Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Sun, Dec. 15

Hamilton: Writing senility joke as bathtub floods

HOLLYWOOD--God bless America, and how›s everybody?

 The Wall Street Journal reports that bankruptcies are on the rise across America this summer with many upscale lifestyles in jeopardy. One trait the Americans inherited from the British is the determination to keep up appearances. If I’m ever shot in a WalMart, please drag my body to Target.

The Hollywood Reporter says Paramount’s family movie Dora the Explorer and the Lost City of Gold finished fourth in the box office race last weekend. On Sunday, I saw Dora at the movie theater and she was hiding from Immigration. At least she no longer has to hide from Jeffrey Epstein.

Fox News interviewed a federal warden who said Jeffrey Epstein being given enough privacy to kill himself or get murdered is unexplainable. He’d partied with many powerful people he could destroy with his testimony. The guard assigned to watch Epstein died in a traffic accident tomorrow.

Billionaire pedophile Jeffery Epstein was pronounced dead Saturday after guards found him hanging in his cell with a rolled up bed sheet tied in a noose around his neck. It appears he was acting as his own lawyer. Epstein faced forty-five years in prison and settled for a suspended sentence.

Jeffrey Epstein’s body remained in a New York morgue Monday following his death. No one’s made funeral arrangements. In the closest thing to a memorial, Bill Clinton, Donald Trump and Prince Andrew took out a full page ad in Variety thanking Jeffrey Epstein for taking one for the team.

New York Metropolitan federal jail officials confirmed that Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide a day after he was visited in his cell by one of his lawyers. On Monday, two of Epstein’s attorneys each hired two more defense lawyers. Maybe Epstein made his money through multi-level marketing.

 Joe Biden started ad-libbing in Iowa, causing the world to gasp. When Joe said poor kids are just as smart as white kids, I had my doubts about his chances for election. But when Joe added that retards are just as gay as those queer ones, I knew that this was a man on his way to the White House.

President Trump responded to Joe Biden’s senior moments onstage Saturday by confiding to reporters that Joe is not playing with a full deck, which may play to his advantage. Thank God that Joe Biden’s memory is gone. It may be the only reason the Clintons and Obama haven’t killed him.

Democratic Socialist presidential candidate Bernie Sanders gave an interview to Rolling Stone magazine over the weekend. Bernie promised that if elected president, he will release to the public everything the U.S. government knows about extraterrestrials. He will then sign them up for Medicare.

A Southern California man last week went on a convenience store knifing rampage as he was robbing several convenience stores in Orange County. Brandishing his knife the guy stabbed four people to death and wounded two more. It sounds like the anti-gun message is finally getting through.

Denmark banks have begun offering negative interest rates where they pay you interest when the loan matures, just so they can handle your money in the meantime. It’s all over my head. Tom Selleck finally talked me into a reverse mortgage loan on TV and now my landlord wants to evict me.

American Heritage magazine ripped Baby Boomers as the most self-centered generation in U.S. history. Here’s an example. What bothers me is not racism, health care, or gun violence, what bothers me is that Friday I wrote a joke about Joe Biden’s senility while my bathtub was overflowing.

 Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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