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Sun, Aug. 25

Hamilton: Markle only Hollywood star to leave US after Trump got election

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Windsor Castle is the site of the Royal Wedding between Prince Harry and American actress Meghan Markle Saturday. She is really brainy. Meghan was able to be the only Hollywood star to keep her vow to leave the U.S. if Trump got elected because she figured out a way to land on her feet.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were married in a Church of England ceremony Saturday in St. George’s Chapel in front of three billion viewers. Meghan’s father’s heart condition kept him from attending the wedding. It flared up when she told him it would cost sixty-five million dollars.

The Weather Channel reports a record-breaking heat wave on the Texas Gulf Coast that sent May temperatures to one hundred degrees in the shade, made more miserable by forty percent humidity. There’s simply no way that you enjoy playing golf in this weather. You just hate your wife.

The Kansas Legislature passed a bill for the governor’s signature last week that bans Kansas policemen from having sex with women they pull over on the road. Its passage provided a rare moment of partisan unity. Both President Trump and Bill Clinton declared that cops have rights too.

The New York Times quoted generational experts who say the Millennial generation consists of people between the age of twenty-two and thirty-seven. They’re dangerous. Right now, I’m dating a beautiful Millennial, and she’s the reason I look down at my phone, smile and then walk into a pole.

CIA official Gina Haspel was confirmed as the Director of the Central Intelligence Agency on Thursday by the U.S. Senate. During the War on Terror, a woman may be the perfect CIA Director. For seventeen years we’ve tried every form of torture on captured terrorists except the silent treatment.

The U.S. Senate voted to confirm CIA veteran Gina Haspel as the new Director of the Central Intelligence Agency Thursday. She was clearly qualified, but the political divide didn’t care. Six Senate Democrats from conservative states voted for Trump’s nominee, which must have been torture.

The Census Bureau posted a record low in the number of babies being born in the U.S. this last year. The numbers are deceiving. Babies are being born at the same rate since Donald Trump was elected, it’s just that illegal aliens are listing their babies as Canadians to give them a head start in life.

President Trump caught grief from the left for referring to Guatemalan gangs as animals on Tuesday. We can all be that way. Humans are most like animals when we’re waiting to pick up our luggage at the airport carousel or next in line at self check-out or at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

The White House refused to apologize for a maudlin comment made by a female staffer about John McCain in a private meeting that was leaked to the press. It’s tricky. Trump says he’s opposed to anyone leaking on the woman, although Hillary’s opposition research claimed he’d pay to watch it.

President Trump called for the special counsel to wrap up the Russia probe, having uncovered no collusion between the Trump campaign and the Kremlin. It never made any sense to me. If President Trump is a Russian agent, then the next James Bond movie could be called Orange Finger.

President Trump marked the first-year anniversary of the Mueller Russia probe, calling it the biggest witch hunt ever. The investigations are all over the map. Last week, the Senate Intelligence Committee forgot to cite the Democrats for helping Trump win the 2016 election by nominating Hillary.

The New York Times said the FBI had a spy in the Trump campaign during the 2016 election campaign who was paid by the Obama State Department. This is great. The Obama Presidential Library may have to build a meeting room large enough for the Senate to hold impeachment hearings.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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