Hamilton: Biden congratulates Kraft on his sex ring
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The New England Patriots open the defense of their Super Bowl title with the season-opening game against the Pittsburgh Steelers September 8th. Under owner Robert Kraft, the Patriots have won six Super Bowl rings. Last week, Joe Biden phoned Kraft and congratulated him on his sex ring.
The Charlotte Observer reported Thursday that NASCAR star Dale Earnhardt, Jr., and his family and friends are unhurt after Dale’s small airplane crashed after takeoff in North Carolina. They are so lucky. As the Earnhardts all know, the trickiest part of any airport runway is Turn Four.
President Trump enjoyed another huge rally in New Hampshire Thursday where he kicked off his campaign up in the Granite State. On his way to the rally, the president ordered the limo to pull into a local McDonald’s drive-thru. Trump ordered a Big Mac, a large order of fries and Greenland.
The New York Times editor called off his reporters on the Russian collusion story and ordered them to paint Trump as a racist. That’s a tough label to shake. When Trump expressed interest in buying Greenland last week, Greenland tried to dissuade him by changing its name to Black Neighborhood.
Jeffery Epstein’s death in his jail cell was officially ruled a suicide Friday after the New York Medical Examiner announced her findings to the public. The examiner ruled that the autopsy found the billionaire sex offender hanged himself. She also ruled the bullet holes in his head were irrelevant.
Jeffrey Epstein pimp Ghislaine Maxwell was spotted in L.A. Thursday where she fled reporters seeking to get her to name some names in the underage sex scandal. Ghislane could identify all the rich and powerful political men who participated in the orgies. Her suicide is scheduled for next week.
Attorney General William Barr launched a probe into how his most important prisoner, Jeffrey Epstein, wound up dead in federal custody. The problem is that everybody had a motive to knock him off. William Barr will get to the bottom of a carton of ice cream faster than he will to Epstein’s death.
West Hollywood shut down roads to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of New York’s Stonewall Bar uprising when a gay bar rioted again New York police, starting the Gay Pride movement. It’s changed our language. I can remember when LGBT meant a lettuce, guacamole, bacon, and tomato sandwich.
The Santa Monica City Council complained that drugs as well as plastic are polluting the Los Angeles channel. Thirteen hundred pounds of marijuana worth over a million dollars was found floating off the coast of Catalina Island Saturday. It’s just terrible, someone’s album is about to suck.
The Hong Kong pro-democracy protestors’ battle against the Chinese government police this past weekend resulted in calls for peace from the unlikeliest of sources. Of all countries, Germany has called for a peaceful solution in Hong Kong. And now, Michael Moore with a word for Slim-Fast.
The NFL says it will keep using facial recognition technology at the Super Bowl although it can be unreliable. In a recent test, facial recognition technology flagged twenty-six California lawmakers as criminals. Just as soon as they get the bugs worked out, the rest of the legislature will be identified.
Iowa Congressman Steve King on Thursday was quoted wondering out loud if there would be any population left without rape or incest. He’s also made some white-pride comments. If Steve King keeps saying things like this, he could get four-to-eight years as President Biden’s speechwriter.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.