Hamilton: Common sense approach to the coronavirus

BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Rolling Stones website announced that the group’s 2020 North American tour will begin in San Diego’s baseball stadium in May. They should be guarded by the CDC. If the Corona Virus gets into the dressing room and infects Keith Richards, the virus could mutate and live forever.

The Centers for Disease Control suggested families take common sense precautions against any Corona Virus danger. Costco is now selling a Doomsday Kit that will feed a typical family for a year. WalMart sells the exact same kit, but it only feeds a typical WalMart family for six days.

National Health Institute reminded Americans there were other health emergencies facing the nation besides Corona Virus this week. In Jacksonville, monkeys who are infected with the herpes virus are now running wild in packs all over town, and officials warn they aren’t friendly. Thank God.

The NFL announced the pre-season workouts may begin the first week of April for teams with new coaches and the third week in April for other clubs. Also, after forty years the Buffalo Bills will allow a player to wear O.J. Simpson’s old uniform number. That number of course was 694-703-6.

National Pancake Day was marked at the International House of Pancakes Tuesday the same day Christians celebrate Shrove Tuesday. IHOP celebrates this day each year by giving out free pancakes and syrup. Many IHOP regular customers actually DO hop after they lose a foot to diabetes.

The South Carolina primary was Biden’s task to stop Bernie Sanders Saturday. Biden told his victory rally crowd if you’re paddling a canoe upstream and the wheels come off, how many pancakes can you fit into a doghouse? He said the answer is no because ice cream doesn’t have any bones in it.

The White House moved to calm both public and market fears about the possible spread of the Corona Virus in the U.S. It was swiftly politicized. The stock market fell three thousand points in three days Thursday, prompting Obama to declare that four days ago was the last day of his economy.

The London Daily Mail published a map of the world Tuesday showing that the Corona Virus spread to every continent in only six weeks. That’s impressive. Experts say the Corona Virus is now the quickest-spreading viral agent from Asia ever, beating the previous record set by Gangham Style.

The New York Stock Exchange fell three thousand points in three days last week. The reasons are debatable. Analysts say investors fear Bernie Sanders more than they do Corona Virus because, although Corona Virus may kill you, being dead won’t stop you from voting Democrat this November.

Nancy Pelosi signaled Thursday for partisan opposition to Trump’s handling of the Corona Virus. Hillary Clinton quickly came up with a plan to deal with the virus. Hillary would bleach it and pound it with a hammer, and if that doesn’t delete the Corona Virus, she will have it hang itself.

President Trump hosted a press conference Wednesday to introduce the U.S. scientists battling the Corona Virus and to name Mike Pence in charge of the effort. Pence is the perfect choice to battle this virus due to his experience. He has been quarantining himself against women all his life.

New Scientist reports a woman in Pennsylvania can drink water and urinate alcohol due to yeast in her bladder. It’s called Bladder Fermentation Syndrome. New Scientist could be sued for either revealing the formula for Coors Light or exposing the production process for Busch Beer.

Harvey Weinstein entered the courthouse in N.Y. hunched over his walker Monday to hear the jury’s guilty verdict read out loud. Guards took him straight to the court jail. The good news for Harvey when he goes to prison is, he’s ugly, the bad news is, he’s going into prison already bent over.

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