Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Thu, July 18

Argus Hamilton: Trump looking to be recognized during March Madness

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

President Trump proclaimed Black History Month Thursday, recognizing the contributions of African-Americans to our nation. He was quite complimentary. You could tell Trump was hoping they will return the compliments when March Madness rolls around and it’s his turn to be recognized.

The Weather Channel reported unseasonably warm weather in Southern California this week to the delight of vacationers from all over the world. Nice weather in February makes you giddy. It was so warm off Catalina Island that Robert Wagner got drunk and threw his sunscreen overboard.

Los Angeles Police named Robert Wagner as a person of interest in the drowning death of his wife Natalie Wood off his yacht in Catalina thirty-six years ago. Lucky for RJ’s career he didn’t inappropriately grope her. Murdering your wife in L.A. is considered nothing your lawyer can’t handle.

The Steele Dossier is the big topic in the week’s Russia probe. It comically claims Trump stood on a hotel bed in Moscow and peed on hookers, at an age when it takes most men two minutes to start peeing. Rodney Dangerfield is kicking himself in Heaven for not doing this scene in one of his movies.

The Philadelphia Eagles back-up quarterback Nick Foles filled in Sunday and led his team to a Super Bowl win and was named MVP. Other teams are now clamoring to sign him. The Wall Street Journal just saluted Nick Foles as the only person in America whose stock went up on Monday.

Wall Street suffered a record-sized crash on Monday when the Dow Jones average fell eleven hundred points. What a total bloodbath. You know things are bad by the end of the trading day when Warren Buffett sets up a Go Fund Me Page, and you can’t even sell Apple on the street corner.

Philadelphia Eagles fans rioted Sunday night, smashing windows, overturning cars, pulling down light poles, and jumping on top of a hotel entrance awning until it crashed. Police had only one question for each other over the squad car radios. Do these idiots know we won?

President Trump spoke to a cheering crowd at a machine factory in Cincinnati to promote his tax cut benefits. It was obvious Trump was glad to be there. Every time U.S. presidents are able to get out of Washington and face a friendly crowd, they act like they just got out of North Korea alive.

The Huffington Post polled psychiatrists to see if President Trump is afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder last week. It’s a serious disorder that afflicts one out of every one person in L.A. Los Angeles, California is populated by six million people who were too good for their hometowns.

The History Channel reports that archaeologists in Egypt just found a four-thousand-year-old tomb of an Egyptian priestess with wall paints in color. I used to find it incredible that a supposedly advanced civilization like Ancient Egypt could worship a beetle. And then Americans elected Trump.

The New York Post said the boycott of the Beverly Hills Hotel is over with the pro-gay protests against its absentee owner the Sultan of Brunei having fizzled out after four years. It’s just too swank. The Polo Lounge serves a chocolate pie so dark and so rich one of the Kardashians married it.

British feminist author Helen Pankhurst, descendant of suffragette Emaline Pankhurst, wrote a book marking one century since women got the vote. The suffragette motto was I’d Rather Be a Rebel than a Slave. The motto really caught fire with the public and today it’s the Ole Miss fight song.

Neo-Nazi GOP congressional candidate Arthur Jones in Illinois was not disowned by the RNC Monday. Did the GOP forget why they just lost in Alabama? If there’s anything I learned in the Eighties from five trips to rehab, it’s that there’s nothing to be learned from the second kick of a mule.


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