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Mon, Sept. 16

Hamilton: Cocaine washes up on Florida beach, turtles miss plastic straws

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Hurricane Dorian washed ashore 16 bricks of cocaine worth over $400,000 sealed inside delivery packets onto the beach in Florida on Tuesday. West Hollywood never gets hurricanes but they all want one now. You can bet the sea turtles are missing those plastic straws.

The National Weather Service explained that a high pressure ridge slowed down the hurricane, keeping it just offshore from Florida. Many grumbled about a false alarm. Floridians are starting to believe that hurricane warnings are just a way for Home Depot to clear out all their excess inventory.

Bernie Sanders weaved Hurricane Dorian into his stump speech Tuesday. He loves to freshen up his act with new jokes. Bernie warned that Dorian is proof that climate change is a clear and present danger, and who’d know better than the only man who has lived through the last two Ice Ages.

Elizabeth Warren promised a huge investment in American highways, bridges and city streets in urban areas. Dilapidation just invites crime. An Auto Club motorist survey says the worst city to drive around in is Detroit, mostly because if you are driving around Detroit it means you’re in Detroit.

Joe Biden startled his audience in New Hampshire Wednesday by going onstage with his left eye completely red from a busted blood vessel.

It was a nice diversion from his usual forgetfulness. Joe Biden’s memory is getting so bad lately that I’m pretty sure he could plan his own surprise party.

WalMart solemnly discontinued the sale of certain ammunition, intending to stop these mass shootings staged by deranged individuals. The virtue-signaling gets even better. Not to be outdone, Target announced they will discontinue the sale of auto parts in order to put an end to car accidents.

WalMart cut ammunition sales and asked you not to come to the store armed, drawing media praise. What is it about the Wild West that Easterners don’t understand? So many people get shot in Texas and Chicago you’d have to get shot somewhere else to become a rap star with any street cred.

The San Francisco City Council passed a resolution Wednesday labeling the National Rifle Association a domestic terrorist organization. Despite all the protests from the anti-gun crowd, NRA membership keeps growing. Most adults join so their kids can get into one of the better militias.

The Justice Department warned Monday it will fight corporate mergers and acquisition which stifle competition. The oddest new coupling occurred last week when Hasbro Toys bought Death Row Records. Now we all have to worry about Mr. Potato Head when Snoop Dogg gets the munchies.

Sacramento narcotics agents report no let-up in illicit drug trafficking in California despite the legalization of marijuana. Last week, a McDonald’s employee was arrested for selling drugs at the drive-thru window. Audio tapes revealed hundreds of orders for hash browns, hold the browns.

New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez continued to urge her constituents in the Bronx to grow ethnically correct vegetables in their urban gardens. Urban gardens are very unpopular in downtown Los Angeles. There are too many complaints from crack heads with allergies.

The Department of Education vowed to improve public school performance after dismally low college test scores. Scholastic standards were much stricter when we Baby Boomers were in school. One morning, a high school friend of mine died during Health Class and he received an automatic F.

Pope Francis said he’s proud to be criticized by conservative American Catholics angry over his liberal policies and profligate spending. The pope is asking Vatican officials for suggestions to shrink what he called the ballooning budget. For starters they could stop using sheepskin condoms.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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