Originally Published: August 28, 2018 7:09 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arizona Sen. John McCain died Saturday following a yearlong struggle with brain cancer, which finally took down the tempestuous Republican and war hero. He had a visceral dislike for President Trump. Imagine McCain’s fury when he gets to heaven and it’s decorated like Mar-a-Lago.
President Trump campaigned for Republican House candidates in Ohio Saturday. His MAGA hats which used to stand for Make America Great Again have all been replaced by new hats for Trump’s presidential re-election campaign that are inscribed SGS. It stands for Snitches Get Stitches.
President Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort was convicted in a federal court on Wednesday at the same time Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen pleaded guilty in a federal court in Manhattan. It didn’t end there. That night, Cohen telephoned Manafort and called top bunk.
Pope Francis made the first papal visit to Irish soil in 40 years Sunday. Coming from a long line of English Protestants I say, that’s close enough. After meeting with priest abuse victims, he served the poor at the busiest soup kitchen in Dublin, where the Soup of the Day is always Jameson’s.
NASA scientists reported in Houston Sunday that an asteroid the size of a pyramid will come harrowingly close to crashing into Earth in the next weeks. Well then, one thing is obvious to just about everybody. It certainly didn’t take long for John McCain to get his pilot’s license renewed.
Chipotle’s Mexican Grill stocks soared last week despite food safety issues on news of its new system of digital ordering and delivery. The chain’s new CEO is also emphasizing customer relations. At Chipotle’s, the cashier now hands you the phone number of Poison Control with your change.
The National Enquirer released the former Trump Tower doorman’s NDA, freeing him to tell the story he’d been told that Donald Trump fathered a child by his housekeeper. The child they had would be half-German and half-Latino. There’s not a border in the world that could stop this kid.
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller was urged by CNN and MSNBC to find out why President Trump crossed the road. All hell broke loose. Sarah Huckabee says Trump didn’t cross the road, Rudy Giuliani called it fake news, and Trump said the road-crossing investigation is just a witch hunt.
The White House expressed confidence that Congress will appropriate the money to construct the 4,000-mile border wall with Mexico. The president declared that the wall will soon be a reality. Pretty soon, everybody who ever worked for him is going to be penned in by four of them.
The MTV VMA Awards telecast began Monday with the comedian host Kevin Hart delivering a vulgar rant against President Trump. What’s another rant at this point? It’s funny to me how Hollywood stars claim to hate Trump, but they’ll pay a hundred dollars a gram to sound just like him.
President Trump’s CFO Allen Weisselberg got federal immunity Friday after his lawyer, and his campaign manager and the Enquirer publisher flipped. It’s endless. Turns out what Andy Warhol actually said was that in the future, everybody will get to snitch on Donald Trump for fifteen minutes.
Senator Elizabeth Warren launched an attack on Wall Street and the rich Wednesday in what many saw as a presidential campaign rehearsal. It was no surprise she earned $1 million last year. If you saw the size of the casino in Tulsa you’d know the Cherokees are doing very well now.
President Trump will visit Paris in November for the one-hundredth anniversary of the end of World War One. In this past century, the French taught us one great lesson. If you help someone when they’re in trouble they will always remember you, especially the next time that they’re in trouble.