Originally Published: April 21, 2018 6 a.m.
The Pentagon warned that cyber-attacks will constitute the most dangerous threats to the U.S. in the future. The activist online group Anonymous just successfully hacked into the Ku Klux Klan’s Twitter account. The KKK called Anonymous a bunch of cowards who are afraid to show their faces.
Playmate of the Year Karen McDougal got her non-disclosure agreement quashed Wednesday and is now free to discuss her affair with Donald Trump. Is Trump so lousy in bed he has to convince every woman he ever slept with to sign a non-disclosure agreement? It’s no wonder he carried the Rust Belt.
Trump spent the week in Florida and met with Japan Prime Minister Shinzo Abe, addressed the Coast Guard and confirmed his Kim Jung Un summit. His numbers are improving. Friday, Trump numbers went from six up to ten, the six being a porn star and the ten being the Playmate of the Year.
Trump maintained eye contact with Japan Prime Minister Shinzo Abe at their press conference Wednesday. From this time forward in history, if you’re the president, it’s important to maintain direct eye contact with other world leaders so they don’t notice you’re tweeting.
GOP former Speaker John Boehner joined the board of a legal pot corporation Thursday. The times are changing. The Salt Lake City Tribune just reported Utah lawmakers are considering legalizing pot in Utah, even though the Mormons believe that marijuana is the gateway drug to coffee.
Trump retained Rudy Giuliani to join his legal defense team Thursday to try to wrap up all the probes. Rudy’s hiring opens up a new vein of comedy. We can now stop blaming all of Trump’s sex scandals on the liberal media and start blaming them on the World Trade Center attacks.
The FBI’s fired former Director James Comey continued on his book tour with an appearance on The View. Comey taunted the president that Trump tweets about him like a break-up he can’t get over. Great, a porn star and a Playboy playmate aren’t enough, what this plot needs is gay heartbreak.
James Comey was interviewed on CNN Thursday when breaking news made him realize that he might be a witness in trials involving the FBI agents or Hillary or Trump he was so freely talking about. Sometimes Comey thinks he’s too judgmental, then he realizes he’s surrounded by idiots.
The Department of Justice inspector general referred fired Deputy FBI Director Andy McCabe for prosecution for lying three times about leaking to the press on Trump. The same day, James Comey was revealed to have leaked classified material to the New York Times, having assured Trump that the Steele Dossier claiming Trump leaked on Moscow hookers is false. It’s time Congress appointed a Special Urologist.
Closer magazine reported Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip may not be getting buried in the same place due to their different rank. The magazine focuses most articles on Baby Boomer celebrities who are getting up there in years. I’m so old I stopped getting Viagra e-mails.
Starbucks ordered racial sensitivity training after black non-paying customers were denied use of a bathroom. The $10 coffee turns each store into an all-white study hall. Today Abraham Lincoln would say that a nation that is half-Starbucks coffee and half 7-Eleven coffee cannot endure. CNN said a train full of human waste from New York was stranded in a small Alabama town, sickening residents with the odor. Northern cities regularly dump their sewage in Southern states. I always thought that we should have died fighting rather than surrender, and Reconstruction is why.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.