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Wed, Oct. 16

Williams: I could be a spokesman, too!
One Man’s Rant

I wish to announce that I am available to be a spokesman for a national TV advertising campaign. For one thing, I can fake sincerity as well as anyone — even Tom Selleck who does TV ads for AAG (American Advisors Group) Reverse Mortgages. I don’t have his chin, but I’d be willing to work for half what he probably makes in that campaign. So, AAG, just how much is Tom’s chin worth? Let’s ink the deal!

Recently, Dana Elaine Owens, known professionally as Queen Latifah, has been promoting Cigna Health by suggesting that we should open up with our doctors about things that stress us out. What stresses me out is an advertiser who pays big bucks for a celebrity voice when I’m sitting here in my Barcalounger more than willing to do the same work for half price. Let’s set up a meeting!

I’ve talked before about Jered Fogle, who made approximately $15 million a year as the spokes-sandwich for Subway. Well, he made that much until he was sentenced to 15 years in prison for child sex misbehavior. Listen, Subway, I have some time on my hands — and no convictions on my record! I’ll hawk your Cold Cut Combo and your Veggie “Delites” for half what you were paying Jered. I’m waiting for your call!

And what’s with Nigel the owl who sells Xyzal Allergy Treatment? This bird brain dresses in an ugly dinner jacket and an unspeakable blue and orange bow tie, not to mention that silly monocle of his, for God’s sake — and he pulls down a bundle of bucks for speaking a few sentences in English? In fact, I doubt he can spit out even one intelligible word in English. It’s all lip syncing, or beak syncing. I’m offering to appear in reasonable clothing while holding a box of this Xyzal stuff — for half his paycheck. This is a limited time offer!

As if Nigel isn’t embarrassing enough, TripAdvisor ads feature an owl in a bathrobe. I don’t buy any products from someone in a bathrobe. I’m becoming so emotional here I hesitate to mention the cockney-sounding, pants-less gecko who sells insurance. Apparently, Maxwell the Pig failed as their spokes-porcine (who didn’t wear pants either), so naturally, Geico thought a foreign lizard could do better? People, how about hiring a fully-clothed, American geezer to traffic your goods? I’m available cheap!

How much do those Clydesdale horses make working for Budweiser? I’d pull just about anything for a fat compensation package. Remember when lizard Louie conspired against the Budweiser frogs in the 1980s? What do any of them know about beer? Hey Budweiser, I can out-perform any reptile or amphibian when it comes to beer. Let’s talk!

Seventeen years ago, Bush’s Beans brought in its golden retriever, Duke, to be the spokes-dog for the company. When he didn’t work out, management had to hire a professional dog actor to fill the position. I love Bush Beans. Like Marlon Brando in the movie On the Waterfront: “I coulda been a contenda” for this most important ad slot.

I was lunching with neighbor Luiz the other day. I complained about all the celebrities and animals with high-paying ad gigs on TV. He suggested that I probably would have to start at the bottom and work my way up — by beginning with a product like Preparation H.

I recently dismissed Luiz as my spiritual advisor. As of this week, he is also no longer my business counselor.

To comment on this column, or to offer me a multi-million-dollar deal selling something, email

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