Originally Published: August 21, 2018 7:58 p.m.
HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
NBC News reports President Trump is considering a proposal by Blackwater Security founder Erik Prince to privatize the Afghanistan war using U.S. mercenaries who report to the president. They’re not seeing the bigger picture. The Taliban just volunteered to send peacekeepers to Chicago.
California firefighters battled the Holy Fire brushfire fueled by desert winds and dry parched forests Sunday. TV news helicopters aired spectacular footage of a huge tornado landing in the middle of the wildfire. For five minutes the entire area looked like a Camaro with a Mexican paint job.
ESPN announced it will not televise the National Anthem before the network’s Monday Night Football games and will air a commercial instead. It was a tough call. The Dixie Chicks just recorded a new opening title song, All My Rowdy Friends Are Coming Over Tonight, Except the Patriotic Ones.
The White House reported U.S. unemployment hit a 44-year low Tuesday, dipping below four percent with more jobs open than applicants to fill them. It’s a nightmare for Democrats. At the rate unemployment is dropping, there won’t be anyone available in two years to replace Trump.
Al Sharpton lectured Donald Trump on respecting women Friday and used Aretha Franklin’s greatest hit to drive home his point to Trump. Unfortunately, while reciting Aretha’s lyrics, Al misspelled respect R-E-S-P-I-C-T. This explains why he’s always paying tribute to Malcolm the Tenth.
President Trump dared former CIA Director John Brennan to sue him to try to get his security clearance restored Monday. He boasts one accomplishment on his watch. After 10 years, two wars and a trillion dollars spent searching for bin Laden, somebody finally suggested we look in his house.
Germany’s Finance Minister warned Monday if Germany doesn’t get immigration under control, a German Trump will arise. It only took Trump 20 months, but he’s got the Germans acting like Germans again. They can only stand watching somebody else do their act for so long.
President Trump gave up on his idea of staging a military parade in Washington on Veterans Day. The D.C. mayor presented too big a bill. Instead President Trump is traveling to Paris in November to kill two birds with one stone, celebrate the end of World War I and start World War III.
New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo backpedaled all weekend from a speech he delivered last week in which he declared that America was never all that great. His foresight is better than his hindsight. Gov. Cuomo is already negotiating the book rights to explain why he lost in 2020.
Chipotle’s offers a two for the price of one burrito deal for returning college students. This is the perfect snack for students in dorms where everyone has to share a bathroom. By this Friday, the school infirmary is going to look like the wounded on the streets of Atlanta in Gone with the Wind.
The Pentagon claimed evidence Friday that China’s Air Force is making long-range plans to attack the United States. Don’t bet on it. We outsmarted the Japanese by selling them Hawaii so they’d never attack it again, so why would China attack the U.S. once they finish buying California?
MTV’s VMA Awards were held in Radio City Music Hall in New York Monday, honoring the top artists in rap, pop music and rock music. It was noted that three rappers across the nation were shot while partying over the weekend. The party must have been in honor of Stevie Wonder and Beethoven, because by the time the police arrived, nobody heard anything and nobody saw anything.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.