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Tue, Oct. 22

Hamilton: How did Kraft get so rich? Two happy endings for $79

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft won a ruling from his Florida judge that blocked airing a video of him receiving oral sex from an Asian prostitute, leading to a likely dismissal of all charges. So how did Kraft get to be so rich? Two happy endings for $79 dollars is one reason.

NBA officials expressed concerned over the low TV ratings for this year’s playoffs. The league clearly needs a new generation of stars with mass appeal. The NBA slated June 20 as the date for the annual NBA College Player Draft, or as the Kardashians call it, the Home Shopping Network.

The Wall Street Journal reported Tuesday that Taco Bell is going to open a Taco Bell-themed hotel and resort in Palm Springs. Let’s guess the rest. To stay on brand, the hotel will be staffed by stoned 16-year-olds and managed by a 45-year-old divorced guy who regrets his decisions.

Alabama’s new Right to Life law bans any abortion on a fetus that has a discernible heartbeat, which usually occurs at six weeks. It’s not easy to joke about. I believe that life begins at conception, but I also believe we don’t become a fully-formed morons until we enter the voting booth.

Vice President Mike Pence expressed his happiness over the new law in Alabama, which makes it virtually impossible for a pregnant woman to get an abortion in the state. He’s an intensely devout evangelical Christian. The last time Mike Pence had a colonoscopy, he went to confession afterwards.

The SAT test will include an Adversity Score to determine a student’s socio-economic background and have that factor into their college eligibility. Everyone wants it to be fair to the disadvantaged. The test will ask students if their mother was the lead on a hit TV series or simply a supporting actress.

President Trump released financial records showing he made $257 million last year. The Obamas made $140 million from book royalties and deals with Netflix.

Richard Nixon once famously said he was not a crook, and he’s wasn’t, by today’s standards.

Trump blamed the declining revenue at the Trump Hotel in Chicago on the business travelers’ perceived fear of street violence. It’s totally unfounded. Last weekend Chicago had 60 shootings resulting in only six deaths, so you’ve got nine chances in 10 of it only being a flesh wound.

Trump said Thursday he does not want a war with Iran as warships steamed toward Iran. The White House claimed the USS Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier group isn’t sailing into the Persian Gulf to provoke a war. We go back there every year at this time for Fan Appreciation Day.

Fox News reported a poll Thursday that showed that the No. 1 priority of Democratic voters is to defeat Trump. Policies must take a back seat. Democrats believe as an article of faith that marijuana gives you the munchies, cocaine gives you the thirsties and Trump gives you the Nazis.

Joe Biden flew into Los Angeles last week where he raised a million dollars from Democratic power players in the entertainment industry. If you live in Beverly Hills, it really doesn’t matter if you adopt a dog or host a fundraiser for a presidential candidate. Either way, your carpet gets ruined.

Biden’s campaign aides urged him to limit the length of his speeches to save his voice for the campaign ahead. Like Trump and Bernie, Joe can stand up there and talk forever. During his last speech, Biden was interrupted 39 times by applause and three times for bathroom breaks.

New York City Mayor Bill De Blasio joined the presidential race Thursday competing with the other socialist, Bernie Sanders. A victory by either of these two candidates would produce a real nightmare in my racket. Jokes about socialism aren’t funny unless the government says they’re funny.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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