Trusted local news leader for Prescott area communities since 1882
Wed, June 19

Hamilton: Bush funeral will end with golf tournament

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?

George HW Bush was flown to Washington for his funeral today at the National Cathedral. It is quite a service. In the Episcopal ritual, the sermon is followed by communion, which is followed by the benediction, which is followed by cocktails, which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes.

President Trump was invited to attend Bush’s service today but not speak. The Episcopalians are afraid he’ll be like the Baptist who stood up in the middle of an Episcopal service and shouted he had found the Lord. The Episcopalian usher rushed up to him and whispered, not here you didn’t.

Michelle Obama’s memoirs were reported a huge best-seller Monday, continuing a tradition of Democratic book readers supporting their leaders. Al Sharpton just sold his memoir for five hundred fifteen thousand dollars to his OWN charity. The Clintons can’t believe they never thought of this one.

The Hollywood Reporter said viewer ratings for all three major cable news channels are way up ever since President Trump was elected to office. The networks air endless partisan diatribes hour after hour. Cable news is why losing your hearing once you get old is now considered a reward.

Louisiana State University announced it has a home for chimps who need a place to stay now that research on them is banned. Journal Nature reported this month that chimpanzees use tools more than any other animal except man. This is why you never loan a chimp your Home Depot card

A Stanford University administrator told the Sigma Chi fraternity to take down its American flag from the house flagpole. They said the flag is intimidating, aggressive and alienating. This morning the U.S. flag got a nice note from the Confederate flag welcoming it to Del Webb’s Sun City.

Signal Action Lingerie was just awarded a U.S. patent Friday for its new invention that is a bra which drops completely off a woman when you clap your hands. Harvey Weinstein applauded this scientific advance. In the old days in Hollywood, you took the bra off by hand, THEN you got the clap.

The Houston City Council is trying to block an effort to set up a female sex robot brothel. Can you just imagine the customer service tech support calls? Some guy with a heavy India accent tells you to pull yourself out of your robot for one minute, then put yourself back in, and see if that helps.

The Getty Museum in Los Angeles announced it will host a major Christmas season display of the work of the great Renaissance classic artists. Every civilization’s art is self-describing. The French use art to glorify love, the Italians use art to glorify God, while Americans prefer taking selfies.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said China agreed to remove tariffs from U.S. automobiles Monday. Comedians are nervous. If Trump’s trade policy works, his North Korean policy works, no Russia collusion is found, and the economy works, we’re basically back to making fun of his hair.

Pope Francis published a book last week in which the pontiff states that the priesthood in the Roman Catholic Church has no space for homosexuality. I guess that space is all taken up by the pedophiles. When Michael Jackson died, he was just an accusation away from getting his own parish.

George HW Bush’s lifetime of service to our nation in the U.S. Navy, Congress, UN, CIA and White House was eulogized in detail Monday. No one mentioned that three young women recently accused Bush of grabbing their rear ends from his wheelchair while they were posing for pictures with him onstage. Leave it to a fighter pilot to figure out the best defense against Me Too is Me Gone.


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