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Sun, Sept. 22

Hamilton: God sent Trump to America because He ran out of locusts

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump campaigned in Pennsylvania on Monday while Bernie, Liz and Biden tore it up in Iowa. Both parties see the 2020 presidential election as something of a Holy War. The Republicans say God sent Trump to America and the Democrats say it’s because he ran out of locusts.

China’s government began massing troops just across the bridge from Hong Kong Monday as pro-democracy rioters shut down Hong Kong’s airport. The protestors were waving American flags and sang America’s national anthem. They’ll certainly never make it in the National Football League.

A Pan-American Games awards ceremony was marred Sunday by a U.S. medalist who protested what he called racism, mistreatment of immigrants. A white Olympic fencing champion took a knee during our national anthem. Big deal, swordfighters take a knee every day in West Hollywood.

Attorney General William Barr expressed his fury that Jeffrey Epstein died in federal custody Saturday morning in New York. Other jail inmates told TV reporters Monday they heard shouts and gagging from Epstein’s cell down the hall. I’d like to think he choked to death on Little Debbie’s.

Fox News reported Monday that Jeffrey Epstein may have installed a secret videotaping system at his estate in the Virgin Islands where he and his pals had orgies with underage teenage girls. Epstein’s accomplices must be terrified. They all know how the camera puts ten pounds on you.

The Kansas City Star reported Friday that the meth epidemic across the Midwest is escalating this year with more labs in operation than cops can bust. Last summer a Sonic Drive-In cook was arrested in Kansas for cooking meth at work. His defense was, it was the healthiest thing on the menu.

Mexico’s government reported Monday that more Americans moved to Mexico last year than Mexicans moved to the U.S. Mexico recently eliminated jail time for possession of marijuana and cocaine. They wanted to remain consistent with their no-jail time policy for murders and beheadings.

The Democratic presidential candidates campaigned all last week at the Iowa State Fair where the race behind Joe Biden began taking shape. The latest poll shows Elizabeth Warren has just passed Bernie Sanders in Iowa. Of course Liz passed Bernie, at his age he shouldn’t even be driving.

The Department of the Interior was reportedly tasked by the White House Wednesday to create a department more free-enterprise-friendly. That sounds nice. Up until now, if the U.S. government discovered oil or diamonds in your back yard, it was theirs, but if they discovered cocaine, it’s yours.

The Irish Times reported that parents in Ireland are upset there was a Scientology recruiting and information booth at the Dublin Comic Book Convention. The local Catholic hierarchy is said to be appalled. Scientology will never be taken seriously as a religion until they start molesting boys.

The London Daily Mail reported that the government in Iceland has decided to prepare both Iceland’s population and adjust Iceland’s economy to a future without ice due to global warming. The government even trademarked a brand-new name for their country. They’re going to call it Land.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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