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Wed, Feb. 19

Hamilton: Another funny look back at 2019

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

Here’s some more of the Year in Jokes:


Joe Scarborough ripped the Democratic candidates for their debate performances Friday for wandering so far left they are being mocked. There’s a new debates drinking game that’s sweeping the nation. Every time a candidate offers a free government program, you drink somebody else’s beer.

Wall Street billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was arraigned in Manhattan on two counts of engaging in sex with underage teenage girls. He’s famous. Next week, CNBC plans to run a documentary about Epstein’s entire life, from his days on the playground all the way to his days on the playground.

Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” opens soon about life in Hollywood in the world-changing year of 1969. The movie meticulously details the music, the cars, even the fast-food restaurants of the era. I can remember when Orange Julius was a drink, now it’s the president.

Framing John DeLorean is a film about the maker of the DeLorean car made famous in “Back to the Future.” The FBI taped him trafficking cocaine to raise cash in 1983. The movie includes a clip of me performing a joke on Carson congratulating DeLorean for being named Dealer of the Year.

Queen Elizabeth asked Conservative Party leader Boris Johnson to form a new government as prime minister Wednesday. The swaggering Tory has been a sentimental favorite in the U.S. to wind up in Ten Downing Street. Boris Johnson is the first Western leader nicknamed BJ since Bill Clinton.

Facebook introduced Faceapp in which you submit your photograph, then it shows you what you will look like in 10 years. It has swept social media like wildfire. The Faceapp has become very popular with Millennials because they all want to see what they’ll look like when they’re Republicans.


The Weather Channel reported the nation is in the grip of a brutal heat wave that extends from the Desert Southwest all the way up to New England. There’s no relief in sight. Today it’s so hot in downtown Los Angeles that junkies are putting the copper wiring back into the air conditioners.

President Trump cited progress in the war on ISIS and Al-Qaeda in the Mideast Thursday and success in wiping out their leadership. Trump acknowledged press reports that Osama bin Laden’s son Hamzi bin Laden has been killed by U.S. forces. He will be laid to rest in the family ocean.

Joe Biden went hilariously off the rails again Friday, declaring that poor kids are just as smart and just as talented as white kids. It gave me doubts about Joe’s electability. But when he added that retards are just as gay as them queers, I knew that this could be a man on his way to the White House.

Jeffrey Epstein was found dead with a rope around his neck in jail on Saturday. His upcoming testimony about trafficking underage teen girls could have ruined many politicians had he not died before his trial. And you said the two political parties could never work together to get anything done.

The New York Times editor called off his reporters on the Russian collusion story and ordered them to paint the president as a racist. That’s a tough label to shake. When Trump expressed interest in buying Greenland last week, Greenland tried to dissuade him by changing its name to Black Neighborhood.

Willie Nelson announced Tuesday he has to cancel his upcoming tour of the United States and Canada due to his recently-developed breathing problems. He’ll be well in no time. To speed the healing process, Willie switched from smoking recreational marijuana to smoking medical marijuana.

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