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Mon, Oct. 14

Argus Hamilton: Trump, only person to get a hooker to pay him

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

Stormy Daniels’s defamation of character lawsuit against President Trump was dismissed by the federal judge in Manhattan Monday. In addition, the judge ruled that the adult film star must pay the president’s legal fees. Donald Trump is the only guy I know who can get a hooker to pay HIM.

President Trump was seen on TV handing out bottled water to hurricane victims in Florida on Monday. His face was glistening a little too brightly in the sun. President Trump was wearing so much face bronzer it looked like he was running against Elizabeth Warren for Chief of the Cherokees.

President Trump this year had offered to give a million dollars to Elizabeth Warren’s favorite charity if DNA can prove she’s Indian. She’s less than one-thousandth. That tiny amount doesn’t rate a million dollar payoff, but to be a good sport Trump should buy Liz an all-white Jeep Cherokee.

The Cherokee Nation ridiculed Elizabeth Warren’s claim her tribal ancestry is proved by her DNA test. I used to think I was Anglo-Saxon, but my DNA test showed I’m just a drunk. Warren’s DNA test showed she is about as Indian as you and I would be from watching an episode of F-Troop.

Elizabeth Warren’s campaign TV commercial gives you the choice of either believing that her DNA test proves that she’s a Native American or being a racist follower of Trump. The actual DNA test results told another story. Ivory Soap now advertises that it’s nearly as white as Elizabeth Warren.

The Cherokee Nation issued a statement Monday denouncing Senator Warren’s claim she has DNA proof she’s a Native American. They’re not kidding around. If Warren is elected president, Eastern Oklahoma will secede from the Union the first time the Marine Band plays Hail to the Chief.

NBC retracted its criticism of President Trump over his Ohio speech for reporting he praised Robert E. Lee. Trump was actually praising Ulysses S. Grant. However during the speech Trump did mention Lee’s name, which NBC no longer allows on the air unless you are describing a Korean.

The New York Post reported that e-cigarette companies are going to add Viagra and Cialis to their vape liquids. This means forty million Baby Boomer men who quit smoking in the 80s now have to learn how to vape. Just when the Me Too movement was slowing down, here comes vape rape.

The New York Times warned Democrats that wild protests are hurting their chances to re-take Congress. No one’s listening. Months ago, Democratic Congresswoman Maxine Waters told us to create a crowd whenever we see Republicans in a department store, but even that didn’t help Sears.

The journal Science released a study showing just how close gorillas and human beings are in an experiment made public on Monday. It showed that birth control pills designed for women also work on female gorillas. How much beer pong did some zoologist have to play to test this hypothesis?

California’s new law allowing for doctor assisted suicide was reinstated by a court. If you can’t afford it, say something Saudi Arabia doesn’t like, then visit one of their embassies and you will be taken out in four cake boxes. I knew Bake-Off would be edgier once they moved it to Cinemax.

Turkey’s government re-named the boulevard leading up to their U.S. Embassy after the slain Black Muslim icon Malcolm X on Saturday. He certainly earned the honor. President Trump explained to anybody who doesn’t know that Malcolm the Tenth was one of Scotland’s greatest kings.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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