Hamilton: Long CVS receipts are plenty of emergency toilet tissue

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

Ralph’s supermarket in Santa Monica reportedly made a $1 million in one day Thursday when customers panicked over the COVID-19 scare. Don’t panic if your grocery store runs out of bathroom tissue, just go to CVS and buy something. Their receipt is as long as a roll of toilet paper.

Wall Street fell into panic in reaction to the coronavirus business shutdowns Monday as the Dow Jones crashed 3,000 points, the biggest drop in the stock market’s history. I don’t want to say it looks bad, but after Monday’s trading session ended, my stockbroker called ME. Collect.

Bill Cosby is in prison in Pennsylvania awaiting federal appeal of his conviction two years ago for drugging a woman to sleep and then raping her, however the comedian will become eligible for parole next year. It’s been reported that Bill Cosby is in solitary confinement. So he may outlive us all.

President Trump on Monday issued guidelines to stop the spread of corona virus within 15 days, which included closing of restaurants, and bars and working from home. The coronavirus HAS allowed Trump to keep ONE 2016 campaign promise. Mexico has just offered to pay for the wall.

The White House guidelines announced Monday coincided with emergency decrees by state governors ordering people to stay home from work. Please pray for America’s husbands this week. They can’t leave the house, there’s no sports on TV, and their wives want to practice social distancing.

L.A. Mayor Eric Garcetti issued an order closing all restaurants, bars and nightclubs in L.A., but banning landlords from evicting tenants. By mayoral decree, I can no longer work and I can no longer be evicted. Three weeks of this and your voter registration automatically defaults to Democrat.

The Chicago Sun-Times reported that the city had only 18 people shot over the weekend perhaps due to the self-quarantines. A college buddy of mine who lives in Chicago assured me that Chicago isn’t nearly as dangerous as people say it is. He’s the tail gunner on a Northern Tissue truck.

Fox Business News and CNBC each helped to tee up Monday’s market crash by breathlessly reporting a sell-off in the futures market five hours before the stock exchange even opened. It’s no wonder there’s a toilet paper shortage in America. Cable news is scaring the crap out of everybody.

Augusta National clarified its tentative schedule Monday saying the Masters may be delayed one week if everyone can be safe from contagion. PGA golfers don’t have to be told to wash their balls for at least 20 seconds after every hole. They learned that in hygieneclass back in high school.

Joe Biden in his presidential debate with Bernie Sanders Sunday insisted he’d never close U.S. borders. As a devout Roman Catholic, Joe Biden says he’s lighting a candle for the coronavirus victims. Unfortunately it’s a Gwyneth Paltrow candle, and now they can’t get Joe out of the church.

The Wall Street Journal reported that the nation’s cruise line industry shut down for a month joining other travel and entertainment businesses in going dark. Disney closed all their theme parks on Sunday. It seems that Sneezy infected Doc with COVID-19 that he had caught from a High Ho.

Facebook users saw a video of an influenza specialist Friday who said that coronavirus can be eradicated by aiming a portable hair dryer up your nose to kill the virus with the hot air. After all these years, it’s the first time I’ve heard that blow up my nose could actually save my life instead of ending it. I guess they had to shut down all the recovery meetings before the truth finally came out.