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Mon, May 20

Hamilton: Kavanaugh makes Americans want to return to British rule

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

Judge Brett Kavanaugh in his opening statement to his Senate confirmation hearing Tuesday said he is optimistic. Seventy protestors were immediately evicted. Anyone looking at the current political situation and declaring he’s optimistic is either insane or in favor of reverting to British rule.

President Trump spoke briefly with reporters on Labor Day while he was on his way out to the golf course. Trump was wearing his brand-new campaign cap with the Make America Great Again acronym MAGA replaced by a new logo that reads MFSA. It stands for Make Funerals Short Again.

NBC News was called out for its reluctance last year to out Harvey Weinstein’s Hollywood sex assaults. It hasn’t been a good year for shower sex. Last weekend a truck carrying a shipment of Axe Body Wash exploded on a Texas highway, date raping everything within a twelve-mile radius.

A Harvard professor says he found a way for people to live to be one hundred and fifty. Let’s hope it’s healthful. I told a girlfriend if I get dementia I’ll kill myself rather than put everyone I love through all that stress and sorrow, and she told me that was the fifth time I told her that today.

Louie CK returned to the stand-up stage a year after he was outed by women for masturbating in front of non-consenting female hotel room guests. A recent survey revealed ninety-eight percent of men masturbate. The other two percent are either taking the survey or answering the door.

Colin Kaepernick signed a huge endorsement deal with Nike causing a boycott and company stock decline. Colin is the new face of Nike’s Just Do It campaign. An outraged President Trump complained he’s been Just Doing It for years and it always costs him a hundred thirty thousand a pop.

Republicans boycotted Nike Monday, causing Nike stock to fall four billion in value the same day they packed In-and-Out Burger. So it’s up with fatty food and down with exercise. One reason Republicans refuse to kneel during the Anthem is it’d take them five minutes to stand back up.

The Washington Post on Monday printed excerpts of Bob Woodward’s new book called Fear about what he claims is chaos in the White House. It’s an attempt to bring down the president. He’s being doing this since Nixon’s Watergate scandal only this time Deep Throat is not a code name.

President Trump heatedly denied Bob Woodward’s book excerpts saying his staffers consider him dumb and call the West Wing Crazy Town. The same day, Jerry Springer said Trump stole his show and took it to the White House, which isn’t true, of course. Jerry’s show loved paternity tests.

The Republican National Committee launched an outreach program to minority voters for the November elections. This should be good. Republicans plan to spend ten million dollars to convince African-Americans, Hispanic-Americans and Asian-Americans that the election is on Wednesday.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel declined to run for re-election Monday after eight years in office. It’s for the best. The writing was on the wall that things aren’t working out under Rahm’s administration when Fallujah finished ahead of Chicago in the bidding to host the Summer Olympics.

Ryan Gosling explained in his new movie First Man in which he plays the legendary astronaut Neal Armstrong that they omitted the scene where he plants the flag on the moon. He claimed it was because the cast felt the moon landing was a human achievement and not an American one. The most likely explanation is that the actor was unable to plant the U.S. flag and kneel at the same time.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at


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