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Wed, July 24

Hamilton: Tornado survivor prefers to eat at Popeye’s

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The National Weather Service reported a tornado in Oklahoma Wednesday that sent residents hurrying to cellars and large building basements. The locals take it in stride. One survivor was asked afterwards how many churches were open, and she said she didn’t know, she eats at Popeye’s.

The White House was besieged after the president hinted he knew of the Stormy Daniels payoff on Fox and Friends and then his lawyer confirmed it on Hannity. It’s nuts. If Trump and Rudy can do just a few more interviews on Fox News, the Democrats could have him out of office by Mother’s Day.

The Simpsons producers had to answer complaints from Indo-Americans last week about the shopkeeper character on the show named Apu who’s from India. Asia is suddenly a sensitive continent. I was accused of cultural appropriation Thursday when I fixed a problem on my Samsung.

Rudy Giuliani told Sean Hannity’s show Wednesday that President Trump reimbursed the one hundred and thirty grand his lawyer paid the porn star in hush money. The media went wild with speculation over Trump’s involvement in the payoff. Mexico just offered to pay for the impeachment.

The Hamilton Tiger Cats of the Canadian Football League did a trade Friday allowing them to sign quarterback Johnny Manziel. In Canada, the offense only gets three downs, which reflects the French influence upon the game. It allows the offense to surrender the ball twenty-five percent faster.

Draft Magazine reports Cinco de Mayo is our second-biggest beer-selling holiday even though it originated in Mexico. It’s an American tradition to honor the people that we’re trying to deport. Cinco de Mayo celebrates a Mexican military victory over the French Army, and yes, that’s a low bar.

L.A. officials and contractors cite an inspector’s survey saying thirteen thousand L.A. buildings need retrofitting ahead of the next big earthquake or risk collapse. The construction firms think the public will buy this story. Los Angeles is the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo.

Nielsen TV ratings showed that TV news viewership is way up this year on both broadcast and cable news due to the Trump presidency. Last week, Washington D.C. was turned upside down. Rudy Giuliani, a politician, seemed to be telling the truth and a prostitute was paid NOT to make any noise.

President Trump’s former New York physician, Dr. Bornstein, said Trump’s security guys showed up at his office last year and took away Trump’s medical records. He called it a raid. The doctor said that he feels raped, frightened and sad, and that’ll be one hundred and thirty thousand dollars, Mr. Cohen.

President Trump signed an executive order on National Prayer Day giving religious institutions the right to promote their faith in their community outreach programs. That’s a switch. It’s hard to believe only a couple of years ago under Obama it was punishable by death to say Merry Christmas.

The Catholic Herald reported Thursday the Vatican is going to implement a tough new policy statement and doctrinal position regarding the sexual abuse of children by priests. They’re going to now say they’re definitely against it. The new policy is called Three Strikes and You’re Transferred.

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences expelled Bill Cosby in the wake of his drug rape conviction. Also, Yale took back his honorary degree in humanities. Bill Cosby has been stripped of so many honorary college degrees that pretty soon he’s going to have to repeat high school.

Donald Trump was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize Friday for what the nominating GOP House members called Trump’s tireless work to bring peace to our world. No one knows how he does it. It’s amazing how President Trump has managed to avoid an all-out nuclear war with Melania.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at


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