Originally Published: June 2, 2018 5:58 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Huffington Post reported a water conservation survey saying that a shower uses up twenty gallons of water and a bath uses fifty gallon. It seems everything is political. Last night the label on my body-wash said to use liberally so I stood under the shower and screamed about Russian collusion.
Starbucks shut down eight thousand stores Tuesday in order for trainers to conduct seminars for their workers. It taught them how to serve customers without any racial bias. Just yesterday a Starbucks manager broke up a chess game at one of the tables because white kept getting to go first.
Roseanne explained when she tweeted that Obama’s U.N. Ambassador Valerie Jarrett was the offspring of the Muslim Brotherhood and Planet of the Apes that she thought Valerie was Iranian and Jewish and not black. She also said she was on Ambien. It sounds more like she was on Klanbien.
Barack Obama and Michelle Obama signed a production deal with Netflix for one hundred million dollars, on top of their brand new sixty million dollar book deal. No faith has been broken with their followers. It’s quite alright for Democrats to be rich as long as they feel just awful about it.
China warned the U.S. on Thursday that high tariffs on Chinese goods will mean higher prices at WalMart. They see everything coming. Today in L.A., I went to lunch in a Chinese restaurant for the first time, and when I opened my fortune cookie it said that I will have diarrhea in three hours.
A New York grand jury indicted Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein for rape and sexual misconduct by two women. His attorney assured reporters Thursday that they will prove these two women made everything up. Harvey wants the world to know that two of his eighty accusers are liars.
President Trump posed for pictures with Kim Kardashian in the Oval Office Wednesday after they conferred about prison reform. It alarmed many people. Democrats in Los Angeles said they were shocked at the meeting between a reality TV star who screws black people and Kim Kardashian.
Martin Sheen ripped President Trump in an interview with the London Guardian promoting a Netflix movie. He recently led a free-speech protest march with his mouth covered up in tape. He wanted to show the world there’s one man in the Sheen family who can still breathe through his nose.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo met with North Korea’s Kim Yong Chol in New York to plan the summit. Kim Yong Chol then flew to Washington to deliver Trump an important letter from Kim Jung Un. It had to be hand-delivered because Trump still gets mail from hostages addressed to President Carter.
The Los Angeles Times reported that a self-driving Tesla went out of control in Laguna Beach Friday. The Tesla plowed into a parked police car. When the police saw that no one was sitting in the car’s driver’s seat, they beat the black leather interior to death and charged it with resisting arrest.
The Scripps National Spelling Bee finals were held in a Washington hotel ballroom Thursday and won by fourteen-year-old Narthik Nemmani of McKinney, Texas. It’s hard to imagine the size of the TV audience for this competition. India regards the National Spelling Bee as their Super Bowl.
Samantha Bee apologized Thursday for going nuts on her talk show monologue and calling Ivanka Trump a feckless C-word for not convincing her father to ease up on his Mexican border policy. The difference between the worst thing you can call a woman and the worst thing you can say about black people, is that the worst thing you can call a woman allows you to keep your TV show.