denouncing the soaring price of groceries in Los Angeles supermarkets Tuesday, prompting economists to say her quote shows inflation is beginning to hit the rich.
Fox News cited an intelligence report Thursday saying UFO sightings have surged in the past two years in the U.S. CNN, NBC and ABC reported there were 400 sightings of UFOs in the U.S. last week. ...
The Centers for Disease Control reported a massive outbreak of bird flu in the United States has left 47 million chickens dead or dying, resulting in shortages.
President Biden this week promised to work with both the GOP House and the Democratic Senate in order to achieve common-sense solutions to the problems facing Americans today. For instance, it’s been five minutes now and they’ve plugged it back in. That should clear up all the problems at the FAA.
Barney’s Beanery owner Lauren Taines offered me a dinner for being the last bar I drank at before getting sober Nov. 3, 1986. I remember a bartender shouted out, asking does anyone knows CPR so I yelled, I know ALL the letters of the alphabet! ...
The World Health Organization reported 15 million new cases of COVID in the first week of the year when Omicron infections peaked. Scientists say it’s far from over and prepare for new variants. I’m starting to think I’m responsible for this pandemic ...
Buffalo warmed up Thursday ending the city’s weeklong record blizzard home shutdown. During the shutdown, the cable news showed a Buffalo man trudging his way through six feet of snow and clearing a path barehanded. His wife had just told him we’re out of bacon and there’s only one beer left.
Travel and Leisure forecast that 47% of Americans will travel this month for winter vacations and for Christmas and holiday celebrations with family. Santa Claus has a new helper this year. This Christmas, Kanye West will be going from house to house to make your drunk uncle seem OK.
The Weather Channel reported a winter storm crossed the nation Wednesday as blizzards buried the Midwest and hailstorms pounded the South.
The FBI scrambled to explain Friday why 80 agents monitor and advise Twitter on what posts to censor. I just canceled my home alarm system and I put up a Trump 2024 sign on my front lawn ...
The Hallmark Channel began releasing Christmas movies last week starting with Christmas Class Reunion followed by The Most Colorful Time of the Year. But you can’t set a Hallmark movie in the South. Unexpected snow isn’t magical in the South and it always leads to a fight at the Piggly Wiggly.
The Saudi-sponsored LIV Tour will hold a tournament next year at Cedar Crest Country Club in Broken Arrow, outside Tulsa. There are doubts about the oil-rich kingdom that is rigidly conservative and religiously fundamental getting involved in golf, but the Saudis said they refuse to judge Oklahoma.
The White House took heat Friday for trading a Russian arms dealer for a WNBA star and BLM activist.
I think it’s time we replace the Border Patrol with doctors’ receptionists. Let’s see how many illegals get past them!
Fox Business Channel interviewed economists this week who warn that falling real estate prices ensure that a recession next year is all but certain. I’d say the recession is definitely here already and there’s proof. Last night in Arkansas, the guy who owns WalMart was seen shopping at WalMart.
Business Week published a survey on texting which revealed 81% of Americans text regularly, with over six billion texts sent daily.
Travel and Leisure forecast that 47% of Americans will travel this month for winter vacations and for Christmas and holiday celebrations with family.
Kim Kardashian and Kanye West agreed on his child support payments Wednesday and finalized their divorce settlement.
The White House faces a split Congress this year with a possible tie in the Senate and a thin GOP margin in the House. It’s like that everywhere. In the World Cup Friday, the U.S. and England played to a 0-0 tie, but we won’t know the final score till Arizona finishes counting the goals in early December.
I may have put up a few too many Christmas lights. An airplane just tried to land in my back yard.
Beverly Hills will turn on its downtown Christmas lights tonight, drawing shoppers from all over the world to the retail stores on Rodeo Drive. You never know which celebrities you might spot while you’re shopping.
The Transportation Department forecast huge Thanksgiving Week travel with the heaviest traffic in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles. It’s a wonderful life. Also in New York, Chicago and Los Angeles, ...
Donald Trump announced for president in 2024 at a rally at Mar-a-Lago Tuesday. It didn’t whip up the excitement he wanted. So to re-capture frenzied voter enthusiasm, Trump is thinking about taking his campaign slogan Make America Great Again and changing it to I Have Taylor Swift Tickets.
Tom Brady was sued by Crypto investors Thursday for a TV commercial he shot on a golf course in which he vouched that Crypto is a safe investment.
Peyton Manning emceed the fifty-sixth Country Music Association Awards ceremony Wednesday which aired live on ABC-TV from the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. A great country music lyric stays with you forever. My new favorite ballad is By the Time I Get to Phoenix, They’ll Still Be Counting.
The Wall Street Journal cited mid-term election exit polls showing how the candidates used issues like abortion and crime to divide the country and get elected. ...
Elon Musk took over Twitter last week sparking hopes that he will install new policies to end the Cancel Culture’s control over free speech on the social media platform. As expected...
The World Series continuing this weekend between the Houston Astros and Philadelphia Phillies was highlighted on Tuesday by a combined no-hitter by five Astros pitchers.
President Biden addressed the nation on political violence Wednesday and tried to link the U.S. Capitol riot to that attack on Paul Pelosi.
Progressive Grocer magazine states Thanksgiving turkeys will cost 50% more this year at grocery stores. It boggles my mind how the American Colonists had to hunt for their food every day when they arrived here. I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.
The Wall Street Journal quoted a survey on social media usage in the U.S. which found that 302 million Americans are on social media now. That’s 90%. The most used is Facebook. When I die I want my tombstone to have free Wi-Fi, that way people will visit me more often.
An SMS survey found that Americans now text more than they make phone calls, email or video chat. Group texts can take you hostage. The best thing to do when you get stuck in a group text is ...
The National Parks Service is considering closing the National Mall Wednesday as part of the Joe Biden team’s plan to ward off protest mobs ahead of time. All I can say is, thank God President Trump brought so many U.S. troops home from around the world. We need them for the Inauguration.
God Bless America, and how's everybody?
God Bless America, and how's everybody?
HOLLYWOOD – God Bless America, and how's everybody?
Welcome back to parts five and six of our annual Year in Jokes.
Welcome back to parts three and four of our annual Year in Jokes.
Welcome to the end of the year! It’s time for our annual look at the year in jokes. Here are part's one and two:
The White House reported Moderna obtained FDA approval for its COVID vaccine, along with Pfizer’s, both now in distribution, prompting resistance to inoculation due to conspiracy theories. ...
Congress came under huge pressure Thursday to give more relief for businesses hit hardest by Covid. AMC Movie Theaters said they need seven hundred and fifty million dollars in order to survive 2021.
The Weather Channel tracked the first major winter snowstorm heading across the country all this week. The Eastern Seaboard was forecast to receive 18-24 inches of snow on Friday....
God Bless America, and how's everybody?
The Supreme Court last week dealt a blow to New York restrictions on religious services while California churches had a similar win. Religious ritual is a part of my life. Each morning when I wake up, I immediately turn on cable news to see which chapter of Revelation we will be doing today.
Great Britain became the first country to approve Pfizer’s COVID vaccine Monday and quickly distributed 40 million vials of the vaccine to health care workers and to seniors throughout the kingdom. However, there is one urinary side effect ...
The Hollywood Christmas Parade sponsored by Stovetop Stuffing had to be canceled Sunday due to Covid. A movie star always sits in the lead convertible. This year Katherine Heigl had been selected as the Grand Marshal because only Stovetop has been in more turkeys than Katherine Heigl.
Happy Thanksgiving, everybody, and God Bless America.
Thanksgiving Week is predicted by the Department of Transportation to be the first big travel holiday this year. It’s wiser for some to stay home.
President Trump appeared set in his new policy of ignoring the media as reporters noted the president has not answered a single question since Election Day.
The Masters Invitational stages its final round Sunday at the famed Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia.
The White House legal team launched a widespread investigation into mail-in voter fraud and miscounting of votes in Pennsylvania, Michigan, Nevada and Arizona.
The Comedy Store is nice enough to throw me a birthday party tonight to mark my sixty-ninth spin around the sun today, always a time to reflect.
Los Angeles talk radio stations were flooded with calls Wednesday from listeners who say they couldn’t bear to watch cable news on Election Night due to all the tension and anger.
The Comedy Store lost appeals for in-club shows so we must perform to a patio crowd through a bullet-proof showroom window. So I rehearse every day to bank tellers.
The World Series between the Los Angeles Dodgers and the Tampa Bay Rays got underway on Tuesday night at a ballpark in Arlington. Every year, before Game One I always love the patriotic pre-game pageantry. On Tuesday, the CEO of Twitter was on hand to throw out the First Amendment.
The Hollywood Reporter reports film executives were in meetings all week to guess what kind of movies to make when the lockdowns end. People always love a good crime story.
The New York Post published emails from Hunter Biden’s computer showing Joe Biden met with Hunter’s Ukrainian benefactor while Joe was vice president. ...
A Portland professor is under fire for his new book defending British Colonialism and the U.S. conquest of the West. History doesn’t tell you what will happen, it warns you what can happen.
The New York Post reported a vigil marked John Lennon’s eightieth birthday Friday night at the New York City doorway where he was slain.
The Hollywood Reporter reported the TV ratings for the presidential debate Tuesday night and Nielsen reports that 73 million viewers tuned in. There is one consensus. ...
Cosmopolitan ran a survey showing Millennial women are increasingly drawn to dating older men.
Psychology Today published a nationwide survey which finds that Americans are more cynical about the future than at any time in the past eighty years. Last week a reporter asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize he meant autumn, and not the collapse of civilization.
Hall of Fame trainer Bob Baffert claimed his record-tying sixth Kentucky Derby win Saturday when Authentic outraced Tiz-the-Law wire-to-wire on NBC. I didn’t see the race, I read about it later. If I wanted to watch a bunch of horses’ asses running around in circles, I’d tune in to C-SPAN.
Labor Day Weekend is here, which every four years marks the official start of the presidential campaign. The holiday itself brings out the Democrat in me. I’m spending all weekend wearing a miniature blue flag pinned to my shirt, which marks me as Safe from being set up by a beauty salon.
The NFL will print End Racism in giant lettering in stadium end zones this fall. Both parties applaud the idea of ending racism
The Wall Street Journal reports polls show a wildly fluctuating race with sixty-five days left to go before the election. Friday, the first presidential preference poll came out after Americans had seen both Joe Biden’s and Donald Trump’s convention speeches. Queen Elizabeth got a huge bounce.
The Rolling Stones vowed to sue President Trump to force him to stop playing their songs at his campaign events. He gives them a lot of publicity. The Surgeon General’s new tobacco warning reads that for every cigarette you smoke, God takes one hour away from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.
The CDC began classifying Baby Boomers as Covid risks Sunday. People ask me if I’m afraid of the virus. I survived atomic bomb testing, the Cuban Missile Crisis, Beatlemania, six years of college beer, cocaine in the ‘70s, rehabs in the 80s and forty-four years of L.A. women, so no, I’m good.
L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti threatened Wednesday to shut off water and power to homes that host parties. Not to be outdone, New York Mayor DeBlasio set up checkpoints to enter Manhattan. You know the world sucks when the best news in the last six months is that at least the explosion wasn’t nuclear.
God Bless America, and how's everybody? The Wall Street Journal reported the Gallup poll which says 84% of Americans blame the media for the nation’s bitter divisions. But every year in August there is a proven and happy way to release all the tension. This is National Clown Week, so arm yourselves and shoot to kill.
President Trump ignited establishment alarm Thursday suggesting that Election Day could be delayed. I think the left must be legally blind. Saturday Night Live wasted five years using Alec Baldwin as its Trump impersonator, when Gary Busey was right in front of their eyes the entire time.
Ellen DeGeneres’s talk show career is in jeopardy as Warner Brothers is investigating charges on social media against her production company. Former employees posted she was abusive to her staff in a toxic work environment. If that’s true, her next logical career move would be Congress.
The Major League Baseball season got underway Thursday when the Washington Nationals hosted the New York Yankees in the season opener in Washington. Millions of television viewers tuned in to enjoy the pre-game ceremony. Dr. Fauci was on hand to throw out the First Amendment.
God Bless America, and how's everybody? The White House press conference Wednesday opened with some welcome and long-hoped-for news from the pharmaceutical industry. We knew it had to happen eventually. Baby Boomers at Pfizer Lab finally invented the vaccine for COVID-19, after giving up trying to figure out how to go on Zoom.
Dr. Fauci lashed back at a White House Task Force member Thursday who’d said Fauci was wrong about everything. New debates rage over school openings and sports resumptions amid shutdowns. I just cleaned my TV screen with anti-virus wipes and lost CNN, MSNBC and Fox News.
WalMart announced a new policy effective nationwide Wednesday requiring every customer entering the store to be wearing a face mask. Reaction was swift. A lot of Americans are quite insulted that WalMart, who doesn’t care if your butt is covered, is telling you that your face has to be.
The U.S. Supreme Court handed down a landmark decision on Thursday ruling that Eastern Oklahoma by signed treaty is still Indian Territory.
John Wayne Airport in Orange County might be re-named due to a remark he made supporting white supremacy in a Playboy interview 50 years ago. It’s been John Wayne Airport for 40 years. ...
Liberty College will celebrate the Fourth of July by posting a detailed explanation and history of the Constitution and the reason behind each Article and each Amendment.
The Dixie Chicks dropped Dixie from their name so as not to offend anyone with the reference to the Confederacy. They’ll just be The Chicks, and only offend feminists. Also, to please the mob, AC/DC will be New Binary, Green Day will be The Green New Deal and The Police will be Defunded.
Warner Brothers in Hollywood announced last week its Looney Tunes Cartoon show on HBO Max will no longer show cartoon characters firing guns. The studio ruled that all guns are out. ...
The Hollywood Reporter warns that cable news hysteria could lead to viewer fatigue and lower ratings. All year long, the news has been nothing but Covid-19, shutdown, police brutality, rioting, and Black Lives Matter. Am I the only one who’s still fighting the scourge of plastic drinking straws?
President Trump holds a rally in Tulsa Saturday where a million people applied to attend but only 20,000 can get in. Expect a volcanic reaction against COVID shutdowns, riots, looting and monument desecration. America hasn’t lost all its marbles, but there’s definitely a hole in the bag.
President Trump took criticism from the media and Democrats Monday for scheduling a huge rally Saturday. The CDC concurred, saying the 20,000 attendees at the Trump rally in Tulsa are in danger from the spread of COVID-19. However, they said the 40,000 protesters will be completely safe.
The American Medical Journal says plastic surgeons are doing big business since re-opening due to pent-up demand.
The Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in West Hollywood is planning to re-open next weekend and resume our stand-up comedy shows. I’ve tried to stay cheerful during the shutdown. ...
An L.A. city official who slashed the Los Angeles Police Department budget Monday was found to have a private security force guarding her house. The idea was first tried back in the Sixties. The first person ever to defund the police was Andy Griffith, when he limited Barney Fife to one bullet.
The Weather Channel reported Santa Ana breezes blew off the Imperial Desert into Southern California, heralding a new normal in our local weather. I’m so lulled by home confinement it took me by surprise. I can’t believe it’s riot season already and I still have my Covid season decorations up.
Ring magazine reports that Mike Tyson is looking to make a comeback at age fifty and wants a rematch with old foe Evander Holyfield.
Los Angeles police began citing joggers and walkers who refused to wear facial covering while jogging or walking in public.
USA Today reports parents are worried about a possible lack of summer activities deemed safe enough for children and teenagers to enjoy. The outbreak has canceled church youth camps back in my home state of Oklahoma.
Los Angeles voters stunned pundits in the special election Tuesday when GOP candidate Mike Garcia upset a Democrat in a U.S. House race. It says a lot. Who knew that all you had to do was close down the beaches for a couple of months and L.A. would start electing Republicans to Congress.
Dr. Fauci went into self-quarantine last week, however he went on Skype from home to threaten to recommend closing down the 2020 sports seasons. He’s now threatening the sacred religion of college football. I say we open the country now before Oklahoma has to play Texas this fall on Zoom.
President Trump will be targeted by a new House committee claiming he betrayed America by late actions on Covid-19. No one feels more betrayed lately than Generation X...
President Trump was optimistic Thursday, reporting progress in the war on COVID-19. We’re attacking the virus from three angles. Pfizer is working on a treatment, Oxford is working on a vaccine, and Trump just called Hillary to tell her he’s heard the virus is going to testify against her.
Willie Nelson went on social media last week to thank all his fans for their best wishes when he celebrated his 87th birthday.
NBC News reported the mayor of Las Vegas is getting backing from the Wynn Hotel after she revealed plans to re-open the city in mid- May. The city is confident it can handle any threat from the virus. The difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas is, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
President Trump’s convicted former lawyer Michael Cohen was one of thousands of prisoners freed due to the COVID-19 scare. The virus resulted in a feeling of forgiveness across the land. Any day, I expect to see a public health commercial in which O.J. Simpson assures us that gloves work.
The White House reported mobile testing is available to determine immunity from the coronavirus with testing facilities now set up in all 50 states. Baby Boomers flocked to the test ...
A Chicago federal judge denied R. Kelly’s request for release from jail over his fear of COVID-19 Tuesday. It’s to protect all the witnesses to his behavior.
The New York Post says a Bengal Tiger in the Bronx Zoo in New York developed a dry cough over the weekend which prompted zoo veterinarians and epidemiologists to give the tiger a medical exam. The big cat tested positive for corona virus. Great, now I have to keep six feet away from tigers.
President Trump spoke solemnly to the American people at a press conference Tuesday and he laid out the sacrifices it will take to defeat the virus
Major League Baseball postponed the season scheduled to start this week due to Corona Virus that crossed the ocean to the U.S. from China this year.
President Trump continued calling the pandemic the virus rather than the Chinese virus this week. Trump said even though it started in Wuhan, he doesn’t want Chinese-Americans to feel stigmatized. Every country in the world has the Corona Virus now, but China got it right off the bat.
Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin expressed confidence a relief bill for business and workers is doable Tuesday.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft told reporters he wishes departing quarterback Tom Brady the best.
Ralph’s supermarket in Santa Monica reportedly made a $1 million in one day Thursday when customers panicked over the COVID-19 scare.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The National Institute of Health Director Dr. Anthony Fauci addressed Congress Thursday and warned that Corona Virus will spread before it begins to wane.
Psychology Today said it takes people about a week to recover from losing an hour of Sunday sleep due to the clock switch for Daylight Saving Time.
The Comedy Store tonight will mark my forty-fourth year of performing at the world capital of comedy.
The Rolling Stones website announced that the group’s 2020 North American tour will begin in San Diego’s baseball stadium in May. They should be guarded by the CDC. If the Corona Virus gets into the dressing room and infects Keith Richards, the virus could mutate and live forever.
Harvey Weinstein was convicted on one rape charge in New York Monday and taken off to jail to await sentencing.
Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign leaked to Drudge Report Friday he wants Hillary Clinton to be his running mate should he get the Democratic nomination.
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show aired live from Madison Square Garden on Monday and Tuesday in New York.
Chris Matthews and James Carville sounded the alarm to fellow Democrats Monday about big government socialists.
President Trump took a victory lap Wednesday at the National Prayer Breakfast and a White House gathering of Republican lawmakers that stood by him during impeachment.
The Anglican Communion met in England and voted to suspend the U.S. Episcopal Church for sanctioning gay marriage.
The Super Bowl will include an interview with President Trump before the game.
The New York Times weighed in on the Democratic presidential race Thursday by giving out their endorsement just 10 days before the Iowa caucuses.
Fox News switched to regular programming Wednesday with updates on the Senate trial after terrible ratings during the first day of full coverage.
Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers blamed Sunday’s playoff loss to the 49ers on not having home field advantage.
Duchess Meghan began her Canadian publicity barrage Tuesday by sailing across Vancouver Sound to visit a women’s shelter.
Graceland in Memphis had a vigil Wednesday to mark the eighty-fifth anniversary of the birth of Elvis Presley.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Golden Globe Awards were highlighted by Ricky Gervais’ blistering and hilarious anti-PC opening monologue. It didn’t go unnoticed in Washington. Ricky Gervais could be impeached and removed from show business for attacking Hollywood without first obtaining Congressional approval.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Here’s a taste of of our annual Year in Jokes. The New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft was charged with hiring prostitutes at an Asian massage parlor in Florida. During his team’s post-Super Bowl scandal two years ago when they were accused of deflating footballs, Kraft stated that nobody played with his balls. Well, now there’s video.
Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” was nominated for a Golden Globe for Best Comedy Motion Picture, which was set in the world-changing year of 1969.
Southern California mountains were under a frost alert Monday as a cold front from Alaska roared into L.A.
The Bob Hope Foundation and Trust donated sixty years of his stand-up comedy monologues from his radio shows, his TV shows and his USO show performances to the Smithsonian Museum in the nation’s capital.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Politico reported that Harris Polling ran a national poll of Democratic voters asking who they support for president. The list included Hillary and John Kerry. Hillary won with 21%, followed by Biden with 20%, Bernie at 12%, Liz at 10%, and Kerry just lucky the race wasn’t held at Santa Anita.
WalMart opened its doors at six o’clock on Thanksgiving Day, kicking off Black Friday retail sales.
The National Retail Federation reported that Americans this year will spend over $1 trillion dollars on Christmas.
The Sporting News released its rankings of the one hundred and fifty greatest college football players of all time Thursday.
San Francisco’s new District Attorney declared he will allow the residents of San Francisco to pee anywhere they like any time they like without any fear of being prosecuted.
Thanksgiving Week is predicted to be the busiest travel week in history both on the road and in the air by the Transportation Department Wednesday.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The National Retail Federation predicted Americans will spend $465 billion dollars on Christmas gifts this year. It starts with the Black Friday melee. WalMart announced it will be closed on Thanksgiving Day until six o’clock, so that both cashiers can be with their families.
The Nutcracker Suite will play in Hollywood at the Dolby Theater starting early in December this year.
God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Beverly Hills Courthouse put up its Nativity Scene on the lawn Monday, which is annually a major tourist attraction despite hostility to the display by locals. The other night a smart aleck asked me what Jesus’ full name was. So I dropped a bowling ball on his foot and he got all three right.
Carrie Fisher: A Life on the Edge is a new biography of the greatly-beloved “Star Wars” legend who died two years ago after a wild Hollywood life.
California firefighters battled wildfires in Wine Country and below the Getty Center museum Sunday as rolling power blackouts were ordered statewide to reduce the fire danger.
The NBC station in Dallas apologized for endangering public safety when they refused to cut into the Dallas Cowboys’ game Sunday to warn of arriving tornadoes.
The Sooner Schooner pioneer wagon crashed after an Oklahoma touchdown Saturday.
North Carolina police arrested three workers at a senior living home for staging a Fight Club for dementia patients Monday.
Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones stood by his coach who got the team penalized Sunday for swearing at an NFL referee over a bad call. It’s worse in the NBA.
God bless America, and how’s everybody? USA Today reports a Georgia high school suspended a teacher Friday for telling her students that boys who display the Confederate flag will someday grow up to marry their sisters. I applaud the suspension. I think it’s about time the US education system took a stand against revealing spoilers.
God bless America, and how’s everybody? Publisher’s Weekly reports Demi Moore’s tell-all autobiography is a huge best-seller in which the star recounts her movie career, her love life, and her married life. It’s sad how Demi Moore’s book revealed that Ashton Kutcher cheated on her. I thought she would’ve raised him better than that.
The Hollywood Reporter reports the studios will roll out lots of Halloween movies next month and Hulu will be steaming horror movies as well.
Rush Limbaugh on the radio Thursday defended smoking e-cigarettes, pointing out it is simply vaporized nicotine.
Kentucky Fried Chicken introduced its new KFC Chicken and Donuts Dinner Wednesday.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The Hollywood Reporter published an article on Friday on plans by celebrities to influence the 2020 presidential election on TV, in the movies, at awards shows and on social media.
Hurricane Dorian washed ashore 16 bricks of cocaine worth over $400,000 sealed inside delivery packets onto the beach in Florida on Tuesday.
The Weather Channel tracked Hurricane Dorian Thursday as it missed Puerto Rico heading up to the Eastern Seaboard.
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump took Air Force One to France on Friday to meet with the Group of Seven industrial leaders in the resort of Biarritz. Trump has three agenda items on his plate. He wants to talk them into fair trade deals, remind them of their NATO dues and make an offer on Normandy.
The Labor Department says U.S. workers did not take hundreds of millions of August vacation days owed to them in order to stay on the job.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New England Patriots open the defense of their Super Bowl title with the season-opening game against the Pittsburgh Steelers September 8th. Under owner Robert Kraft, the Patriots have won six Super Bowl rings. Last week, Joe Biden phoned Kraft and congratulated him on his sex ring.
President Trump campaigned in Pennsylvania on Monday while Bernie, Liz and Biden tore it up in Iowa.
HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how›s everybody? The Wall Street Journal reports that bankruptcies are on the rise across America this summer with many upscale lifestyles in jeopardy. One trait the Americans inherited from the British is the determination to keep up appearances.
Victoria’s Secret hired its first transgender catalogue model Friday, the same day Netflix added a transgender character to Rocko’s Modern Life.
The Baltimore Sun reported Saturday that four Baltimore Orioles fans were kicked out of the team’s Camden Yards stadium on Friday night for unfurling a pro-Trump banner in the bleachers.
God bless America, and how’s everybody? Jerry Seinfeld, now appearing on “Comedians in Cars Having Coffee”, ripped longtime nemesis Bobcat Goldthwait on the air, as neither one thinks the other’s material is even bearable. America has a unique way of letting the world know which jokes we will tolerate and which jokes we won’t. We let the voters decide.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody? The New York Times ignited a controversy Monday by saying the NASA Mercury, Gemini and Apollo missions to put a man on the moon in the late 1960s was a racist endeavor. That’s an easy point for leftists to argue. By the time Michael Jackson performed the Moonwalk, even HE was white.
“Framing John DeLorean” is a film about the creator of the Delorean car made famous in “Back to the Future.”
The Weather Channel reports the return of the Santa Ana breezes to Southern California this week baking Los Angeles in triple-digit temperatures.
The U.S. Women’s soccer team was showered by a confetti parade on the Canyon of Heroes in New York on Wednesday after winning the World Cup.
Los Angeles withstood 2,000 aftershocks over the weekend from the two earthquakes that hit last weekend.
President Trump hosted a spectacular fireworks show at the Lincoln Memorial underlined by an Army tank parade and flyovers.
Politico reports the Democratic presidential candidates are fanning across Iowa to campaign at July Fourth events tomorrow.
The History Channel aired a special about the stories behind all the White House furnishings Friday.
The Weather Channel reports high pressure maintaining its grip on the country today, sending temperature readings into the triple digits from Southern California all the way to the Carolinas. You can tell summer has finally arrived. WalMart and Target just put out their Christmas decorations.
Donald of Orange kicked off his 2020 campaign in Orlando, prompting Creepy Joe, Bolshevik Bernie, Elizabeth Wahoo Warren and Mayor Pete to vow to defeat him.
The National Retail Federation reported Americans spent a record $18 billion on Father’s Day gifts, including clothing, gifts and cards.
The Weather Channel reported the annual Santa Ana Winds arrived in Southern California this week, turning the L.A. Basin and the San Fernando Valley into dry-heat ovens.
American Heritage historians published an article saying that the citizens of the United States are more divided politically today than at any time since the Civil War. Partisan rage is palpable. The latest poll shows that 50 percent of Americans think the other 50 percent have lost their minds.
The Weather Channel reported torrential rainstorms pounding the Southwest after last week’s string of tornadoes. Thousands of square miles are now under water.
Woodstock’s 50th anniversary concert was likely canceled as backers fled the baby boomer vanity project. We’ve changed in 50 years.
NBA officials expressed concern over lower TV ratings in the NBA playoffs this year.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won a ruling from his Florida judge that blocked airing a video of him receiving oral sex from an Asian prostitute, leading to a likely dismissal of all charges.
Alyssa Milano protested a Georgia abortion law on Friday by demanding that every woman in the U.S. go on a sex strike against men until women retrieve what Milano calls their reproductive rights.
St. Luke’s Methodist Church in OKC will host a fundraiser where I’ll perform Thursday for the First Step rehab.
Game of Thrones riveted many of the nation’s TV viewers Sunday airing on HBO as well as streaming on Amazon.
Hillary Clinton announced that she read the Mueller Report and that crimes were committed in 2016. It seems a little early for her to turn state’s evidence. No one will say Hillary declaring Trump belongs in prison is like the pot calling the kettle black, for fear of being linked to Kate Smith.
Ukrainians elected comedian Volodymyr Zelensky president by a huge majority Sunday. Do not EVER doubt America’s ability to positively influence the world. ...
Queen Elizabeth and the Royal Family attended Good Friday services at the St. George Chapel in Windsor Castle. I may be the easiest-grace Anglican you ever knew. I believe whole heartedly that Jesus died to save me from my sins and I would hate to give him nothing to do up there.
President Trump sent out tweets during the Masters on Sunday as he rooted for his buddy Tiger Woods to win. Afterwards Tiger got a nice tweet from Trump. He never let his marriage-wrecking mistresses interfere with his golf game or his rise to the top, and neither did Woods.
Lori Loughlin got a harsh lecture from the judge for bribing her daughter’s way into USC.
The History Channel will air a four-part series on the life of Jesus. I’m glad he lived when he did. If Jesus offered to feed the 5,000 with six loaves of bread and 12 fishes today, the crowd would demand to know if the bread was gluten-free and if the fish had been tested for mercury.
The New York Post said the FBI labeled its college admissions scandal bust Operation Varsity Blues.
House Democrats revealed plans to introduce gun control legislation in this session of Congress on Friday, believing that the time is politically right.
North Korea’s Kim Jung Un sat across a table from President Trump before their meeting as reporters looked on. The U.S. media stayed in character.
The Academy Awards were held on Sunday at the Nokia Theater in Hollywood on Hollywood Boulevard.
Focus on the Family called on Americans to commit to a renewal of family time together away from social media to help ease family tensions caused by isolation.
The Los Angeles Times weighed in on Sunday’s Oscars, declaring that “Black Panther” deserves to win the Oscar for best motion picture.
George Washington will be honored on Presidents Day in speeches and in festivities at Mount Vernon.
Virginia’s governorship looks up for grabs after a cascade of scandals by the state leaders last week.
L.A. Rams Coach Sean McVay was praised for admitting to reporters he got out-coached in the Super Bowl.
The New England Patriots won their eighth Super Bowl Sunday, holding the L.A. Rams to three points.
The Chicago Daily News said the Polar Vortex completely froze the Chicago River and turned Lake Michigan into a glacier last week.
President Trump plans to give a president’s annual message to the nation anyway after Nancy Pelosi disinvited him from the House Chamber.
President Trump canceled Nancy Pelosi’s scheduled flight to Afghanistan aboard a U.S. military jet Thursday, citing the need to reduce government services due to the shutdown. It hit her hard.
President Trump invited House and Senate Democrats to the White House to discuss a deal to end the shutdown Wednesday but nobody showed up.
President Trump told a convention of farmers Monday he’ll see that vetted farm workers and household help can cross the U.S. border back and forth easily.
President Trump stormed out of a brief White House meeting with Democrats Wednesday that failed to settle the government shutdown.
The Comedy Store hosted a synagogue for our Very Jewish Christmas show Tuesday. Beverly Hills is where Jewish people live in Spanish houses, drive German cars and eat Chinese.
Welcome to the latest part of our week in review of the past year, 2018 in jokes.
Thousands of young men in California say they used to be a Christian, but they say they’re much happier now as Christine.
The Comedy Store in La Jolla is hosting my annual New Year’s show Monday.
The Central American caravan of migrants stood at the border Thursday and made a proffer to the U.S. authorities at the border and in the White House.
The Department of Transportation said a record number of people will travel to be with family and friends over the holidays.
The Central American caravan of migrants stood at the border Thursday and made a proffer to the U.S. authorities at the border and in the White House.
The Las Vegas Walk of Stars honored the late comedian Don Rickles. His death last year drew a nice eulogy from President Trump.
PETA said using phrases like killing two birds with one stone is akin to using racist, sexist, homophobic language. It gets worse.
George HW Bush was flown to Washington for his funeral today at the National Cathedral.
President Trump’s old lawyer Michael Cohen pled guilty to Congress Thursday.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Department of Transportation said 60 million people traveled on Thanksgiving, which is a record.
The Department of Transportation said sixty million people traveled on Thanksgiving, which is a record. Staying in L.A. just wasn’t as fun for me this year.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti was back in front of the TV cameras on Thursday after his arrest in Los Angeles.
The Department of Transportation warned Tuesday this year’s Thanksgiving Weekend travel volume will be the heaviest in U.S. history.
BEVERLY HILLS--God Bless America, and how’s everybody? President Trump announced Thursday he’s sending fifteen thousand troops to the border to halt the Guatemalan caravan that’s trudging north through Mexico now.
West Hollywood hosted the nation’s largest and most festive Halloween Parade on Wednesday with one million revelers strolling on Santa Monica Boulevard.
The New York Police announced they will work with the FBI to track down who sent a 10th package made to look like a bomb to Democrats on Thursday.
The Washington Post ripped President Trump for calling Stormy Daniels a Horse Face, saying his obnoxious statements and brusque behavior set a bad example.
USA Today reported that Americans spent two hundred thirty-four billion dollars last year on alcoholic beverages. Booze gets the party going.
Stormy Daniels’s defamation of character lawsuit against President Trump was dismissed by the federal judge in Manhattan Monday.
Homeland Security announced everyone with a cell phone would receive a text from President Trump Wednesday as a national test of the new Emergency Broadcast System
Brett Kavanaugh’s Senate testimony included letters from female classmate friends on Thursday saying he never engaged in any drunken misbehavior.
Tiger Woods roared to his first victory in five years Sunday at the Tour Championship. A good swing never leaves you.
HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Brett Kavanaugh must tell the Senate about his sex behavior at a high school party he didn’t attend Monday. It’s crazy.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Judge Brett Kavanaugh in his opening statement to his Senate confirmation hearing Tuesday said he is optimistic.
The Hollywood Reporter listed last-minute changes in the fall network TV lineups, bumping the premieres of some new TV shows to January. Some of the new additions have hit written all over them. NBC just picked up the McCain funeral for 22 episodes for the 2018-19 season.
Arizona Sen. John McCain died Saturday following a yearlong struggle with brain cancer, which finally took down the tempestuous Republican and war hero. He had a visceral dislike for President Trump. Imagine McCain’s fury when he gets to heaven and it’s decorated like Mar-a-Lago.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? NBC News reports President Trump is considering a proposal by Blackwater Security founder Erik Prince to privatize the Afghanistan war using U.S. mercenaries who report to the president.
The FBI fired agent Peter Stzrok in the wake of the investigation into his partisan behavior in 2016 while he was investigating both Hillary and Trump.
All in the Family’s Norman Lear agreed to create new sitcoms for CBS saying as a committed liberal he feels a lot like Dr. Frankenstein right now. That’s because people always wondered what would happen if you gave Archie Bunker a billion dollars and now we know. He’s in the White House.
President Trump is taking a few weeks off on a golf vacation at his Trump National Golf Club which he owns in Bedminster, New Jersey. A few years ago, Trump revealed future plans to build a cemetery for himself alongside the 18th fairway there. That’s one sure way to finish six-under.
God Bless America, and how’s everybody? The Comedy Store Tonight starring Argus Hamilton debuted on You Tube on Tuesday night before a terrific studio audience.
The Episcopal Church and its daughter Methodist Church moved closer to a full communion with a joint committee’s proposal to the each church’s next convention.
President Trump was criticized by nutritionists last weekend for setting a bad example with his love of Big Macs and Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Joe Biden encouraged Ukrainians to vote in their upcoming parliamentary elections this coming month. He offered U.S. millions to help Ukraine as long as Ukrainian leaders tackle corruption. Let's face it, if anything will stop corruption, it's bribing someone to stop corruption.