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Mon, Nov. 18

Williams: It’s time to strap one on, men

Until this column, there haven’t been a lot of men’s fashion breakthroughs to talk about in the past, say, 57 years. Make that 58 years. But that’s about to change.

Gentlemen looking to tune up their wardrobe in the modern age can focus on a “goth spin on glam,” as one trend reporter put it, with KISS-influenced platform shoes and skintight black jeans, or they can look like men by combining ultimate functionality with a truly masculine look.

Neighbor Luiz and I have come up with the fashion accessory that every real man will want — the brand new and revolutionary He-Harness.

Ever find yourself out in society without the proper tools to meet life’s challenges?

Never again be caught staring at a 28-ounce can of Bush’s Best Maple Cured Baked Beans in the face without a can opener or a fork to enjoy it. Or a napkin. Or an adult beverage within easy reach.

Here in Arizona, you don’t need to become a victim of bears, wolves or coyotes just because you strayed several miles into the wild without the proper weaponry to protect yourself.

Yes, the He-Harness solves these dilemmas with a satisfying realization that you’re livin’ large, man.

You ask, “Just what is the He-Harness?” Well, my friends, the He-Harness begins with the basic Sam Brown belt popular with police and military officers. The groundbreaking He-Harness is a wide, black leather belt supported by a narrower strap passing diagonally over the right shoulder. But that’s where the conceivable overpowers the conventional. Not only does the He-Harness accommodate your flashlight, keys, OC spray, baton, Taser, handcuffs, duty weapon and extra ammunition, it also offers a complete system of clips, hooks, D-rings and fastening hardware for the many other necessities of the Renaissance male.

Now, you can accept any invitation for adventure from your more manly friends because you know your He-Harness stands ready for the challenge.

Want to take along your pen and pad stationery set? The He-Harness comes with a clip system designed to secure your pens, writing paper, envelopes and stamps. But if you’re more digital age, there’s even a securing hook to carry along your laptop.

How about replacement batteries? Not to worry. Just reach down and select the battery you need from your custom He-Harness battery organizer.

But what if you need mechanical repairs on the trail? No biggie. At the rear of your He-Harness hangs a tool kit complete with a hammer, wrenches, screwdrivers and other fix-it stuff. Your emergency tool kit is supplemented with a 5-in-1 whistle, an N95 dust mask, a 50-foot rope, safety goggles, a sewing kit, work gloves and duct tape.

Next to your tool kit is a first-aid kit with bandages and medications for snake bite, bee stings, poison ivy rashes and razor burns. There is also a selection of slings and stabilizing devices to set broken bones.

A fully-stocked He-Harness as described above weighs just short of 94 pounds. It also comes with a free exercise pamphlet explaining how to strengthen your quadriceps, hamstrings and glutes so you can carry your belt and everything you need without screaming like a wuss.

Cost for the He-Harness is only 37 payments of $19.95, a paltry expense for the man who lives life to the fullest.

Neighbor Luiz and I aren’t quite into production yet on the He-Harness. We’re looking for just the right production facility and office space. We’re thinking something around 300,000 square feet might work until we really ramp up the business.

To comment on this column or to order your very own He-Harness, email wilaugust46@gmail.com.

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