Hamilton: Gluten-free loaves? Lord help us
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The History Channel will air a four-part series on the life of Jesus. I’m glad he lived when he did. If Jesus offered to feed the 5,000 with six loaves of bread and 12 fishes today, the crowd would demand to know if the bread was gluten-free and if the fish had been tested for mercury.
President Trump will welcome the Stanley Cup champion Washington Capitals to the White House. They plan to give him a Capitals jersey, pads, pants, a hockey stick and skates. From now on whenever Democrats accuse Trump of playing the white man’s game, he can be dressed for action.
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft and his lawyers agreed to a plea settlement with the district attorney in Jupiter, Florida on Wednesday. Kraft has been offered a deal in his prostitution solicitation case. It’s not nearly as good as the deal Bob made that got him in trouble in the first place.
The New York Post says Gambino boss Franky Boy Cali’s murder wasn’t a Mafia hit. He was run over twice and then filled with bullets. It turns out the young killer was angry at Franky because he wouldn’t let him date his niece, which in hindsight shows that he was probably making the right call.
President Trump signed an executive order on Thursday requiring that universities allow free speech on campus. Student opinion is split along predictable lines. Polls show only 40 percent of college students support free speech, while 60 percent think that the government should pay for it.
The White House is reported be preparing to propose to Congress a cap on the amount of loan debt that one student can incur for college. That’s a very sound idea. Students should not have to go into debt more than the $400,000 they need to bribe their way into a good school.
Beto O’Rourke declared he wants Democratic voters on the campaign trail to help him shape his message rather than come up with his own ideas. It’s working. In 24 hours, O’Rourke raised $6 million, and then like magic, his kids received acceptance letters to USC.
The London Daily Mail reports that Janet Jackson demanded that her name be raised higher on a poster and the marquee promoting the Glastonbury Music Festival in England. After all, she wouldn’t want a Jackson down among the little people. That’s what got her brother in trouble.
California lawmakers in Sacramento are set to pass a bill cracking down on products made of plastic. The concern for sea life is driving this. Marine biologists in Santa Monica Bay just found 50 plastic cups inside the stomach of a dead whale who obviously had a drinking problem.
Vladimir Putin hosted a signing ceremony in the Kremlin on Thursday where he signed into law a censorship bill that bans fake news on the Internet and outlaws slander against the government. In other words Russian comics can’t tell jokes about Putin. Great, now Putin’s colluding with Obama.
Italy’s government declared they are being overwhelmed by refugees sailing over from North Africa across the Mediterranean. One boatload of men arrived Tuesday saying they had lost their women and children during the voyage. Luckily they were able to save their smart phones and cigarettes.
The Miami Herald said brawls broke out among inebriated college students in Miami Beach. Spring break gives students who binge-drink in Wisconsin time off to binge drink in Florida. It’s the College Combine for young men training to be drafted by the nation’s leading rehabs; as a matter of fact, I’m proud to say I was drafted No. 1 by the Betty Ford Center in the fall of ’86.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.