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Mon, Sept. 16

Hamilton: Caravan heading to Canada if Dems don’t win

BEVERLY HILLS--God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump announced Thursday he’s sending fifteen thousand troops to the border to halt the Guatemalan caravan that’s trudging north through Mexico now. The political stakes are high. The caravan just threatened to keep on walking to Canada if the Democrats don’t win the midterms.

Stormy Daniels was ordered to pay President Trump’s legal fees by a judge who threw out the porn star’s defamation lawsuit against him. Trump filed his claim on Thursday. The president is seeking three hundred and forty-two thousand dollar from Stormy, but he’ll settle for two more nights.

Oprah Winfrey revived calls for her to run for U.S. president in two years Wednesday when she campaigned for the Democratic candidate for governor of Georgia. It certainly got everybody’s attention in Hollywood. I know I’d vote for Oprah for president in 2020, if her vice president is Bread.

Turkey’s government claimed Wednesday it has proof that a Saudi hit squad at first strangled and then dismembered a Saudi journalist in their embassy in Turkey. Saudi tribal laws are so barbaric they let a husband break his wife’s leg if she talks too much. It’s their version of Snap Chat.

President Trump told Americans Thursday that President Obama’s policies helped create the approaching caravan situation. They still face a nine hundred mile walk. It appears that when First Lady Michelle Obama urged Americans to Get Moving, only Central Americans were listening.

President Trump said Thursday he will issue an executive order negating birthright citizenship in order to deter illegal immigration. In addition, the president just ordered his writing staff to keep him better informed and up-to-date. During one campaign speech Thursday, he was two caravans behind.

The New York Times reported that the FAA now publishes an evaluation list of international airlines for safety. This past week two Ryanair passenger airliners nearly collided flying over Spain. The pilots took emergency evasive action once the near-miss surcharge had been collected from everybody.

The National Retail Federation reported last week that American consumers spent nine billion dollars celebrating Halloween this year on candy, costumes and home and party decorations. And now it’s time for Americans to take down the cobwebs except the ones on the treadmill. Those are real.

Hillary Clinton began doing TV interviews to publicize her thirteen-city speaking tour and she dropped hints she’d like to run again. The Democrats now have one question concerning Hillary. How many feet does a restraining order have to specify before you’re in a long-distance relationship?

Nancy Pelosi went on the Stephen Colbert show on CBS Tuesday and she was loudly cheered when she predicted a Democratic win next Tuesday. Democrats love late-night talk shows for the same reason Republicans love Fox News. It doesn’t clog up their minds with opposing points of view.

Whitey Bulger was murdered in a mob hit in a federal prison on Tuesday during his transfer to another facility. After hiding out eighteen years, his neighbors in Santa Monica turned him in to the police three years ago. If you want a great big target on your back in L.A., live in Santa Monica under the name Whitey, in Beverly Hills under the name of Adolf, or in East Los Angeles as Donald.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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