Originally Published: May 9, 2018 5:58 a.m.
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Kentucky Derby was won by Justify on a rainy day at Churchill Downs Saturday. NBC had a marketing problem. As long as we have a porn star describing the president’s performance level in bed, how can anyone advertise the Kentucky Derby as the most exciting two minutes in sports?
President Donald Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by GOP congressmen for his work to bring peace to Korea. Now suddenly there’s more. Trump could be nominated for the Nobel Prize for Philanthropy after Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed Trump’s pin number.
The White House reeled after Giuliani blurted out that Trump reimbursed his lawyer for the hush money he lawyer gave the porn star. They paid off the wrong attention junkie. Giuliani was the one Michael Cohen should have paid the $130,000 to keep his mouth shut.
Stormy Daniels told reporters Saturday she wouldn’t trust attorney Cohen to clean up after her horse, much less the president. It’s come to this. It’s taken 245 years, but actresses who perform fellatio on camera for a living now have the moral high ground in Washington.
The Oklahoma legislature passed a bill to allow faith-based adoption agencies to place babies with straight married couples if they choose. It doesn’t sound legal. I thought Oklahoma gave up its right to discriminate against gays when they became the only state named after a Broadway musical.
The Weather Channel reported boiling hot temperatures in Southern California on Saturday as Santa Ana desert breezes blew in off the Imperial Desert. High-temperature records fell. It was so hot in Hollywood that rap stars said nice things about Trump just for the cold stares.
Showtime premiered the second season of “I’m Dying Up Here,” about the adventures of young comedians at the Comedy Store back in the late Seventies in Los Angeles. They’ll never find out how much fun we really had. If we wouldn’t tell the grand jury, why would we tell some story editor?
Trump hosted a business roundtable in Ohio Saturday, focusing on the economy and jobs and immigration. The guy really knows how to get the crowd on his side. Halfway through the presentation, Trump promised to change Cinco de Mayo to May 5th and make the Mexicans pay for it.
Gerald the Giraffe in a South Africa Game Preserve head-butted a movie director who got too close to him for a camera shot Friday. Gerald knocked the filmmaker back 16 feet into the air and killed him. Trump just announced plans to put a thousand giraffes on the Mexican border.
USA Today reports California has just passed Great Britain as the fifth largest economy in the world. It’s no surprise to Los Angeles residents. Southern California doesn’t need Trump’s wall to keep illegal aliens out of the state; we have $2,000-per-month rent for a studio apartment.
The White House Communications Agency apologized for the one-sided monologue by last Saturday’s dinner comedian. You can find funny stuff just watching cable news. I saw a hilarious TV news visual Thursday, seeing Richard Grenell being sworn in as ambassador to Germany with his right hand raised high in the air.
A Virginia judge bawled out Special Counsel Robert Mueller for fishing where he can to get Trump outside the Russia probe Friday. Trump spent $75 million of his own money to become president, yet some Democrats think he spent $130,000 of campaign funds to pay off a porn star. The solution may be to thin out the blood line and start breeding outside the family.