Originally Published: March 3, 2018 5:57 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Trump stunned the NRA Tuesday by agreeing with liberals on an assault weapons ban and proposing gun seizures. The next day he angered conservatives by raising tariffs. Well, so much for Trump getting his own statue along with the other Confederate heroes in Charlottesville.
Papa John’s dropped its NFL sponsorship Thursday due to outrage over the National Anthem protests. Last night I dropped to one knee with four other comics in the Comedy Store parking lot in solidarity with the Anthem protest. However, they chased me away after I rolled four straight sevens.
Harvey Weinstein was sued by the state of New York for sexually harassing women over whom he had power in Hollywood. His case triggered other cases that ruined politicians, TV anchors and actors. It’s beginning to look like 2018 may be the toughest year in history to sleep your way to the top.
The Academy Awards show will be televised live from the Nokia Theater in Hollywood Sunday night on ABC. The ratings are always huge. The Academy Awards allows the American people to enjoy seeing the most number of stars in one place without having to donate to the Democratic Party.
Barack Obama told a sports dinner that social media and talk radio and Fox News now allow conservatives to live in their own universe with their own set of facts. It doesn’t bother me as long as it’s a gated universe. Today, my desire to stay well-informed is at war with my desire to remain sane.
The Weather Channel reported heavy rains plowing into Southern California Friday with rare snow dusting the hills overlooking LA. It left locals disappointed. When the weatherman told TV viewers that snow was coming to the Hollywood Hills, everybody thought he meant a cartel shipment.
President Trump told a White House meeting on the opioid crisis he favors the death penalty for opioid dealers. That shows he’s never done drugs. There’s already a death penalty for opioid users, so if we can execute the opioid dealers, maybe we can put them back on the right path to heroin.
Billy Graham’s funeral in North Carolina Friday paid tribute to his certitude in the Bible. He railed against today’s prevailing philosophy of secular humanism and its moral compromises. Secular humanists believe that the Holy Bible is a hundred percent accurate, if thrown at close range.
President Trump is heading to San Diego to select between eight types of walls proposed for the border. The wall will mark the divide between Spanish and English cultural legacies, but it won’t keep anyone out. Mexicans are such great tunnel diggers that they only stay in prison to escape their wives.
President Trump scolded Jeff Sessions on Wednesday for delaying an FBI probe of Hillary with an Inspector General review, and top advisor Hope Hicks quit a day after testifying to Congress. The press went wild. They cover the Trump White House like every day’s a new episode of Keeping Up with the White-Trashians.
Dick’s Sporting Goods chain in California announced Wednesday they are banning the sale of all assault rifles. It set off a local celebration. It prompted Democrats in West Hollywood to say they’ve never loved Dick’s more in their lives like they love Dick’s now, and that’s saying something.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.