Originally Published: June 23, 2018 6 a.m.
The Centers for Disease Control said Southern states once again led the nation in obesity last year. Kentucky is at the top, but then their state bird is the fried chicken. If President Trump wants to protect Americans from their most dangerous threat, he should build a wall around the buffet table.
The NBA held its annual college player draft Thursday televised live on ESPN. Los Angeles did very well with our draft picks. The shooting guard from Duke went to Kim Kardashian, the forward from Marquette went to Chloe Kardashian and Kylie Jenner landed a center from Uganda.
President Trump addressed a cheering crowd in Duluth Wednesday and repeated his promise to build a wall. We can’t change our basic nature. Every day while I’m home writing jokes for tonight’s show, I spike my can of Diet Cherry Coke with a flask that contains more Diet Cherry Coke.
President Trump asked Duluth why Democrats don’t consider him elite when he is richer, has a bigger house and more power than the elites have. Democrats are right. A look at Trump’s female accusers and Bill Clinton’s accusers tells you how unfair life is in America if you don’t have money.
Jimmy Fallon apologized to Hollywood for normalizing Trump as a good guy when he mussed up Trump’s hair on the show two years ago. At that time, NBC warned Fallon he couldn’t drink and party all the time and still host the Tonight Show. That’s why there was only one Johnny Carson.
The Census Bureau scolded millennial women for delaying marriage and kids and forcing the birth rate to fall. It’s not helped by the quality of the single men available. All I want is one night with a woman who has the looks of Scarlett Johansson, the figure of Kate Upton, and the ethics of the FBI.
President Trump signed an executive order allowing children of captured illegal aliens to stay with their parents during their adjudication process. It’s bewildering. Pretty soon, our borders will carry a Reverse R rating, no one admitted over the age of seventeen unless accompanied by children.
Melania Trump visited the border Thursday and got ripped by the media for dressing too hip for a border facility. It’s crazy. To hear the media tell it, North Americans were offended to see Melania comforting Central Americans while wearing a leather jacket made out of South Americans.
CNN’s Brooke Baldwin angered many by grilling a Democratic senator about why she didn’t slam Obama over border children four years ago. That won’t change CNN’s anti-administration slant on things. According to a CNN poll, Trump is the most popular president since Trump yesterday.
Sonic Drive-Ins launched a contest asking customers to come up with a combination of words for Labradoodle. The example the instructions gave was Labrador and Doodle. The winner was NOT the suggestion of a North Korea restaurant item that’s part Labrador retriever and part noodles.
The Inspector General in Senate testimony detailed FBI bias against Trump in the opening of the Russia collusion probe during the last election. It’s a silly charge. The most significant influence that the Russians had in the 2016 election was the amount of Stolichnaya consumed on Election Day.
The Oklahoma City Thunder fired their TV announcer Brian Davis after he asked on the air what was on Russell Westbrook’s cotton-picking mind after a bad pass in the playoffs in April. First they took down the Rebel flag, then the Rebel statues, now you can’t say cotton much less pick it. Why do I bother checking the American League standings every morning to see whether the Yankees won?