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Sat, Aug. 24

Hamilton: Trump eats McDonald’s salad, E. coli dies

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump was criticized by nutritionists last weekend for setting a bad example with his love of Big Macs and Kentucky Fried Chicken. His diet makes it impossible to poison him. During their lunch break at the Helsinki summit, Putin gave Trump a McDonald’s salad and the E. coli died.

NASA marked the 49th anniversary of the first moon landing Friday, recalling the night that Neil Armstrong became the first man ever to step foot on the lunar surface. That man showed more faith in mankind than anyone ever did. Neil Armstrong returned to Earth, and he had a choice.

Roseanne told an interviewer Sunday she was fired by ABC because she voted for Trump. The hunt is on in this town. Last night at the Comedy Store, I made fun of CNN’s Trump coverage and now I swear I am being followed everywhere by men in dark glasses, and I’m no longer that cute.

An NBC poll says 70 percent of Democrats want to see a fresh face to run for president in 2020. That’s easy. Just send Biden, Bernie and Hillary to Beverly Hills for two weeks and we’ll send them back to Washington with faces so fresh they’ll look like their Vietnam War protest photos.

Hillary Clinton addressed a Central Park Festival Sunday and slammed Trump for not having a stenographer present during last week’s Helsinki summit. The only reason Hillary lost the election was due to bad luck. She just happened to be running for president the same day Donald Trump was.

The New York Times slammed President Trump for inviting Putin to the White House without consulting aides. The media frenzy isn’t working. The Gallup Poll says the number of Americans who believe the situation with Russia is a major problem is less than 1 percent, tied with skim milk.

The White House said security plans are underway for Russia’s Vladimir Putin to visit the U.S. in September. He can rise to the occasion in formal settings. No one could forget Putin’s brief but eloquent eulogy twelve years ago at Boris Yeltsin’s state funeral, when Putin said he didn’t do it.

House Democrats met Friday and voted “For the People” as the Democratic campaign slogan in the fall election. “For the People” barely edged out “Trump Colluded with Russia While Cheating on a Playmate with the Porn Star,” and “That’s Racism.” They completely overlooked “More Beer, Less Vodka.”

President Trump reignited the NFL’s National Anthem policy Friday, tweeting his disgust over the league tabling its rule that they must stand.

The NFL Players’ Association objected to Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones for warning that any player on his team who doesn’t stand for the anthem will be suspended. The protest wasn’t pretty to watch last year.

San Francisco residents expressed their anger at a city council meeting over the city’s rapidly worsening homeless problem plaguing America’s most expensive city to live in. Many homeless defiantly leave their feces on city sidewalks. The mayor’s clueless, she thinks the problem is Shinola.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at

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