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Tue, June 18

Hamilton: Migrants miss out in bid for ticket across the border

BEVERLY HILLS — ­God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Central American caravan of migrants stood at the border Thursday and made a proffer to the U.S. authorities at the border and in the White House. The migrants offered to shut up and go away for $50,000 apiece. There is no way Trump is going to fall for THAT one again.

The Rolling Stones added Giants Stadium in New Jersey to their dozen shows in the U.S. next year, which will include dates at the Rose Bowl in Pasadena and Soldier Field in Chicago. Keith Richards just announced he’s quit drinking, which is fantastic. He’s got his whole life ahead of him.

French President Emmanuel Macron backed down last Tuesday after the rioting and fires in Paris over gas prices he raised to $7 a gallon. He wanted to save the planet. Whenever gas prices hit $5 a gallon in West Hollywood, it’s cheaper to buy cocaine and just run everywhere.

The Hollywood Reporter published a table showing the fall ratings for network TV and cable channels Thursday, and the numbers show a changing landscape in reality TV. The Kardashians drew less than 1 million viewers for the first time last week. They’re getting killed by The Trumps.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders said the president will name his new chief of staff soon as the search is down to 10 candidates, Outgoing Chief of Staff General John Kelly told friends his next job is going to be less stressful and less scrutinized. He’s going to host the Oscars.

The Oscars may forego a host because so many comics post tweets that rile women, gays and minorities. We know how this ends. The Academy of Motion Pictures is considering disbanding because they’ve just realized every time they hand out an award, the people who lost will get offended.

President Trump was ripped by House Democrats who called for his impeachment for paying off a porn star. They have to ask themselves if they would want to deal with Trump’s back-up as their president. Mike Pence is so conservative he once paid off a woman after shaking hands with her.

Mike Pence’s chief of staff Nick Ayers decided not to take up President Trump on the job offer of White House Chief of Staff last week. It set off a scramble for a job for which there are no volunteers.

National Geographic aired a documentary which followed a mountain climber, as he scaled the vertical 3,000-foot-high El Capitan using no rope, just his hands and feet. I hope this guy has a good commercial agent. Just imagine the shoe deal he could get South of the Border.

California regulators confirmed reports Thursday that they’re considering slapping a state tax on all text messages. That could wipe out our favorite hobby on the road. So much for natural selection taking out the Los Angeles drivers who are too slow-witted to text and drive at the same time.

The Senate and House passed a bill to make it easier to file sexual harassment charges against Members and jettisoning their taxpayer-paid slush fund to pay off accusers. It’s a good example for the nation. Yesterday, my Elf on the Shelf resigned over allegations made by my tree-topper angel.

The Pentagon said the Russians will spend the next year testing Western resolve in the Middle East, Ukraine and with cyber-warfare. It’s difficult to be angry at all of them. The CIA says they’re not going to water-board sexy confessed Russian spy Maria Butina; they’ve decided to wet-T-shirt her.

President Trump was described by Rex Tilllerson Thursday as a man who doesn’t read, while “Apprentice” staffers claimed he can’t read, and they called him an idiot. Millions of people don’t believe Trump is an idiot. For them it’s not enough proof that he actually wanted to become president.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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