Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Fri, July 19

Hamilton: Earthquake aftershocks knock Arnold off his maid

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Los Angeles withstood 2,000 aftershocks over the weekend from the two earthquakes that hit last weekend. Brentwood was jolted so hard it knocked Arnold Schwarzenegger off his maid. The earthquakes that hit Hollywood were so powerful they nearly shook loose an original idea.

Cal Tech seismologists were quick to warn Southern Californians that last weekend’s quakes were not the expected Big One along the San Andreas Fault. These new earthquakes ran through a newly-discovered crack in the earth’s crust beneath the Central Valley. CNN named it Trump’s Fault.

Wall Street billionaire Jeffrey Epstein was arraigned in Manhattan on two counts of engaging in sex and sex trafficking with underage teenage girls. He needs an attorney right away to protect him. If the U.S. Attorney offers him 14 to 17 years, Epstein’s liable to take it out of habit.

Epstein’s indictment detailed years of flying underage girls between his homes in Palm Beach and New York. New York cops should have spotted Epstein sooner when he replaced the horn on his limo with ice cream truck music.

Epstein’s past donations to Democrats included a $4 million gift to jump-start the Clinton Global Initiative a decade and a half ago. This sex scandal feels far from over. Bill Clinton wagged his finger at reporters Monday and vowed that he did NOT fly on Jeffrey Epstein’s jet.

Clinton’s office issued a statement Monday saying he had no idea about Epstein’s crimes with underage girls. With a straight face, Bill says everyone behaved perfectly on their four private plane trips together. Epstein is so depraved that Clinton was his sober companion.

President Trump was recounting Colonial history in his Fourth of July address when he misread his Teleprompter and said the British seized America’s airports during the War of Independence. The air battles were the stuff of legend. My favorite movie about the American Revolution is “Top Gun”.

The U.S. Women’s Soccer Team won the World Cup Sunday, sparking a feminist cry to end the gender pay gap. I don’t think there is a pay gap against women here in Los Angeles. Any agent in Beverly Hills will tell you Caitlyn Jenner makes twice as much money as Bruce Jenner EVER did.

The U.S. Women’s World Cup team complained about a lack of respect for women’s soccer after winning the Cup. Where did they get that idea? Trump apologized for being two hours late tweeting his congratulations, but there was a “Smokey and the Bandit” marathon on TNT.

NBC News says a Minnesota company called Ideal Conceal just invented a two-shot pistol that folds up into a replica of a smart phone. The banks don’t like it at all. Far too many millennials can get out from under their student loan debts by getting drunk and taking a selfie with the wrong phone.

U.S. Customs says it needs more drug-sniffing dogs at airports to replace the dogs that are retiring. Last week at LAX, a newly-trained dog ate 4 grams of cocaine and 3 ounces of weed during its first night at work. Sounds like the first night at work for any door guy at the Comedy Store.

The Christian Science Monitor reported the oldest American celebrated her 114th birthday on Friday. There are two Americans at age 112, and one aged 111, and all four share one thing in common. They’re all running for re-election.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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