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Sun, Aug. 18

Williams: The mystery of National Popcorn Day

This column is truly a rant of the most energetic proportions. I’m outraged that as a popcorn enthusiast also of the most energetic proportions, I didn’t know there was a National Popcorn Day until I heard about it on the radio.

The Popcorn Board — a real organization — isn’t sure of its date that is sometimes recognized as Jan. 19. What?

According to the Board, National Popcorn Day can also occur on the day of the “big game,” although no one really knows which “big game” they’re talking about.

As a disturbing aside, the Popcorn Board also doesn’t know how or when National Popcorn Day was first memorialized. I would point out that the Popcorn Board seems to be spectacularly uninformed about the observance of their own franchise product, but maybe I’ve already made that perfectly clear.

I think it’s instructive to know that the board was formed in April 1998 by an Act of Congress at the request of the popcorn processing industry. Now that I know Congress was involved in the whole thing, the mystery of too few details becomes all too apparent. Although I love popcorn, if Congress weren’t busy setting up national recognition days for seeds, maybe it could figure out, I don’t know, our national immigration policy?

Not only is there a great deal of controversy about the date of popcorn’s greatest day, but I just found out that October is officially dubbed National Popcorn Poppin’ Month. Why would any self-respecting crowd designate one month for recognizing its seed of choice and then, again, for one day three months later? By the way, if you actually know the history of National Popcorn Day, you are asked to share your wisdom by emailing: edu@popcorn.org.

Seriously?

There are four types of corn: sweet, flint, field and popcorn. As far as I know, popcorn is the only variety that’s dangerous to harvest since one never knows when it will explode.

On the other hand, popcorn is a healthy grain food. It’s also GMO and gluten-free, low fat, low calorie, sugar-free and will not cause cancer…unless, I suppose, you find a way to smoke, snort or inject it.

There is absolutely no evidence to show that popcorn consumption causes hives, jaundice or hair frizzies. And here’s breaking news, sitting on popcorn will not cause hemorrhoids, according to a recent study by SOPFAD (the Sit-On-Popcorn-For-A-Day Coalition). Incidentally, don’t rely on this column for any worthwhile medical advice even if it doesn’t involve popcorn.

If you need ideas for partying with popcorn, you can string it and hang it outside for birds to feed upon. It might be more fun to throw it at the birds and at your neighbors across the street. And at Mrs. Schmidt next door if she isn’t wearing her running shoes.

You can also play popcorn ice hockey. All you need are straws to blow the kernels or you can coffee stirrers as paddles. Oh, and a 20,000-seat ice hockey rink that isn’t being used by people more serious about their sport than you are.

Popcorn was, allegedly, discovered right here in America thousands of years ago. And that seems to be the sum of history of all that is known about this ingenious little yellow growth that can detonate without warning.

To comment on this column or to provide further details about popcorn — which are needed with an urgency of the most energetic proportions, email wilaugust46@gmail.com.

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