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Sat, Dec. 07

Hamilton: South Dakota is ‘on it’ when it comes to fighting meth

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

San Francisco’s new District Attorney declared he will allow the residents of San Francisco to pee anywhere they like any time they like without any fear of being prosecuted. It always starts in San Francisco. Other towns statewide are sure to follow suit, making California the Golden Shower State.

South Dakota just paid a PR firm five hundred grand for a catchy billboard slogan for its fight against meth. I can’t believe it, but the slogan is Meth: We’re On It.

South Dakota farmers have learned that when diesel gas hits $4 a gallon, it’s cheaper to do meth and plow bare-handed.

Colin Kaepernick scheduled a quarterback workout for NFL scouts to view him Saturday but that day he switched the rules and the locale and it all fell through. I once had a job interview at McDonald’s, but at the last minute I told them to meet me at Popeye’s. The racists wouldn’t hire me!

GOP operative Roger Stone, the famous campaign dirty trickster with a tattoo of Nixon on his back, was found guilty of lying to Congress and witness tampering. There was great rejoicing in the House. It took forty-five years, but with Stone’s tattoo, the Democrats finally have Nixon in jail.

USA Today published a report about the high rate of vacated homes in the Rust Belt in a story titled America’s Ghost Towns. It’s worst in some Michigan communities. Last month, a guy paid only $800 for a house in Flint, and that was just because the cocaine was still inside.

Prince Andrew’s media advisor resigned in protest Sunday over Andrew’s decision to grant an interview to the BBC about his friendship with Jeffrey Epstein and the underage girls. He did not acquit himself well. The interview was easily the second-worst car crash the Royals ever arranged.

The White House reported that President Trump scheduled a signing ceremony at the White House where he will sign a bill into law that bans torture and animal cruelty of any kind. We all know what this means. Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer and Adam Schiff now support animal cruelty.

The Lyndon B. Johnson Liberty and Justice for All Award will be presented to Nancy Pelosi this year at the LBJ Library in Austin. It’s in honor of Lyndon Johnson, the archetypal Texan. He wore cowboy boots that were made out of lawyer skin, and they cost $200 an hour.

President Trump made news Saturday when his presidential motorcade whisked him to Walter Reed Hospital in Washington, D.C., for an unscheduled physical examination. The doctors admit they are amazed at his good health considering his diet. Who knew that Ranch dressing was a blood type?

The Vatican newspaper confirmed Monday that Pope Francis is considering adding ecological sin to the church’s teachings and admonishments for Catholics. I can see the Vatican’s thinking on this. If they can turn the priests into tree huggers maybe they will start leaving the altar boys alone.

The California Water Resources Board advised state residents to conserve water this winter, as no one knows when the next periodic drought is going to hit. In California there is now a $500 fine if you waste water. In Los Angeles, wasting water means washing a domestic car.

The World Health Organization issued a warning from the UN Monday that Ebola is breaking out all over Central Africa again. The Congo’s president said he hopes the Ebola outbreak in the Congo ends soon. People there say he might have more luck by adopting a more scientific approach.

National Geographic reported two gay penguins at a zoo in Amsterdam stole an egg from a female to try to become dads. It points to how the gay lifestyle is now out in the open, and it’s no big deal. I’m old enough to remember when men could only come out of the closet by marrying Liza Minnelli.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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