Originally Published: July 20, 2018 5:53 p.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
Shark Week begins tonight on the Discovery Channel with amazing video of shark life. People get carried away when they see the show. Just this morning in Crimea, Vladimir Putin killed a shark with one shot of his spear gun, and there was nothing the owner of the aquarium could do to stop him.
The White House confirmed Thursday that security plans are being made for Russian president Vladimir Putin to visit to the United States in September. That’s a good sign. Apparently our cyber security is working so well that Vladimir Putin has to come here and meddle in the election personally.
President Trump refused to take questions from CNN Monday. Last month at the zoo, Trump saved a boy who fell into the lion’s habitat by jumping down there, slugging the lion and carrying the boy to safety. That night, CNN reported Trump attacked an African immigrant and stole his lunch.
President Trump explained to Fox News how Montenegro could start World War III because of the NATO Charter. It was a risky example, considering all his verbal mistakes lately. It was just pure luck that Trump was able to say Montenegro three times without losing a Papa John’s franchise.
Chicago just adopted a five-hundred-dollar-a-month guaranteed income for its residents. That should be enough for a one-size-fits-all Kevlar vest. Insurance companies just ruled you may no longer murder your spouse and try to make it look like an accident by sending him or her to Chicago.
Mexico’s new socialist government is in cabinet discussion over whether to legalize marijuana and cocaine and heroin and crystal meth and all prescription medications in Mexico. It’s big news. President Trump may have to build that border wall just to keep the Californians in the United States.
George Clooney is alright after he had a motorcycle accident in Italy last week on a steep hilly road. He said he slept with too many women to run for office. For all the criticism you hear about alcohol, cocaine and womanizing, they never get enough credit for all the presidencies they prevented.
The Weather Channel confirmed what everyone in Los Angeles heard at noon on Wednesday when a freak thunderstorm hit Southern California for an hour. Marble-sized hail fell on remote desert towns. The residents came running outside all happy, they thought it was raining crystal meth.
President Trump corrected his Helsinki misstatement saying when he said he saw no reason why Russia would meddle, he meant to say wouldn’t meddle. This isn’t the first time Donald Trump has mixed up the words would and wouldn’t. There was that Mexico would pay for the border wall thing.
Joe Biden was reported Thursday consulting donors about a 2020 presidential run. He would give Trump a run for his money on misstatements. Joe Biden marked the one-hundredth anniversary of the birth of Nelson Mandela Tuesday by praising his performance in The Shawshank Redemption.
The Kremlin confirmed Thursday that Putin will pay a September visit to the White House. On the way here, he can stop in San Francisco and legally vote and allow President Trump to accuse him to his face of meddling in U.S. elections at their joint press conference. Second chances are great.
The FBI arrested Russian Maria Butina for espionage, who tried to use sex to try to worm her way into conservative circles in Washington as well as in the NRA. She offered sex to the men in exchange for more influence, information and promotion. The Russians refer to her as Our Weinstein.