Originally Published: July 7, 2018 5:59 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Trump thoroughly enjoyed himself onstage in a GOP rally at an arena in Montana Thursday. He’s happy that he finally reached an even split in the polls. They show that half the country thinks Trump is mentally unstable, and the other half say that’s what they love about the guy.
Senator Rand Paul reported that the government is spending tax dollars researching the effect of cocaine on quail. They’re taking leftover cocaine seized in DEA raids and mixing it into their bird food. Everyone in Hollywood was mystified, asking each other, what on earth is leftover cocaine?
Jerry Brown signed the California Consumer Privacy Act into law, providing the strictest Internet privacy in the nation. The dating sites are safe now. A poll last Valentine’s Day revealed that 12 percent of people met their spouse online and 88 percent met somebody else’s spouse online.
Las Vegas casino hotels are reportedly supplying employees with panic buttons to press in case of emergencies. Last week, the guards at one of the hotels on the Strip had to kick a woman out the casino for breast-feeding her baby. Everybody in Vegas knows that breasts are for conventioneers.
Senate Democrats vowed to grill Trump’s Supreme Court pick about water-boarding captured terrorists. There’s much better torture. The best way to break people down is to force them to put all their money in retail store stocks that compete with Amazon and make them watch CNBC all day.
President Trump said he’ll give a million dollars to Elizabeth Warren’s favorite charity if she can prove she’s Cherokee as she claimed. The tribe hotly denies it. If Warren is elected president, Indians will go on the warpath the moment she walks in a room and the band plays Hail to the Chief.
Environmental Protection Agency director Scott Pruitt resigned under heavy fire on Thursday after months of revelations of his nickel-and-diming appetite for personal gifts. Another one bites the dust. For an administration that’s so opposed to gays having cake they sure do like turnovers.
London’s Mayor Sadiq Khan vowed to ruin Trump’s visit to London with vast Muslim protests Thursday. His constituency has its own problems. The city’s Muslim section has so many casualties from knife assaults that statistically it’s safer to be married to O.J. Simpson than to live in East London.
The Weather Channel says the Eastern Seaboard and nation’s mid-section are sweltering under a high pressure system. Precautions are urged. They warned everyone not to leave your dogs in the back seat of your car during this brutal summer heat, unless you are a Korean making a casserole.
Air New Zealand is embroiled in controversy because the airline upgraded its Business Class flight menu, to the exclusion of coach-class customers. The business class passengers can now be served Vegan burgers. I don’t understand all the fuss, as long as the Vegans were humanely killed.
The Thailand boys soccer team that is trapped in a cave moved deeper into the cave Thursday to escape rising monsoon-season waters. The boys found comfort underneath a rock formation called Women’s Boobs. They’ve only been left alone a few days and already they’re changing genders.
President Trump flies to Europe this week to meet with NATO, Putin and our British ally. You learn the same lesson everywhere you land. If there was one thing JFK, Gandhi and John Lennon have taught us, it’s that if you don’t want your kids to be assassinated, don’t name them after airports.