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Sun, May 19

Hamilton: Must celebrate Passover with Crackers present

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?        

The Comedy Store hosted a synagogue for our Very Jewish Christmas show Tuesday. Beverly Hills is where Jewish people live in Spanish houses, drive German cars and eat Chinese. And not to neglect Southerners, it’s against Jewish law to celebrate Passover without the presence of Crackers.

Psychology Today released a study showing people’s number-one fear is standing up in front of a group and talking. Don’t be shy at all. The next time you’re afraid to pitch an idea, remember that somebody once stood up at a meeting and said let’s make a movie about a tornado full of sharks.

Kevin Spacey released a video begging to return to House of Cards Monday. The same day he was charged with sexual assault on an underage boy. In my forty-two years in L.A., I’ve seen myself what cocaine does to people, and I have seen what fame does to people. I still can’t tell the difference.

It’s a Wonderful Life starring Jimmy Stewart was voted the number-one Christmas film of all time by Turner Classic Movies viewers. However, the film doesn’t spark my imagination like other Christmas stories. Being visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve is the closest I’ll ever get to an orgy.

Christmas Day arrived in West Hollywood with the U.S. Postal Service delivering packages all morning long. I was surprised to receive a package from someone I don’t know in Florida, despite all the abuse I heaped on crazy people in Florida this year. I’m no Sherlock, but it sounds like a clock.

The Wall Street Journal reports the Go Fund Me page to build Trump’s wall reached sixteen million dollars Monday. Meanwhile a Go Fund Me page to buy a ladder to get people over the wall reached one hundred fifty thousand dollars. How the hell high are they planning to build this thing?

First Lady Melania Trump flew down to Florida to spend the days leading up to Christmas at Mar-a-Lago. Due to government shutdown talks, President Trump decided to spend Christmas Eve alone in the White House. Not to be outwitted, Democrats had Santa Claus deliver him the subpoena.

President Trump manned NORAD’s Santa Claus hotline and asked a seven-year-old if he still believes in Santa, saying it’s marginal at seven. He can’t win. Republicans say he just ruined Christmas for a child, and Democrats say it’s funny the only thing Trump can tell the truth about is Santa Claus.

President Trump moved up Defense Secretary Jim Mattis’ departure two months to the first of the year on Monday. Mattis seems a little out of place in these times. Everyone in both parties in Washington agrees that James Mattis is a man of unquestioned honesty and integrity, so he had to go.

President Trump met with reporters on Christmas Day in the White House where he stood by his stand on shutting down the government until Congress funds a border barrier. Trump’s fans are urging him not to give an inch to the Democrats, which Stormy says is all he has to give anyway.

The American Medical Association reports that the number of people donating their bodies to medical schools is way up. Many medical schools say they’ve never before had more cadavers on hand. It sounds like Medicare patients have finally figured out a way to get doctors to look at them.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at


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