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Wed, Feb. 19

Hamilton: Meghan has information that may lead to Hillary’s arrest

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

Duchess Meghan began her Canadian publicity barrage Tuesday by sailing across Vancouver Sound to visit a women’s shelter. That might be a safe place for her to stay. Queen Elizabeth just called Hillary Clinton and warned Hillary that Meghan has information that could lead to her arrest.

The Supreme Court refused to hear a case brought by Free the Nipple feminists who opposed a local ordinance that bans women from exposing their breasts in public. Talk about double standards. Irony is banning the exposure of boobs but airing the Impeachment trial on live television.

Mitch McConnell received the Articles of Impeachment delivered across the Capitol by seven lawmakers representing the House Democrats. Americans have endured months of impeachment hearings and four weeks of delay and all we’ve learned is one thing. Ukraine has good phone service.

Nancy Pelosi signed the Articles of Impeachment with a great flourish and high ceremony on Wednesday and had the document marched over to the Senate Chamber. Pelosi also selected her impeachment case managers. They’re Jack Daniels, Jim Beam and Johnny Walker, two cases of each.

President Trump signed a huge trade deal with China in a ceremony televised live in the White House Wednesday. Balancing the books will take years. The Chinese hold so many U.S. Treasury Bonds that the note inside every fortune cookie in America reads This Is an Attempt to Collect a Debt.

Senator Bernie Sanders denied during the presidential debate in Iowa Wednesday that he had ever told Elizabeth Warren that a woman could get elected president as she’s claiming. After the debate, Warren refused to shake Bernie’s hand. To be fair, she also refused to pull Joe Biden’s finger.

Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Liz Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Mayor Pete and billionaire Tom Steyer qualified for the presidential debate in Iowa. The left is furious that no minorities were on the stage. The candidates were so white, they nominated each other for Academy Awards out of habit.

Daily Variety reports Pauly Shore, whom I’ve known and loved since he was six, just sold his home in West Hollywood for ten million dollars. And it’s all profit. The comedian has no wife, no ex-wife, no kids, and at Beverly High, he was voted Least Likely to Ever Have College Loan Payments.

Harvey Weinstein’s trial in New York could be followed by one in L.A. with a total of eighty female accusers testifying. It’s impressive. One veteran industry reporter talking off-the-record characterized Harvey Weinstein as the biggest sociopath in Hollywood, and that’s saying something.

Cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar’s brother Roberto introduced a foldable smart phone for sale at a Moscow electronics show. He’s said to be legit. A lot of people In Hollywood are willing to pay the three hundred fifty dollars for Escobar’s foldable phone just to sample the crack in the screen.

The Houston Astros fired manager A.J. Hinch and General Manager Jeff Luhnow after they were suspended by MLB. The two used electronic equipment to swipe catchers’ signs during the World Series. They were immediately hired by the New England Patriots to steal the next Super Bowl.

Major League Baseball fans expressed anger over the Houston Astros cheating scandal. They used a long distance camera to steal catcher’s signs and tip off the hitter what the next pitch will be. In Iran, Soleimano’s successor just ordered this camera so he’ll know where the next strike is coming.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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