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Sat, Dec. 07

Argus Hamilton: NFL player seeks professional help

HOLLYWOOD ­— God bless America, and how’s everybody?

NFL owners and players met in New York Tuesday and struck a deal on the national anthem protests. Today’s NFL players are willing to listen to opposing arguments. Last year, when an NFL player threatened to murder his wife, she told him he needed professional help, so he hired a hit man.

Hustler publisher Larry Flynt on Friday announced he will give $10 million to anyone who can provide direct evidence that President Trump has committed an impeachable offense. The White House didn’t have to explain the president’s refusal to respond. He’s obviously thinking it over.

NASA says a meteor came streaking through our solar system last week and missed the Earth by about forty thousand miles. It’s tough for a meteor to hit a moving target. The Earth is rotating at a speed of one thousand miles per hour, however humans don’t feel it until the eighth or ninth beer.

CBS is airing an animated special TV show tonight called “A Michael Jackson Halloween” that promises kids an exciting and magical evening. It could get very spooky. The day Michael died, dozens of kids gathered at his Neverland mansion front gate, until the police arrived and let them out.

The New York Stock Exchange celebrated Tuesday when the Dow Jones Average crossed the 23,000 mark. The party never ends. Facebook and Twitter went down for a few hours last Friday and U.S. productivity shot up, until everybody realized that Porn Hub was working just fine.

The L.A. City Attorney asked all of Harvey Weinstein’s victims to come forward and help him build a criminal case. It didn’t go unanswered. Harvey Weinstein tried to start rehabilitating his public image by announcing his support for a sexual rights issue, harsher laws against prison rape.

Harvey Weinstein was kicked out of the Hollywood Producers Guild Saturday to complete his industry disgrace. However, desert biker gang bars have named a drink after Weinstein made with two ounces of vodka, Galliano, orange juice and a shot of Rohypnol. They call it Harvey’s Wallbanger.

President Trump has vowed to use the congressional budget negotiations to obtain the federal funding needed to build the border wall he promised voters. Democrats say it’s an insult to our neighbors to the south. It doesn’t matter how Mexicans feel about the border wall, they’ll get over it.

John McCain accused President Trump’s people of promoting a false and outdated patriotism Monday in his speech to a Liberty Awards banquet. Political mavericks like Senator McCain are a dying species. John McCain recently went to the chiropractor, who referred him to a paleontologist.

The New York Post says Christian Mingle is now providing dating match-ups for both straight and gays. It’s a risky world online. A poll reveals 12 percent of Americans say they met their spouse online, however 88 percent of Americans say they met somebody else’s spouse online.

Southern Baptist Disaster Relief teams from all over the South reported progress repairing the flood damaged houses in Houston on Wednesday. The denomination thrives on fellowship. Their theology states that when two or more Southern Baptists are gathered in his name, a chicken must die.

The White House refuted Democratic claims that President Trump lacks compassion for poor people. Trump was once asked for help by a man who said he had to eat grass to stay alive. Right away Trump invited him to Mar-a-Lago, where Trump assured the man that the grass is two feet high.

The Los Angeles Tourism and Visitors Bureau predicted a record-high number of visitors to L.A. between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day. You can’t beat the sights. If you ever thought you may be fat or ugly or starting to look old, Los Angeles is the place to go to find out you were right.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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