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Wed, Sept. 18

Hamilton: Mueller testimony fails to make splash

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Robert Mueller drew disappointed reviews from Democrats for his testimony before Congress on Wednesday. His murkiness won’t get Trump impeached. The Democrats’ strategy of having Mueller testify in Congress worked out about as well as the prosecution’s decision to have O.J. try on the glove.

The Comedy Store marked the birth date of our legendary founder Mitzi Shore on Friday; she gave me a stage to perform as a stand-up comedian. I’ve learned in 43 years that sometimes the jokes write themselves. Last week, the head of Planned Parenthood was forced out after eight months.

West Hollywood residents all received a Co-Exist T-shirt in the U.S. mail Thursday from a new restaurant on Santa Monica Boulevard. I wore it outside Tuesday during L.A.’s first summer heat wave and I’ve learned one thing. These mosquitoes have a complete disregard for my Co-Exist T-shirt.

Politico reported the jailed billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s case is set to blow sky-high when pre-trial discovery reveals all the big politicians who cavorted with Epstein and his girls. It’s grim. Epstein tried to commit suicide on Wednesday, so the Clintons must be getting nervous.

Rap star R. Kelly was ordered jailed without bail after federal agents arrested him in Chicago for sex trafficking and flew him to New York. Everyone’s abandoning his ship. R. Kelly’s crisis manager stepped down Wednesday, mostly because he realized there are only so many hours in a day.

Boris Johnson’ ascendency to prime minister bodes well for the UK Special Relationship with the U.S. After 230 years, we have a class system that rivals England’s. Only in America do the rich and famous starve themselves to death and the poor weigh 400 pounds.

India’s space agency announced Tuesday it has launched a space module that’s scheduled to land on the surface of the moon in early September. In today’s world, it’s first things first. Once India successfully lands on the moon, they will move on to their next project, a working sewage system.

Mueller’s mental decline was apparent to all during his testimony Wednesday about the Mueller Report. Democrats knew they were in for a long day after the first question. Committee Chairman Adam Schiff asked Mueller to state his name and Mueller asked, what page is that on?

Mueller during Wednesday’s testimony said that he’d been appointed a U.S. attorney by President George H.W. Bush. Actually it was Reagan who appointed him. For two years Mueller’s been trying to nail somebody for lying under oath, and it looks like he’s finally got his man.

Mueller’s House testimony fell flat before CNN viewers anxious to watch a fireworks show. CNN follows up on the Mueller nod-off with two nights of twenty Democratic presidential candidates debating. Ambien is threatening a lawsuit for taking away their market for sleeping pills.

The Democratic candidates quickly weighed in after Mueller’s testimony Wednesday. Bernie Sanders said Mueller proved Trump committed obstruction of justice, and Elizabeth Warren said Mueller showed how Trump colluded with Russia. Joe Biden challenged Mueller to a sit-up contest.

National Geographic commissioned a study about the competition between human beings and animals in the jungles of Africa, South America and India for the food that’s available. The study found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. I cannot remember the last time I ate a monkey.

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