Originally Published: August 3, 2018 6:13 p.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Comedy Store Tonight starring Argus Hamilton debuted on You Tube on Tuesday night before a terrific studio audience. However, I ended my opening monologue two jokes short. I think Yakov Smirnoff hacked into my cue cards, although Trump says it could have been anybody.
Los Angeles Lakers new superstar LeBron James hinted Thursday he night run for president in two years. NBA stars have something to offer. If you cemented together all the bricks that Shaquille O’Neal put up at the foul line over his career, the wall would be halfway to El Paso by now.
Virgin Airlines installed wider seats in trans-Atlantic airliners to make obese passengers more comfortable in flight. Addressing the same problem, Greece has begun breeding donkeys that are big enough to carry overweight tourists. In other words, their asses aren’t big enough to support ours.
President Trump said Thursday that Fake News is the enemy of the people because of the way they distort his words. It’s just as important Trump be clear in his words. Last night a kid stopped me in the supermarket parking lot, handed me a twenty-dollar bill, and asked me to buy him groceries.
President Trump raised hackles at a Florida rally Tuesday when he argued for stronger voter ID laws when Trump claimed you need photo ID to buy groceries. Don’t laugh. In Los Angeles, you need a photo of Alexander Hamilton to buy a loaf of bread and a quart of milk, so Trump’s right.
The Crystal Springs Summer Trail Run marathon will be run as scheduled today in Northern California despite the wildfire threats. There’s also a big race in DC. The White House is trying to announce that that the Russians meddled in the election before the president can tweet they didn’t.
President Trump was urged by Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity to push Congress for wall funding before the election. They say it’s a winning issue with voters and it’ll force lawmakers to pass it. Mexico isn’t going to pay for the wall, but maybe I can bill them for painting my apartment.
President Trump in a speech Thursday detailed how CNN misreported his meeting with Queen Elizabeth saying he was fifteen minutes early, not fifteen minutes late. They discussed his favorite British kings. Naturally, Trump praised William of Orange for introducing the sun lamp to England.
Pope Francis issued a ruling Thursday declaring that the death penalty is wrong for any crime and without exception. His opposition is puzzling. The pope has spent his whole life convincing people there’s life after death, and when we try to give somebody a Get Out of Jail Free card, he balks.
Fox News reports all one hundred and three passengers survived an Aero Mexico plane crash Tuesday that crashed right after takeoff from Durango. That’s not crazy enough. The people at the airline who offer you a free plane ticket right after you’ve survived a plane crash are the real psychos.
Venezuela’s president Nicolas Maduro admitted Thursday that his nation’s socialist-modeled economy has completely failed. Cuba and the USSR governments learned the same lesson. When people are given the choice between equality and toilet paper they’ll take four-ply Northern every time.
The U.S. Senate will hold hearings with social media CEO’s to find ways to prevent infiltration by fake users bent on sowing discord and fake content. Facebook has vowed to lead the way. Well, if Mark Zuckerberg wants to get rid of fake content on Facebook, he should start with all our profiles.
President Trump talked to the NRA over the claim by Democrats that 3-D guns are untraceable and un-registerable. Passions are running very high on both sides. The next Civil War could be fought with 3-D printed guns for firearms, and the winner will be whoever’s toner lasts the longest.