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Tue, Feb. 18

Hamilton: The Year in Jokes from 2019

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody? Here’s a taste of of our annual Year in Jokes.

MARCH

The New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft was charged with hiring prostitutes at an Asian massage parlor in Florida. During his team’s post-Super Bowl scandal two years ago when they were accused of deflating footballs, Kraft stated that nobody played with his balls. Well, now there’s video.

The White House reported that President Trump underwent his annual physical examination at the Walter Reed Hospital over the weekend where physicians went over his body from stem to stern. Trump got there just in time. The proctologist found an entire House sub-committee up his ass.

New Orleans hosted thousands of revelers for the Mardi Gras parades in the French Quarter Tuesday. Back at OU, whenever the Sooners played in the Sugar Bowl, my fraternity brothers and I loved to party in the French Quarter. We learned never pick up a woman wearing a Super Bowl ring.

CBS This Morning sent Gayle King to Chicago to interview the troubled hip-hop star R. Kelly as he fights charges of statutory rape. He complained that he’s broke and admitted that he has a gambling problem in Las Vegas casinos. You know R. Kelly, always hitting on 16 and 17.

The Rolling Stones announced their U.S. Stadium Tour in April will include a show in the Rose Bowl as the Stones keep rolling indestructibly along. Last week, Keith Richards posted photos of himself looking very happy with his two young granddaughters. After they die, he inherits everything.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller was reported set to submit his report to the Attorney General on the Trump-Russia collusion investigation, with the House Democrats expressing worry that it may not produce a crime. Nancy Pelosi called off impeachment Monday. So see, you CAN blink on Botox.

APRIL

The American Heart Association will hold Heart Walks in cities to promote heart health. I was in Chicago the only time I ever thought I was having a heart attack when I experienced a shooting pain in my left arm. A doctor examined me, and sure enough, he told me I’d been shot in the left arm.

The University of Cambridge did a study of how excessive beer drinking limits your lifespan. It found that after drinking the recommended limit of five pints a week, every pint of beer you drink subtracts nine minutes off your life. Thus, according to my calculations I died on September 3rd, 1847.

Full House star Lori Loughlin learned Tuesday she faces more prison time for mail fraud and money laundering in bribing her daughter’s way into USC on a crew-team scholarship. That is bad news. The good news is, if they send Lori Loughlin up the river, her daughter can row her there.

Ukraine’s electing a comedian president has me thinking about running for president next year. Our last four U.S. presidents in order have admitted to smoking pot, alcohol abuse, cocaine use and womanizing. My message is that with Lord Hamilton, you get four presidents for the price of one.

President Trump plans to worship on Palm Sunday at Bethesda-by-the-Sea Episcopal Church in Palm Beach as Holy Week arrives. At my last Good Friday confession, I admitted to the rector that’s I’d killed a politician. He told me he was there to hear my sins, not my community service work.

    Manson Family member Dianne Lake told what it was like to be Charles Manson’s girlfriend back in 1967. She said he broke things off when he saw she was getting too emotionally attached. What does it say about L.A. women when Charles Manson is the voice of reason in the relationship?

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