Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Tue, Feb. 18

Hamilton: Insurance would have saved Aaron Rodgers from 'Mayhem'

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

    Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers blamed Sunday’s playoff loss to the 49ers on not having home field advantage. The 49ers defense knocked him onto the ground all day. If Aaron Rodgers had been protected by Allstate instead of State Farm he’d have been protected from ‘Mayhem’, like this.

    President Trump flew to Davos, Switzerland, Monday for the annual conference of the world’s billionaires, tech giants, and CEOs of every major industry to plot the future. Just how exclusive is this club? To get an invitation, a President of the United States has to know a guy who knows a guy.

    The National Archive was slammed for archiving a photo of the Pussy Hat Women’s March of 2017 and blurring out the vulgar anti-Trump signs. Critics only galvanize this president. Trump went to the Women’s March protest on Saturday and came back with a sandwich and his shirt ironed.

    The U.S. Senate Chamber hosted the impeachment trial of President Trump Tuesday. Tensions are high, yet the result is not in doubt. When Trump is acquitted, House Democrats are going to lose their crap faster than a homeless guy in San Francisco walking up Nob Hill after three sweet potatoes.

    Congress split up into warring legal camps with Democrats and Republicans rabid to attack or defend the president in the Senate trial. How fed up are voters over this circus? According to the latest national poll, the American people’s interest in the Royal Family is at a level unseen since 1759.

    Washington D.C.’s Martin Luther King memorial statue was site of a special event celebrating the life of the great civil rights leader, who would have been 91 today. I’m sure that if MLK were alive, he’d still have a dream. It’s just that it would be interrupted five times a night to get up and pee.

    Prince Harry faced reporters in London Monday to state why he’s forsaken his royal duties to follow his wife off to Canada, causing the Queen to strip him of his royal title. This turned out to be some fairy tale. Meghan Markle will go down in history as the first women to turn a Prince into a frog.

    Prince Harry said Monday that England will always be his home even if he’s living in Canada or the U.S. The real news isn’t that Harry has abdicated his royal duties. The real news is that a 35-year-old Millennial just moved out of his grandmother’s house and gave up his allowance.

    Canadian newspapers reported Duchess Meghan took the boat from the island off Vancouver where she’s staying into Vancouver to visit a woman’s shelter. According to the Globe tabloid, as a child Meghan Markle dreamed of growing up to be a princess. Oh no, sorry, that was Bruce Jenner.

    Nancy Pelosi signed her name to the articles of impeachment in an elaborate ceremony Friday morning. She then handed out the nine pens she used to spell out Nancy Pelosi on the document. Leave it to Congress to spend a bazillion dollars on pens that only have enough ink to write one letter.

    Richmond had an NRA rally Monday protesting Gov. Northram’s gun-control bill where the media hoped to see Nazis and Klansmen, but all they saw were peaceful gun-rights activists of all races. They can’t believe Northram would do this to them. At least General Grant let the Virginians keep their guns.

    The Drug Enforcement Agency reported a huge increase in methamphetamine production in the U.S. in the past decade. Last weekend in Houston, a man on the street who was high on meth was able to fight off 15 cops while he continued to masturbate. And Iran thinks they can take us!

    The Comedy Store started a campaign to put our late founder Mitzi Shore’s star on Hollywood Boulevard. She forced me to get sober and stay sober in 1986. I just saw History Channel’s 10 Biggest Mistakes in History and I was amazed to see Mitzi’s decision to save my life rated No. 5.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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