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Sat, Jan. 18

Hamilton: Hollywood to produce transgender World War II movie

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Victoria’s Secret hired its first transgender catalogue model Friday, the same day Netflix added a transgender character to Rocko’s Modern Life. It’s mainstream now. Next, Hollywood plans to make a World War II movie about a combat hero who’s transgender called Changing Ryan’s Privates.

Joe Biden added to his poll lead Tuesday and I began identifying with his gaffes that I used to mock. Last night I sat at the laptop and wrote a joke about Joe’s fuzziness while my bathtub water was overflowing. As a kid, I never dreamed I’d grow up to be a complete idiot, but here I am, killing it.

Monica Lewinsky will be a producer of a series on FX called Impeachment. I read in Vanity Fair a few years ago that Monica was fired from her job as a surgeon’s assistant at London Hospital. My guess is that the doctor called for more suction and Monica disappeared under the operating table.

The Hollywood Reporter covered a public poetry reading by Oscar-winning actor Kevin Spacey. He was just cleared of all criminal charges after his arrest in Massachusetts for molesting an underage waiter. Kevin was in Rome to auction the phone number of his defense attorney to the highest bishop.

National Geographic reported Thursday that the bones of an ancient parrot were uncovered in New Zealand that was three feet tall and carnivorous. It prompted charges from the U.S. presidential candidates that all parrots are racist. They never ask for people of color, all they ever want is a cracker.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took video of the angry protestors on his front lawn in Kentucky Wednesday. The mob was threatening to kill him so he posted the video on Twitter. It was quickly flagged by Twitter and taken down because it violated Universal’s copyright on The Hunt.

Universal’s The Hunt sparked anger by Republicans because elites murder Trump supporters in the movie and anger by Democrats because the movie isn’t real. Hollywood sees it as one clear moral question. If you hunt down and shoot a Trump supporter how do you mount them in your den?

Universal Studio stands by its September release for The Hunt in which liberal elites decide to stage a game allowing them to hunt and kill Trump supporters for sport. Details of the movie’s plot spread like a wildfire in Hollywood. Suddenly, there’s bi-partisan support for the Second Amendment.

President Trump met with survivors, politicians and NRA folks searching for a solution to all the recent carnage. Well, suppose we just fan out? In the U.S. there are ten square miles per person, so it might be a good idea for Americans to take up their allotted space before the next mass shooting.

Hollywood celebrities Thursday demanded a nationwide boycott of Equinox gyms because the owner is a Trump fundraiser. In a hilarious rejoinder, Equinox reported a huge spike in new customers. Leave it to a president who lives on KFC and Big Macs to get the country exercising again.

USA Today covered the candidates at the Iowa State Fair Thursday where they got engaged in a bidding war. Liz called Trump a racist, then Biden called Trump a white supremacist, then Beto O’Rourke called Trump a Nazi. I think whoever calls him the anti-Christ first will get the nomination.President Trump saw his approval ratings actually rise after the shootings this week. His foes tried finishing him off with Russia, porn stars, Michael Cohen and racism and none of it stuck. If Trump had been the president in 1963, Lee Harvey Oswald would have killed himself loading the rifle.

Court TV announced it will re-run the entire 1994 O.J. Simpson murder trial. What a saga. If you’d told me twenty-six years ago that next year, a former USC All-American running back and NFL Hall of Famer would be accused of killing his wife, I’d have bet the farm it’d be Frank Gifford.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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