Column: Things to know before you say ‘I do’
June is around the corner, a month when a great many weddings are scheduled.
So, in a spirit of helpfulness, I shall undertake the task of identifying some of the challenges that newly marrieds may face.
They come under the general title of “Differences.” Some engrained, others learned.
Okay, let’s start with a couple of easily identified basic ones. The issue is, “What does an individual need to know about their intended?” Dating answers some of the questions, but living with a person day in, and day out, in a close relationship is a learning experience of considerable consequence. There are daily challenges and brand new—and often surprising—learning adventures and encounters awaiting newlyweds.
You might want to read, or reread, Freud, where he writes about the Id, Superego and Ego. The Id (I want and I want it now!) bumps into the Superego (“mustn’t do that”) and the two forces turn to the Ego (I will or I won’t) for the decision. This much too simplistic explanation is at the root of a great many “discussions.” You might want to get a jump start on handling this issue.
Next, birth order. Are you both “only children?” Is your mate a big brother of brothers who has no experience living with a woman, or is she a big sister of brothers who knows how to get her way with men? Or ... well you get the picture. You might want to read The Birth Order book by Dr. Kevin Leman or Family Constellations by Dr. Walter Woman.
Are you an introvert or extrovert? What is your mate? Each totes within them some dominating characteristics that you may want to explore before you. . . . well, you understand.
Is your partner left-brain or right brain dominated? Which are you? Behavior and choices are influenced by this characteristic. For instance, if you are both right-brained, you may want to consider getting help keeping track of money, investments and preparing your income tax.
Are you an Owl or a Lark? Larks are those folks who find it easy to get up in the morning and do a lot of talking before lunch. We owls are the noble creatures who have barely awakened during the morning and have been known to mutter incoherently throughout the a.m. hours, drink copious cups of coffee, and exhibit advanced signs of bodily numbness not to mention thinking patterns that border on the bizarre.
And here’s a “biggie” you haven’t likely identified: Psychological Contracts. PCs are the hidden roots under every interpersonal exchange. When two people communicate, unspoken expectations are rarely identical, thus problems and conflict may develop as components of the relationship. PCs are unwritten, nonverbal, and often unconscious expectations that underlie every single relationship we have. And, unless your expectations are written or spoken, it is likely the other person is unaware of them.
As you might imagine, PCs are especially critical in marriage relationships and for leaders of organizations.
If you are interested in gathering further information about PCs and other self-knowledge issues, consider enrolling in Prescott Area Leadership. This topic is featured in the book, Lessons for Leaders, which is part of the PAL curriculum. For information about PAL, call Alex Piacenza at 928-273-9511 or Neal Sneller at 928- 713-7215.