Originally Published: September 30, 2017 5:58 a.m.
BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Las Vegas Review-Journal reported that O.J. Simpson could be released from the Nevada Lovelock Prison Monday morning. He’s suddenly a good NFL role model. O.J. Simpson stayed in excellent shape well into his sixties by standing up every time the judge entered or left the courtroom.
The FBI busted college basketball coaches for how they recruit players with payoffs and shoe deals. Their brazenness was astonishing. The ethical standards of college basketball recruiting reminds me of the hooker who told the judge she realized she’d been raped when the check bounced.
The Green Bay Packers and the Chicago Bears shook hands with each other and hugged each other before they stood on the sidelines for the National Anthem Thursday night. It all worked out just fine. It shows Americans that bi-partisan cooperation is achievable only through concussions.
The Lingerie Football League issued a statement announcing that the lingerie football players will stand for the National Anthem. Their pre-games ritual maintains an air of reverence. After the fans sing The Star Spangled Banner, the minister prays over the loud speaker for a sudden rainstorm.
President Trump told reporters Thursday that the NFL is risking going to hell over the player protests during the National Anthem. Hell was quick to respond. Mayor Rahm Emanuel said Chicago is a great sports town but there’s no way they could support all thirty-two teams down there.
The National Funeral Home Directors report a rising demand for green funerals in Southern California. It includes a natural setting, organic flowers, carpooling and formaldehyde-free products.
One thing is sure, no one will say at Hugh Hefner’s funeral that he’s in a better place now.
President Trump and Homeland Security officials were presented Friday with four prototypes of the border wall and now they will select the design they think will stop illegal crossings most effectively. Look at the success of the Great Wall of China. You hardly ever see a Mexican in Beijing.
Twitter announced Friday it will double the amount of characters you may insert in each tweet from one hundred forty to two hundred-eighty letters. This is terrific news for comedy lovers. Every time that President Trump sends out a tweet, he’ll now be able to declare war on twice as many things.
The White House acknowledged Thursday that the prescription drug epidemic is a new target for the DEA. The administration may target the makers of certain medications to lessen the supply of available prescriptions. Ask your doctor if a drug with fifteen pages of side effects is right for you.
House leaders hinted Friday that Obamacare repeal and the tax cut debate may drag into the next year. Members draw their full salaries if they pass nothing. Congressmen must drive their own cars in Washington D.C. because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them.
Defense Secretary General James Mattis survived an attempt by the Taliban to try to kill him with a surprise attack on the Kabul airport when he paid U.S. troops a surprise visit last week. The general has a bear rug at home on the floor of his den. The bear is not dead, he’s just afraid to move.