Originally Published: April 7, 2018 5:59 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Augusta National hosts the last round of the Masters today which got off to a thrilling start on Thursday. It’s quite an international field. Li Haotong of China was the first-round leader until the final hole when President Trump slapped a two-stroke tariff on him and he carded a double bogey, making an American number one.
The Comedy Store Tonight starring Argus Hamilton is a new talk show that was green-lighted by Comedy Store Productions. It airs in June on our website’s new video-podcast platform. In case it’s a hit, I have sent Mark Zuckerberg my dating, drinking and drugging history just to save him time.
The Vatican says Pope Francis was misquoted by a reporter Thursday who wrote that the pope told a questioner there was no Hell. The next day, the pope corrected the record and said that there is a Hell after all. It’s pretty much like the original but they’ve added air conditioning and a pool table.
President Trump enjoyed a crowd in West Virginia Thursday where he extemporized about his Mexican border policy. He talked about how Mexican coyotes export cocaine, meth and teenage sex slaves to California. Halfway through his speech, the West Virginians got up and moved to California.
San Francisco police report that the YouTube parking lot mass shooter Nasim Aghdam went to a local firing range for target practice before her rampage. However, she fired twenty rounds, wounded four people and only managed to kill herself. Is there any wonder there’s a gender pay gap?
Fox News cut to live coverage of the first U.S. woman to stage a mass shooting Tuesday at the YouTube headquarters. Annie Oakley is rolling in her grave. In twenty shots, she was only able to wound her boyfriend and three co-workers, but she did it while dancing backwards and in high heels.
Southern California was annoyed by a temblor Thursday which rolled through L.A. for one full minute and was measured at a five-point magnitude. It left geologists with but one conclusion. The Los Angeles economy has improved so much the earthquakes are moving back home from Oklahoma.
Stormy Daniels’ lawyer told NBC News Wednesday his client can describe President Trump’s genitalia in full detail. She’s certainly seen her share of them. The funniest scene in the history of witness identification could be when Mueller asks Stormy to pick the president’s penis out of a lineup.
President Trump got the astonishing news Tuesday that his approval rating in the Rasmussen Daily Tracking poll has soared to fifty-one percent. You can’t make it up. CNN’s coverage of Trump has so offended people’s sense of fair play that it’s turned a Bond villain into the underdog.
Buckingham Palace reports that Prince Philip is recovering in a London hospital after he had hip replacement surgery over the weekend. He made it to ninety-six before needing hip surgery. Not bad for a guy who had to stand up and bow every time his wife entered the room for seventy years.
New York former mayor Rudy Giuliani’s wife Judy filed for divorce Thursday, signaling the end of their fifteen-year-old marriage. Judy is going to divorce Rudy for the same reason his two other wives left him. She got tired of Rudy constantly borrowing from her wardrobe and shoe closet.
London Mayor Saddiq Khan urged the NFL to grant London its own team Friday. You’d wind up with two teams for the price of one, In five years, enough NFL players playing in England will have committed crimes and been deported to Australia so that Sydney can field an NFL team as well.
Johnny Manziel told Dan Patrick Tuesday the Cleveland Browns didn’t do their homework on him before they drafted him five years ago. However two other teams did their homework and had the right situation for him. But then Cleveland selected him before Betty Ford’s and Hazelden could.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.