Originally Published: May 12, 2018 5:58 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS —Happy Mother’s Day, everybody, and God bless America.
President Trump was on hand at Dulles Airport Thursday to greet the three Americans freed by North Korea after being in solitary confinement three years. The freed Americans must be Democrats. When they realized Trump is the president, they took the next flight back to North Korea.
The Comedy Store marks Mother’s Day tonight with a memorial for club founder Mitzi Shore who just died. She so loved all the comics she selected and developed. Before I finally got sober in 1986, Mitzi sent me to rehab so many times that the Betty Ford cafeteria named a sandwich after me.
Los Angeles restaurants reported sell-outs in reservations for Mother’s Day today in addition to big business for flower shops and packed church sanctuaries. It’s not a red-letter day for pop culture. It’s widely accepted that Mother’s Day is the most confusing day of the year for Kylie Jenner.
Men’s Health published a weight-loss report saying the best diets are the ones that that require you to burn more calories than you consume. There are many ways to do that. Scientific American reports that thinking burns calories, which explains why there are so many lard-asses in Washington.
Conde Nast travel magazine predicted a record-high number of Americans will be vacationing overseas this summer. The only foreign locales that I’ve ever visited were Vancouver and Tijuana. Last month my psychologist diagnosed me as xenophobic, and I’ll bet I caught it from some foreigner.
Christopher Columbus’s statue in New York was targeted for removal by protestors who accused him of genocide. He sailed the wrong way for months and wound up in the Caribbean while searching for India. Before the telephone was invented this is what people had to do to get ahold of tech support.
Southern California Edison warned California may face approaching electricity shortages due to the heat, huge population and tourist demand this summer. They’re forecasting rolling power reductions. It could be the state’s biggest brownout since Trump’s immigration policy went into effect.
Rudy Giuliani resigned from his New York law firm Thursday saying he needs to concentrate full time on representing President Trump in the Mueller investigation. Trump is being defended by Rudy and Michael Cohen. Laurel and Hardy looked better trying to push a piano up the staircase.
President Trump reportedly pulled his defense lawyer Rudy Giuliani off TV shows. He walked back things he said about hush payments, deposition terms and Trump’s motive for settling. Rudy’s had to walk back so many statements that he’s starting to look like a Michael Jackson impersonator.
President Trump’s decision to pull out of the Iran deal had Democrats wondering what he will cancel next. One look at the electoral map and you know the Louisiana Purchase is safe. The White House denied a CNN report that Donald Trump plans to replace Mother’s Day with MILF Day.
Dick Cheney defended water-boarding terrorist suspects held at Guantanamo Bay prison back when he was the vice president Thursday. The practice is easy to market. Water Boarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds like great summer fun if you don’t know what either of these two things are.
President Trump complained about a Media Research Survey Monday that said 90 percent of Trump’s TV news coverage is negative. That won’t ever change. President Trump could discover the cure for cancer and CNN would accuse Trump of willfully trying to throw oncologists out of work.