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Fri, Feb. 22
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Hamilton: Friend in Chicago was homesick so I shot him

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Department of Transportation said a record number of people will travel to be with family and friends over the holidays. It’s our duty to cheer up people who can’t be with their loved ones this time of year. Last week, a good buddy of mine from Chicago said he was homesick, so I shot him.

The FAA predicts forty-six million Americans will fly during the holidays. Statistics show that only five percent of the world’s population has ever been on an airplane. That’s weird because the last time I flew, it felt like ninety-five percent of the world’s population was sitting with me in coach.

Variety reported pop culture took over the world last year from presidential tweets to obsession with Hollywood celebrities to obsession with self on social media. The world has lost its mind. Freddy Mercury is a movie hero, James Bond is an alcoholic, and God help us, Keith Richards is dry.

Psychology Today published a study of James Bond’s drinking frequency during his movies and concluded that Bond is an alcoholic. Yeah, right, and Batman is a meth head, which explains that whole living-in-a-cave thing. James Bond is 007, and that’s not even drunk by Utah standards.

Science Daily reports the sexualized use of crystal meth in the gay nightclub and disco scene is spreading the risk of HIV throughout the gay community. The meth addicts now insist on public respect. It’s no longer politically correct to refer to tweakers as tweakers, they’re Methican Americans.

FBI former director James Comey performed another aria in the hallways of Congress while taking press questions on his FISA testimony. Comey will go down as the FBI’s greatest drama queen since J. Edgar Hoover. FBI groupies can only speculate how tall Comey would be in high heels.

Rudy Giuliani went on the Sunday talk shows to complain about the FBI’s behavior securing the FISA warrants to snoop on the Trump campaign team in 2016. Rudy said that Trump will sit down with Mueller over his dead body. It’s definitely the best offer the Democrats are going to get.

Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, after Obamacare was ruled unconstitutional Monday, challenged Republicans to come up with a health care plan of their own. They’ve had one for years. Under the GOP health care plan, if you like your doctor you can caddy for him on Wednesdays.

President Trump went on Twitter and slammed Saturday Night Live and NBC as Democratic propaganda machines and Trump suggested legal action. However the Supreme Court has ruled in the past that satire is protected speech. They also upheld that prop comedy is punishable by death.

Iowa Democratic voters were polled Monday about their presidential preferences for the 2020 election. And wouldn’t you know, the two favorite candidates are Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. Apparently the Democratic Party’s political strategy to get rid of old white men is to run them to death.

Keira Knightly was awarded the Order of the British Empire for her humanitarian work. Last year she issued a plea for the children of Africa in a telethon she hosted. The children of Africa heard her plea, pitched in what little they had, and today, Keira is getting the nourishment she needs.

Michael Cohen said Trump instructed him to pay off his mistresses in 2016. Cohen acts like it was big secret that Trump was a womanizer, and revealing that stunning news might have affected the presidential election. It would have changed Trump’s campaign motto to Make America J.F.K. Again.

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