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Hamilton: Need to get to the hospital fast? Say something nice about Trump

Welcome to part 4 of our annual week in review of the past year, 2018 in jokes…

JULY

The Beverly Hills City Council is getting complaints that subway construction under Wilshire Boulevard could delay ambulance service to Cedars Sinai Hospital for the residents. You have to know the town. The fastest way to the hospital in Beverly Hills is to say something nice about Trump.

Variety predicts Artificial Intelligence will target-market advertising, programming and music to each consumer individually. It’s ominous where this all might lead. On the day that the machines rise up and attack the humans, I hope I’m nowhere near the dildo factory on Melrose and Larchmont.

John Lennon’s widow Yoko Ono announced in New York on Wednesday she’s going to record a new music album. Furthering the cause of world peace is the purpose of her album. Yoko said that if the world’s warring countries don’t get together and settle their differences, she’s going to release it.

Pepperidge Farms said Wednesday it’s taking their popular Goldfish Crackers off the grocery store shelves due to salmonella. It set off a mistaken jubilation in the media. When CNN first got word that the tainted orange cracker was being recalled, they thought they’d missed the impeachment.

The Weather Channel reports record heat is plaguing the U.S. due to a high-pressure ridge over the nation’s mid-section. In addition, Santa Ana breezes are baking the West Coast. This week, Southern California is so hot that residents in East L.A. are answering the door HOPING that it’s ICE.

The Sporting News ran an article about Major League Baseball marketing ploys and giveaway nights with bobble-head dolls, jerseys and bats to fill the stadium on slow nights. Tuesday there were a record fifty thousand Cubs fans packed into Wrigley Field in Chicago. It was Free Handgun Night.

Petco conducted a national survey to determine if Millennials prefer dogs or cats as pets and found that sixty percent prefer dogs and forty percent say cats. Here’s some advice from the Baby Boomers. A dog is man’s best friend, but a cat will never lead the cops to where you hid your cocaine.

AUGUST

Michael Cohen claimed he decided to rat out Trump’s payments to women after watching him toast Putin in Helsinki in July. What Trump needed all along was a fixer capable of silencing all the women with whom he had extramarital affairs. Instead of defeating Hillary, he should have hired her.

Pew Research reported the U.S. now includes twenty million Asian-Americans with the highest income level and college test scores of any ethnicity. Their time has arrived. Crazy Rich Asians opened in L.A. on Friday and movie theater parking lots reported six hundred thirty-four car accidents.

Congress returns to work this week after an August recess capped off by the mourning of two American icons. It got a bit exhausting. I don’t want to say John McCain and Aretha Franklin’s funerals were too long, but when they come out on DVD, they’ll be available for three easy payments.

Stormy Daniels sued President Trump for defamation of character after he denied their affair and now a Playboy Playmate is suing Trump for silencing her story of their affair which she’d sold to the Enquirer, who buried it. How many hookers does it take to change a president? More than two.

Louie CK returned to standup comedy at New York after a self-imposed one-year exile. He was busted luring women friends to his hotel room and masturbating in front of them. They had thought they were coming to see a Steve Martin movie when he invited them up to his room to watch the Jerk.

European Union nations were reported Tuesday to be suffering a crime wave this summer in stolen goods, drug running and bank robberies. Earlier this week, somebody broke into a delivery truck in Belgium and stole two million dollars worth of Red Bull. How do these thieves sleep at night?

Come back Sunday for part 5 of the Year in Jokes!

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