Originally Published: March 31, 2018 6 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — Happy Easter Sunday, everybody, and God bless America.
Queen Elizabeth will attend Easter service at the St. George Chapel at Windsor Castle as head of the Church of England. Its theology allows comedians like me to be the world’s easiest-grace Anglican. I believe Jesus died to save me from my sins and I’d hate to give him nothing to do up there.
National Geographic reports that archaeologists digging in Nazareth have unearthed a house where they say Jesus may have been raised by Joseph and Mary in Judea. The house has three rooms made of stone. The property includes a swimming pool in the back where Jesus learned to walk.
Pope Francis hosted Good Friday services with thousands of Catholic penitents at noon. The time marks the moment Jesus died on the cross as Roman soldiers cast lots for his robe. It shows gambling in the workplace has always been a problem during the month of March.
President Trump picked up the Oval Office phone and called Roseanne to congratulate her on her hit show. He thanked her for standing up to Hollywood and to the liberal media to support him. Donald and Rosie share the same medical disability, one of their testicles is bigger than the other two.
NBC News said two airline pilots reported seeing a UFO over the Arizona desert one night last week. Why is it that in the Seventies, everybody reported seeing UFOs but today when everyone has a camera phone nobody ever sees them? The reason is, we had much better drugs in the Seventies.
Fox News aired a story about how legalization of marijuana has affected Colorado’s lifestyle, public health and state revenue. In Denver a church has been formed that worships the smoking of marijuana that’s called the International Church of Cannabis. Their favorite hymn is Amazing Grass.
The White House was sued by California over the census form which asks residents if they are U.S. citizens. It’s all politics. California refuses to allow census takers to ask Hispanics if they are U.S. citizens but they will allow them to ask white people why they won’t admit being Trump supporters.
Jeff Sessions named a Justice Department attorney to investigate the FBI and former Obama Justice officials for using Hillary-purchased campaign dirt on Trump to obtain a FISA warrant to wiretap him. No one wants to live through another Special Counsel. We get it, Trump loves chicks.
Uber agreed to pay damages for one of its self-driving cars, which killed an Arizona pedestrian that darted suddenly into the street. It’s no safer with people driving. On Tuesday a Florida woman drove her car into a swimming pool, but in her defense she had the GPS set to Teddy Kennedy’s voice.
Planned Parenthood sent out a tweet declaring there should be a Disney character who has an abortion. No matter how progressive Hollywood says they are, this will remain a taboo subject. The last time there was an onscreen abortion in a movie was Pierce Brosnan’s singing in Mama Mia.
Congress introduced a bill that gives workplace protection to child actors nationwide. It seems they never turn out well. Eighties star Cory Feldman reported Monday he was recently stabbed by a stranger in the back seat of his car, proving you’re no longer safe even in your home in Los Angeles.
Burning Man art and self-expression festival at Nevada’s Black Rock desert each October sold out all sixty-three thousand tickets Tuesday. However, it’s no picnic for allergy sufferers. Last fall the pollen count was so high in the desert that the junkies were converting their meth back into Sudafed.
Stormy Daniels last night was confronted by a religious protestor in the parking lot of the strip joint where she had just finished performing who told Stormy that God saw what she did tonight. Struck with genuine curiosity, Stormy had one question. Did he see the first show or the second show?
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.